Lesbian Erotica/Supporting my girlfriend
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
Hi. I'm 17. Ok, so you have seriously helped my girlfriend a lot. So now I'm hoping you can help me. The the is my girl's mom doesn't support her lifestyle at all. She is completely and totally against homosexuality. I mean I understand there are people who are against it. But the problem is. I don't know how to help my girlfriend through this. I love her so much, we've been together for over a year and where best friends before that. I see how much she's hurting from all of this. I sit and hold her as she cries or rants about it. People say she shouldn't care that much..it's the price she has to pay but she already lost her father in a tragic car accident. I really don't know if she can handle loosing her mother as well. Her mom and my mom are friends, or at least they where until it came out that I'm dating her daughter. Which my mom already knew about and fully supported. It's just I feel so bad, and evil taking her mom from her. Their relationship was so strong before her mom found out about us, now her mom has barely spoken to her in the last thee months, and when/ if she does speak it's nothing but verbal abuse. My girlfriend ended up moving from her mother's home and in with her older sister it was so bad. She's happier I believe not being in that environment, but still it's my fault she is going through this. She gave up so much to be with me, her life is hell right now because of me. I honestly don't know how to fix this, to stop the feelings of hurt, neglect, and rejection she feels. Her mom even tried to get a restraining order against her seeing her little sisters, saying she was a threat to them, it didn't go through of course but the fact that she had to go through that still weighed heavy on her. She knows I love her, and would do anything at all to see her happy again. She tells me I'm worth it, that if it means her mother never speaks to her again its worth if to be with me. But I can see how it. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have to go through this In the first place. I guess my question is..what do I do. I can't end the relationship. I thought about it, thinking it would make everything go back to normal with her mom. But, and I know it sounds selfish. But I really can't imagine living without her. I can't imagine not being able to hold her hand, or kiss her, or see her eyes light up and her hear voice raise two octaves when she gets really excited. I don't know how to make this right without having to let her go. But I know I could never do it, it hurts to much to even think about.
I am here and I am going to give you a much longer answer in a little while, but I wanted you to know that I am here.
Please do not feel responsible. Please do not break up with your girlfriend because you want to 'do the right thing'.
Your girl is unfortunate to have to deal with this- but it can be done in a healthy way.
I will be back with you in just a few hours. Hang in there.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks Blue, it's good to know someone cares.
I honestly don't see how it's not my fault, their mother- daughter relationship would still be fine if it wasn't for me.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Even if you were not around, your girlfriend would still be gay and she would have found love and her mother would still be reacting in the same way.
Please do not blame yourself for her mother's choice in how to react to her daughter's sexual orientation and please do not blame yourself for your girlfriend's choice to embrace her sexual orientation. Her mother is trying to control her in a very hateful and manipulative way that has nothing to do with you or your girlfriend. What her mother is doing is abusive and it is best that you and your girlfriend just leave her mother to work things out with herself. Your situation is painful because her mother wants it to be painful. She wants to hurt and you are both letting her get her way. What her mother is doing boils down to "if you are what I want you to be- I will be nice and show you love, but if you deviate from my expectations of you I will treat you badly and hate you". Would you want your girlfriend to live the rest of her life trying to please a mother who would treat her that way? Her mother will likely always hold approval just out of reach over one issue or another.
Your girlfriend's sexual preferences are no one's business but her own. Your girlfriend chose to embrace the lesbian lifestyle and sometimes with that decision comes consequences. She would have made this decision with or without you.
For her mother to have conditional love that she chooses to use as a manipulation tool is heartbreaking. If your girlfriend went home and told her mother that she was just going through a phase and promised to behave just the way her mother wanted her to, she would still have to suffer until her mother decided to trust her again.
Your mother is supportive. Is that your girlfriend's fault or your fault? Or is that just the way your mother chooses to react as a result of the way she views the world? That your mother chooses to mind her own business and support you is not under your control. It is her own choice just as it is your girlfriend's mother's choice to try to change your girlfriend by being hateful.
I know that your girlfriend is in pain and she has very valid reasons to be sad. Unfortunately you can't fix it. She will heal as time goes by. Just be there for her and be a good friend and do not blame yourself. Your girlfriend needed to learn this about her mother's nature. Your girlfriend can find people who love her honestly, like her sister does and you and your mother do, and build a support system based on nurturing, loving, supportive people who want for her to be happy and pursue her dreams.
Eventually her mother will probably get over it. Most do. Until then- be strong, be good to each other and stay away from her mother for now.
Please write back if you need to.