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You are here: Experts > Religion/Spirituality > Christianity - Restorationism > Latter-day Saints > Adultery
Expert: Michael Kelley - 11/1/2009
Question
QUESTION: Hello, my name is Beatriz and I'm a 25 year old female from California. I personally am not a Mormon but I was involved with a
married man who is a Mormon for 4 years. I'm going to try and make this brief.
I met this man 4 years ago while he was working in overnight shift. He came on to me and gave my his email and instant messenger and told me to contact him. So I did. That night he told me he was married but he was having serious marital problems and he was thinking of separating and eventually divorcing his wife. We continued our relationship for 4 years via instant messaging, emails and telephone conversation. He even started saying, "I love you!" I had fallen in love with this man and I felt he was too.
June of this year, I went on a business trip and met up with him where he currently resides, in Phoenix, AZ. We had sexual relations and didn't use protection so we knew there might be a possibility I could be pregnant.
After we had sex, his wife found out about us a week later in an email he had sent to me. She called and called me but I refused to answer because he told me not to and because I wanted to protect him. Several weeks went by and sure enough I was pregnant. I called him and told him the news only to question me if I was sure he was the father. I was hurt. I received an email from his wife and him saying that I should put up the baby up for adoption and they would help me in that process. I made it clear to them I was not going to do that but instead keep the baby. He flipped and changed on me and started to ignore me emails and calls. We had decided when the babies were born he would take a paternity test and we'd go from there.
I found out he was carrying twins and tried to contact him to let him know but he had changed his number. So I called his wife and we spoke. She said that he was adamant about me giving up my babies up for adoption since he wasn't planning to be a part of their lives. I was depressed for months, how could this man who said he loved me and would do anything for me turn his back on me?
Last week on Thursday October 22, I went into pre-term labor. My baby girl was stillborn and my baby boy passed 2 hours after I delivered them. I called his wife once again and urged her to please have him contact me. After months of avoiding me, he finally contacted me on Thursday, exactly 1 week after my tragedy. I told him what happened and he didn't even say sorry or anything. He just said, what do you want me to do? I asked him is he could please sign the babies birth certificate and death certificate along with the paperwork from the mortuary. I have decided to cremate them and I need him to sign that he's consenting this. He refuses to do so because he's not sure if he is the father of the babies and refuses to take a paternity test since he says there is no point since the babies are dead. But the real reason for him not wanting to do a paternity test is because he doesn't want his infidelity on paper and th fact that he father 2 babies with another woman. I've called lawyers in my town and most say that I can get a court-order to make him take a paternity test but it could take months before I even see a judge. So my next thing is to talk to his family about this and to his church about this. He is very involved with his church and I know it means a lot to him. How would I go about meeting with a bishop or elder and telling my story, maybe they can knock some sense into him and he'll take the paternity.
I'm desperate and need answers now. I don't have much time since my babies bodies are still in the hospital. Please help!
ANSWER: Hi Beatriz,
I will try to help answer your questions as best I can. Please note that I am ex-LDS and belong to a diffent church that believes in the Book of Mormon and Bible.
First of all the entire situation is deplorable, especially on the part of this "Mormon" man who forsook all that his church taught him in order to follow his own lusts. As with all sin the wages ultimately lead to pain and suffering, some of which can scar a life permanantly. Even if the man repented and wanted to make things right, church doctrine would not allow for him to marry his mistress... this is strongly forbidden... one wrong does not make another wrong right. Rather, if his wife was willing to reconcile, then the church would side with that happening.
I do not have the expertise on what to advise you on concerning what to do about this situation. Contacting the Bishop where this man attends church might be a good step. Do you know what ward he attends? If not you can probably go to any LDS ward and the bishop there can find out for you, or even search LDS geneology websites that might help. They might not believe you, or they might confront the man and he can deny or confirm, and they might have to have an elder's court which could take some time. It sounds like he is in denial and just wants to wash his hands of the entire thing. Even if he confesses I am not sure what they would do concerning your wishes. LDS have a strange belief about cremation... not sure where they got it from, but they think creamated people might not get into heaven. I think the doctrine is silly as some Book of Mormon heros (such as Abinadi) were burnt at the stake yet I know they made it to heaven.
I can only offer one word of comfort, and that is the scriptures strongly teach that the infant who dies in their infancy are automatically saved and dwell with Jesus in heaven. While the adults in this life (and next) have to live with the consequences of their sins, at least these children will abide in peace and eternal love.
I hope this helps.
God Bless,
Mike
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Mike,
Thank you for the quick response, I really appreciate you taking the time to help in anyway you can.
First, I just wanted to say that I am not interested in continuing a relationship with this man, nor ever speaking to him again. And from the looks of it, his wife and him are working on their marriage.
Secondly, I received an email from a bishop in Arizona and was willing to help me locate the ward Clayton (the man I was involved with) belonged to and to get in contact with his bishop. I did receive a call from his bishop and he said he was familiar with our situation since Clayton did meet with his bishop and confess what had happened. He said he will try to talk to him tomorrow and counsel him but they can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to. So ultimately, the decision will be his.
So my question is, how come he didn't get excommunicated for committing adultery? Is it because he confessed to the bishop? And how many times does this have to happen for him to finally be reprimanded? Because from what he has told me and his wife has confirmed it, he had committed adultery 2 other times. He claims that he never took it as far as having sex with them but he was involved with them. Adultery is adultery, whether it's a physical relationship or an online relationship. He's lusting over these women. He met them in the same manner as we met, working an overnight shift.
It does give me comfort knowing that my babies are in a better place, with our heavenly Father. I know it's true because the bible says so.
I really hope that having talked with the bishop he will have a change of heart and do the right thing for the sake of my precious angels. I'll keep you posted.
Thank you once again for the advice. It really helped me out a lot.
Answer
Hi again Beatriz,
I am glad I was able to offer some help such as it was... your situation was difficult to answer. I just answered another woman on this forum about a month ago who was in a similar situation, only her child lived through the birth and the woman wanted redress against this "Mormon" man who had cheated on his wife and impregnated her. I hope this doesn't happen often in their church. I am glad you were able to locate his Bishop and for the fact that he confessed already. What the Bishop told you sounds correct... they would not be able to force him to do anything, though I would urge the man to do the right thing as part of his confession and repentence. I hope it all works out for you.
Most churches, including the LDS and the one I attend, are willing to forgive those who repent in sincerity of thier sins and vow to not do them any more. When a sinner does this they are typically not excommunicated and are forgiven. However in the LDS church he would likely loose certain priveliges such as being able to enter their temples and perform certain rites that are important to LDS members. He might be required to be on a "probation" of sorts for a year or longer before being allowed these privileges. He also might loose certain minister positions that all LDS men have, be "demoted" so to speak. Most of all he will have to live with a wife who was cheated on and may never trust him again. Even if he never does it again he will likely have to live the rest of his life struggling against the sexual addiction he seems to have.
Is not being excommunicated for those who repent fair? From a Christian perspective it is fundamental to being a Christian. One case is of the women who Jesus forgave, and who bathed His feet in tears was a prostitute... who of course had repented. Matthew, who authored the book of Matthew in the Bible was a crooked tax collector who worked for the Romans... yet he repented and sought restitution for those he defrauded. The apostle Paul was a persecutor and murderer of Christians yet found the truth, repented in the depths of sincerity, and was forgiven and made a pillar of the church. Excommunication only comes upon those who are caught in sin and refuse to repent, or deny it yet the evidence proves they are guilty. I've witnessed a few excommunications and they can be real messy affairs even in the best of situations. Ironically I myself was excommunicated from the LDS church, only it was at my request because I did not believe in many of their doctrines and had joined another church I felt was much more scriptural.
Lets say this man repented but not in true sincerity. How would his Bishop or wife know? Unless God revealed it to them they would not. Yet he would know, and God certainly would know. At the judgement day each person shall face their lives in infinite detail, and those things that hurt others, the things that they did not repent of, those things that are sinful and shameful, will be right there in front of that person and God. Nothing can be hid, and for unrepentent sinners, Christ's blood will not atone for them, and they will shirk away from God in endless guilt and shame. This shame will eternally burn their conscious like a lake of fire and brimstone. The sin of adultery is a very greivous sin, only less than cold blooded murder and denial of the Holy Ghost. Only the denial of the Holy Ghost is unpardonable, while murder (remember Paul) and adultery can be forgiven. One of the dangers of such grosser crimes is that such things harden the heart and darken the mind. More often than not, those who do such things never repent, rebel against God and die in their sins. Those who do repent face a long hard uphill climb in getting right with God. While a person may find forgiveness, he may still have lasting consequences to deal with. A person who commits murder might find forgiveness with God and church, but still have to face life in jail. A person who commits adultery might repent and be forgiven in his church, but his wife would not have to, if she chose, and would be free to divorce him and find another. Sin always has consequences.
I recall a situation a sister (who has since passed away) had shared with me. She was married to a popular Elder in the church and would not have dreamed that he would ever cheat on her. One day while riding the bus from work to home she looked out the window and saw in the sky, letters in fire, detailing the fact that her husband had cheated on her. She went home and confronted him and he confessed and repented and begged that she forgive him. She didn't know what to do so she fasted and prayed and asked for God's guidance. She was given a dream, the same dream 3 times, where she had a baby, but was shown she would have to give the baby away into the arms of another woman. She understood this dream to mean if she remained married to this man she would eventually have a child by him, but that he would cheat and marry another, and loose or have to share custody of the child. The vision was devastating and she promptly divorced the man and eventually found a very good and faithful man. The reason why I mention this is because it shows that while some think they can hide their sins in darkness, God knows and sees.
I hope this has helped,
God Bless,
Mike
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