AboutHannah Expertise I can answer questions concerning standard doctrines, scriptures, curiousities, Mormon culture and society. I will not respond to debates. I'm sorry, but there are some things that I simply will not answer, not because I don't want to, but there are some things that the LDS people do not discuss casually--it's only talked about within the temple. Though I am a member, I do not believe that anyone could convert anyone to a religion over something as impersonal as the internet. So I won't even try to.
Experience I have been a member of the LDS church for 8 years. Though I'm still a young person, I can answer most things about the church.
Question HEllo,
I (Doug, 33) have been struggling with same sex attraction all my life and have been looking for another way deal with my sexual attraction toward men. I also like women and have intention of having a family some day. About 7 years ago I met a man (Mark, 52) that I would say fit the profile of what turns me on sexually and emotionally. At that time in my life I was looking for father figure due to the poor relationship I had with my real father. On the first night with Mark I learned that he also struggled with same sex attraction and wanted to move on from having these feelings for other men. Mark has been married 30 years with 4 kids. As time past by we learned so about one another and how similar our feelings were and that we also shared the same religious background. We both had great intention about helping one another with our same sex attraction with the desire to reach a better spiritual level and become more involved with our church. Soon into our friendship we realized our sexual attraction for each other and began over the period of year to sexually play around with one another. Our involvement with each other was relatively vanilla meaning mutual masturbation, oral sex, and one attempt with anal sex.
At first, I was ok with are interaction with each other. There was a ton of good and productive things we learned and did with one another. On a lot of levels, we have become best friends. I became an active member of Mark’s family learning to love to his kids and wife. Meanwhile our original goal to help each other out regarding our religious beliefs went by the wayside due to our, what appeared to me an equal desire to be sexually involved. Over time I began to feel very guilty about my sexual involvement with Mark, realizing I was screwing around with a married family man. I made a few attempts to bring up the topic with over of the years, but Mark in did not seem to have take a proactive interest with me in changing our mode of operation. I just figured he was happy with the “status quo.” I was too enmeshed and scarred to just stop our practice in fear of losing or destroying our friendship which I cherished far more than the sexual gratification. Mark meant the world to me! He was my Daddy!!
Here we are 7 years later and I had finally had enough! Part of my motivation for me being able to stop my activity with Mark was due the fact that I fell in love with another man while way on a work assignment, but it was not the main reason for wanting this correction. Take my new love interest and of the equation and my problem with Mark is still the same. I missed Mark greatly on levels we use to get to before the sexual involvement overtook the friendship. Falling in love with this other man was like nothing I had ever dealt with before, so I needed and wanted the objectivity back with Mark desperately. So I told Mark what I was dealing with and wanted to bounce my concerns on him to get some feedback and support from him.
To my surprise Mark became extremely upset and told me that already knew I’d fallen for this other man and that he felt like I had kicked to the curb and replaced by my “new lover.” Being very confused over his unexpected jealously, I was not sure how to deal with Mark. Now he pities me for falling in love another man, basically tells me I’m condemned to Hell for my “choices” and THEN tells me he wants to help me get over my incorrect same sex attraction and that I’m desperately in need of His help and wisdom in this area. My personal thought was…. WOW… what a conflict on interest due to our past/current sexual relationship!
During this last weekend I was staying at Mark’s home helping he and his wife finish a kitchen remodeling project. Most all of our dialog telling Mark about my new “love interest” happened on Saturday. On Sunday morning Mark made a sexual advance, he came in to my shower naked with and rubbed and his body all over mine and groped me. I stood there in complete shock over what I would describe and an emotional RAPE with my eyes tightly shut totally scarred and confused or how deal with the moment! Ironically the same sexual activity would have been understood and acceptable prior for all this going down.
I couldn’t take it anymore being involved with Mark in such a manner. I wanted to do what I could salvage our friendship and create the objectivity we once had. So a finally came to place emotionally were I said enough was enough, and told Mark that I was done “Screwing” around with a married man. And I asked Mark: “So how is it you feel you can help me with same sex attraction while you and I have been sexually active for so many years?” And he claims he didn’t know the sexual activity was a hurting our relationship or me and wished I would have said something years ago! AND DAMNIT AND TRIED AND DID TELL HIM!!! Mark also said, “I only reason I played with you sexually was to help you not cruise and search out other men and I never enjoyed a minute of it.” WOW!!! CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS ONE??
And the last straw that completely broke the any remaining trust was his response to WHY he came into my shower on Sunday morning. He said: Doug I didn’t know I did anything wrong and it was the only was to complete with you new lover! Besides, you do that to me all the time.” I thought he had established new “Helping” parameters!! CAN YOU HELP ME THIS ONE TOO?
I sit here now wondering is it possible to trust Mark anymore??
Did I do something wrong, do I have the problem? I know I contributed to the overall problem, but what do you feel happened here?
My goal is to get back to the church. I love the gospel regardless of my weaknesses.
Thank you, Doug
Answer I don't pretend to have a bunch of experience in this, as I'm a straight female, but it just so happens that the Church News published an article a week or two ago about men who are active in the church, struggling with same-sex attractions. It's called "Personal ethics giving way to situational ethics"...I think. It's online, but you'd need an online ID. If you don't receive this in your home, many members do, and if you asked someone, I bet they'd be willing to let you use their copy if they have it still, and I don't even think you'd have to tell them what you wanted it for.
On the other hand, I would tell you to pray. I'm glad that you're trying to stay with the church. God doesn't want you to feel like you have to turn away from the church. Same-sex attraction is a weakness that some people have. Just like some people have a weakness with heterosexual lusts, or some are easily tempted by alcohol or drugs that others would never even consider.
Look to the scriptures, pray, and if you really feel that you are having a hard time, you can talk to an LDS counselor, as there are LDS counselors who work with those struggling with same-sex attractions.
I hope that I've helped even a little. Good luck with this.
