Lesbian Erotica/Strap-on Sex


Hi Blue

I have written to you before - don't know if you remember. Nevertheless, I hope you are well.

I'm in my early twenties. My girlfriend and I have been together for a very long time and we've been having communication problems all these years- especially from her side - she never wanted to talk about anything, more specifically our sex life. However, long story short - I went on holiday about a month ago and she was forced be be without me for three weeks. During this time, something awoke in her and now she realizes how important it is for us to communicate better. So we've been talking openly about quite a few things (which for me is wonderful). For one, we've both decided that we want to try strap-on sex.

Now, my concern is: She's never really been into toys because it hurts once inside. She says she enjoys it for a while (very slowly and carefully), but then it starts to hurt. We think it is because she has cysts on her ovaries. Maybe it's a trust thing because we never really discussed it thoroughly before. She is willing to try it with a strap-on to see if it'll be different now. She's doing this mostly for me because it's a fantasy of mine. I don't want to force anything on her or hurt her in any way. Is there any advice you can give me on how to go about it a different way in order to relax her more or something, I don't know. Also, we have to purchase one soon and I don't know anything about these toys. Which is best, healthy and pleasurable.

Another thing: She never goes down on me. I asked her why and she says she just doesn't like it all that much. I understand that - people are different. But it leaves me a bit frustrated sometimes as her abilities in other things aren't very good either. Which is why we want to try the strap-on. That way it'll be simple and straight-forward. Do you have any tips perhaps on how to make this experience less awkward? She feels very bad for not being able to give me what I need.

Thank you in advance.

Dear J,

Of course I remember you! I hope that you and your girlfriend are making progress as far as your communication challenges. If the current question is any indication it looks like things are progressing on a positive path.

So you have decided to try strap on sex! Very exciting! Let's address some of your concerns.

As far as your girlfriend- some women require a lot of stimulation before they can comfortably be penetrated. Many women need to wait until they are almost ready to climax before penetration feels good. There are a lot of things that cause discomfort, but most of the time it is because there is some type of emotional discomfort involved. As we know many things can cause a woman to feel self conscious or distressed. I hope that you will be very patient with her and encouraging as she gets used to a new idea.

For you, the experience may be considerably different. As you long for the change with great anticipation your idea of what would make a pleasurable strap on and her idea of what would make a pleasurable strap on make differ quite a lot. I would suggest looking on line together and checking out the available features.

There are 2 components to a strap on. You must have the harness, and you must have the dildo. Both the harness and the dildo come in many different styles, sizes and colors.

Sex toys are not regulated by the food and drug administration or any other health organization, therefore, you must be careful when purchasing.

What you should avoid is latex and phthalates. While you may not be sensitive to or allergic to latex, exposure to latex is cumulative within your body and after a while enough will build up in your system and cause a reaction that can range from burning and itching, bladder or urinary tract infections to anaphylactic shock or even death. Phthalates also can cause severe reactions and are known to cause cancer. So - whatever you choose - stay away from phthalates and stay away from latex. Check the materials that your sex toys are made from and if they are not listed do not buy!

Safe materials include 100% silicone, rubber, VixSkin, and PVC as long as it is phthalate free.

Also you need to be concerned with cleanliness. It is advisable to use non-latex condoms with sex toys. Sex toys can absorb harmful bacteria, so you must keep them very clean. Wash after use with mild soap and water and soak in hydrogen peroxide; or boil if the product allows. Sex toys come with instructions.

When using sex toys, never use them in the anal area and then introduce to the vaginal area without a though cleaning. When using condoms it is easier, because you can simply change the condom.

After safety, you should decide what features you would like for your dildo to have. There are MANY to choose from. Some vibrate, some ejaculate, some do both. Some even get warm. There are realistic looking dildos that come in many shades of pigment density, realistically shaped dildos that are every color in the rainbow, dildos shaped in many phallic shapes, and even some that look like vegetables, guns, and even bottles.

The harnesses come in styles that range from what looks like boxer shorts, to 'boi' shorts; leather gear with straps around each thigh and your waist, leather gear with a 'thong' style, and more.

After you choose the dildo and the harness that you like best and it arrives, get used to putting it on before you spend an intimate evening with it. Also make sure you have plenty of good water based lubrication.

I have a feeling that your taste in dildos and your girlfriend's are going to differ. If possible- get 2. One for each of you.

This would be a very good 1st for your girlfriend: http://www.sextoyfun.com/Fetish-Fantasy-Series-Rabbit-Pearl-Strap-On/sku-PD3387-

For you- I'm thinking you will want a larger dildo. Something like this: http://www.sextoyfun.com/Fetish-Fantasy-Elite-7-Hollow-Strap-On/sku-PD452912?a=r

It is possible to buy harnesses and dildos separately. It is important that the harness gives you plenty of control and that you are confident that it will hold the dildo in place. Many women wear button fly jeans and button them around the dildo to hold it in place. Snug knit men's underwear can also work.

It is also important that the dildo you choose is not too short, as it will be difficult to control.

I hope this information helps you!

As far as your girlfriend never going down on you- that could change. It's entirely possible. Just try to be patient and see how things develop with all of the new things that you are trying.

Please let me know if there is anything more I can discuss with you! Very good to hear from you!


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Blue Sleighty


BLUE SLEIGHTY HAS BEEN AN EXPERT FOR OVER 5 YEARS! I will do my best to answer any legitimate question. If I can NOT answer it- I will be happy to provide references to someone that I believe can help you.


I have been a lesbian all of my life, and realized that there was something different going on with me by the time I was 6 years old. I have faced the same issues and have made many of the same mistakes that other lesbians have. Part of my journey as a woman and a lesbian has included educating myself, and exploring my sexuality and my body. I have had a wealth of experiences and while marching down my path seeking a better understanding of myself and others, I have gathered information along the way from studying publications of the best sex experts of our time, like Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle (who is a lesbian, now!), Xaviera Hollander (who is doing some great work on YouTube these days!), and many others. I have been fortunate to benefit from the wisdom, experience and research of these brilliant and brave women as well as my own. I have had an active and adventurous sex life and I am a healthy and happy woman. I am published and a widely known writer of lesbian erotica.

MySecretObsession.com, AuthorsDen.com, AuthorZone.com, CafeBoudoir.com, many others. Author of 25 short stories, and 3 novellas which can be found at Amazon.com, and Lulu.com , as well as many other on line book sellers. You can also find me on Facebook and Twitter.

Along with the privledge of having an oddly interesting and far from boring life which has afforded me a rather unique perspective, I have an AA from the Texas Academy of Art. I am a midwife and worked with a team of midwives at a birthing center where I performed well woman exams, managed prenatal care, and delivered babies as well as managing home births for 3 years, which gives me plenty of hands on experience with the female body. I have the equivalent of a MA in life experiences and personal independent study as measured by UH life credit testing, and I constantly read college psychology textbooks, Psychology/Psychiatry News in the AMAJ, Psychology Today, and other educational journals. I write professionally and am respected and loved in the genre of lesbian erotica. I am a lesbian mother of a now adult, well-adjusted, degreed, happily married for 5 years, heterosexual daughter. I'm 40.

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Every time someone thanks me for helping them is an award and an honor for me. Also, I was just thanked by the author, 'the mysterious Jade', in the acknowledgements of her new, page turning lesbian erotic thriller, "Secretly Bound", for being her mentor and for inspiration, advice and friendship. I have business associations with some of the best artists and writers of our time.

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