Lesbian Erotica/It's complicated
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
I've come to a cross road in life. Having to choose between my own happiness or pleasing my parents and maintaining their reputation in our very small town. You see I have finally come to terms with my sexuality. I've know for a long time that I am gay, it's just something I found very hard to accept about myself. I was raised in a extremely conservative house hold. My father is the pastor of the local church in our Community. A community where everyone knows everybody and news spreads fast. So if it ever got out that the pastors daughter liked other women, well things would get very messy. Our family would literally be the " talk of the town". Being raised in a religious atmosphere I was led to believe that same sex relationships were impure, so I denied my feeling to myself and pushed them away in an attempt to live the life my parents expected me to live. In an attempt to prove to myself that I wasn't gay, and could easily be in a heterosexual relationship I married a man I didn't truly love. We have a young daughter together and she means the world to me. I care for my husband, and love him as a cherished friend. I however can not say I'm in love with him, or that I ever was. It's something I hate to admit, but its the truth. I've fallen in love with another women. I met her while on a trip in NYC. The city girl and the southern belle type of romance. We have stayed in constant communication over the last month or so, and I'm do for another trip to New York soon. We keep our relationship friendly because of the fact that I am married. She is openly lesbian however, and has expressed interest in me. I'm not one to cheat, but I do have a very strong emotional connection with her and of course am physically attracted to her. I just don't know what to do anymore. No one knows that I'm lesbian besides her, and a few of her friends that I met during my time in New York. I know there is no easy way, and that in the end someone is going to get hurt. I don't know how to tell my husband about my feelings. and I definitely can't confide in my parents. I'm lost right now, I've made mistakes that I know I have to deal with but I don't know where to begin fixing all the wrong I've done. I know there is not set list of things I can do, I just need a starting point. Some type of guidance, because I truly feel alone in this.
ANSWER: Dear Emily,
Thank you for writing.
Well, Emily. This is not going to be easy, and it shouldn't happen quick, but it will be worth it.
Of course, you have to think of your daughter, first. Then yourself and your husband, and under the circumstances definitely your parents.
I would bet it is pretty tempting to run off to New York and leave it all behind. But I hope you will take this step by step and resist the urge to do that because your daughter needs you.
I do not recommend having any deep discussions with your husband about your sexuality, because he can hold that against you and use it against you and it is none of his business.
Even though he is your best friend and you are close with him it does not mean that he will accept or understand your true feelings if faced with separation or divorce.
What I would recommend is that you part with your husband. I think that you should separate from him and one of you should find another place to live. When he wants an explanation just tell him that as you have grown that you realize that you and he simply are not meant for each other and that you would both be happier with other people. You are both still young and have plenty of time to find happiness elsewhere. Also time apart will help you fully realize what you are about to do should you go through with this and help your daughter transition slowly and more comfortably.
Once you separate from your husband you will be more free to explore the possibilities with the woman in NY.
Many lesbians do just as you have done, including me. We marry someone because we are trying to please everyone but ourselves. And yes when we come to accept our sexual preference- people get hurt at first, but eventually everything rights itself and you will find yourself much happier. My daughter has known I was a lesbian since she was 12 and she never left me.
If you take this slowly you can minimize the damage for everyone and make less mistakes and still get to explore your sexuality further. Also you really do not need to let your parents or the folks in your town find out if you are careful. Who knows? You could end up moving . . .
Please write me back as much as you need to. I know this is going to be tough, kid.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you Blue, it's good to know I have someone who understands.
I am taking this slow, I'm not trying to rush anything at all. What I'm most scared of is loosing my daugher. If I do divorce my husband I would hate for it to come to a custody hearing over her. She's only one year old now, and wouldn't truly understand what was happening but it's still something I would like to avoid. I also don't want I take her away from her father, she shouldn't have to suffer or miss having both parents in her life because of me. I don't plan on running of to New York anytime soon, but I am there for about two weeks every four months or so to future my knowledge. I'm a art student.
I've thought of seperating from my husband, so I could have time to think clearly and figure this all out. I just don't know the impact it will have on my daugher. I mean what if we did divorce, and all of that went through with no problem. Where does that leave my baby...do I move to New York taking her with me. But then that leaves her father behind. I don't know how to answer the question " why did mommy leave daddy" my daugher is the biggest factor in this entire situation. I have to do what's best for her.
I'm 22 by the way, I just realized I never told you that.
ANSWER: Dear Emily,
Thanks. I am here for you.
It has been my experience that men will not react well when they find out that you are a lesbian. This is why I hope that you will not confide in your husband. I would hate for him to take your baby. And as well as you believe you know him- people are just full of surprising behavior.
My husband sued me for custody and won. Had I been smarter, I could have prevented it, but I never thought he would do that. I got her back $$$$$ legal fees and heartbreak, but had I acted differently I do not think it would have happened.
It really is best that you separate, keep your daughter with you and make sure your husband gets to see her regularly. As much as he wants to within reason, unless communication breaks down- then you will need a lawyer to make guidelines in the best interest of the child.
By separating, you will be able to explore this side of your sexuality and make certain it is truly what you want. The lady in NY may or may not work out- but either way you need to find out what you really want. Also- if you are not in your joint home, you will not be doing anything morally or legally wrong and he will not be able to use anything against you legally if you are in a separate home of your own unless you are having relations with others in front of your daughter. Were you to stay in the home you have with your husband- he could snoop your emails, etc., and use that against you.
Make certain that you behave well when you are separated. No drugs, drinking excessively, or misbehaving in front of the baby or around other who will give him reports.
If you separate and all transitions well- there is no reason why this can't work out without a lot of problems. Also- you may find that you would rather stay with your husband. You never know. You are very young. But you really need to find out.
So do not confide in others about this. Be very careful. And when in NY- have a GREAT time!
How old is your husband, btw?
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
To answer your question my husband is 24.
So I talked to him today. I didn't tell him I'm a lesbian or anything concerning my sexuality. I went off what you suggested, telling him I felt we are growing apart and not very capable for one another. He suprisingly took it a lot better then I imagined.
Saying our marriage is starting to feelmore like close friends rooming together than an actual married couple. I suggested we take a break and see where things go. He didn't exactly like the idea, but is agreeing to go along with it. He set certain stipulations that we both agreed upon like no physical relations with anyone else, and he is allowing me to keep our daugher with me as long as he is allowed to spend time with her each day. We still have to work out living arrangements, but at the moment things are going okay under the circumstances.
Very good first step! I know it is hard, but at least he is being agreeable for the time being. He will very likely grow jealous and suspicious, so be very careful about phone and text messages, emails, etc. In fact- if he has access to your phone bill- you should probably get yourself a phone that he does not know about. Always erase your temporary files, and do not keep a history of your visits to websites. Erase your history any time you use your computer. Get a new email address and use it only for correspondence with your friend if you do so by email.
I'm glad he wants to see your baby every day. I hope that things continue to work out smoothly. Maybe your husband will choose to be the one to find a place while you are separated and your daughter's life will hardly be disrupted at all.
I am here if you need to talk. I hope that all goes well for you.