Lesbian Erotica/Concerned parents
Hello. I am 38.
My question is concerning 16 year old daughter.
Around October of 2012, my daughter came out to me and my husband as a lesbian. Though both my husband and I were very shocked at her confession we support her fully. We are however concerned about her. My daughter, about a Mounth ago started dating a young girl from her school. And well to be completly honest, I know absolutely nothing about lesbian relationships. She's a sweet, respectable young lady and my daughter is very fond of her her, so that doesn't concern me. I'm just worried, and a little lost on how to talk to my daughter.
I don't know how to have "the talk" with her. What is safe sex when it comes to lesbian lovemaking? Do girls pressure other girls into sex? How do I let my daughter know to be careful, and not do anything she doesn't feel comfortable with? She's young, and even with no risk of pregnancy I still don't feel comfortable with my 16 year old becoming sexually active. How do I talk to her about waiting and caring for her body? I don't want to make thigs awkward for her, or make in uncomfortable with discussing these things.
As far as supporting her, I have told her that I love her no matter what her sexual preference and support her completly. However, I am very worried about the cruelty and criticism she is bound to come endure. How do I see her through that? She has already lost a few friends due to her sexuality, and that hurt her a lot. I hate to see her in pain over something like this, but I know as she grows and continues into this lifestyle the criticism and abandonment will only become worse.
I read a question you answered from a young 17 year old girl here titled " unsupportive mum". I never, ever want to make my daughter feel the way that poor girl's mother makes her feel. I fully support my daughter. I just need help, so that I can be a good mother and be sure I am doing everything humanly possible to support and guide her.
I applaud you for being supportive of your daughter. I know that as supportive as you are being that it is difficult for you. I am a lesbian and a mother and although I would have been supportive of my daughter had she embraced a gay lifestyle, I would not have been thrilled having gone through this myself.
When a person accepts their homosexuality often they feel so relieved that they expect everyone to accept it. Also, younger people often enjoy the shocking announcement as they are feeling that they are being rebellious.
Your daughter may not actually be a lesbian. At this point, she may just be excited about experiencing intimacy that she does not get from anyone else. Time will certainly tell. Also you might want to ask her how long she has been attracted to women. If she has always been attracted to women- it is more likely that she is truly a lesbian. Don't react to her answer. Just tell her you were curious. You know how teens like to be taken seriously.
Some things that you may need to gently talk to her about is the fact that although you and her father are supportive- it does not mean that EVERYONE is going to accept her or be supportive. Sexual orientation is a private matter and heterosexual or homosexual it is not something that needs to be announced. Certainly you should be careful about what you say and how you discuss it with her, but- she can save herself a lot of problems if she can learn to keep her sex life private especially at her age. Other teens will be very cruel and many adults will, too. It can even affect her ability to get a job.
Women do not usually pressure other women into sex. Women tend to be very shy about it. Most women find it difficult to even ask another woman out. Even if they meet them at a bar and there is absolute certainty of sexual orientation women find it difficult usually to assert themselves at ANY age. I could happen, but it is unlikely.
As far as sexual acts, most young lesbians start with 'making out'. Kissing and manual exploration of each others bodies. We do not know if she and her girlfriend have been exploring erotica or pornography, so we do not know just how much she knows yet. And most lesbian pornography is created to please men, not lesbians, so porn is a bad source for sexual education of lesbians. As things progress, your daughter may decide to have oral sex and/or play with sex toys.
There are dental dams available for safe lesbian sex, however, most lesbians do not use them. There is not a lot of sexually transmitted diseases from woman to woman. However, if there are ever men involved STD's can be passed. Certainly she should avoid blood, so no sex around the menstrual cycle is very important. Also, the use of sex toys can cause transmission of bacteria, or cause dangerous latex sensitivity or allergies. Sex toys should never contain latex or phthalates and should be used with non-latex condoms. Latex allergies can be fatal. This goes for you and dad, too, btw. Never use latex sex toys or condoms. Latex has a cumulative effect. Even if you are not at first allergic or sensitive- eventually it will happen. Signs can be a burning sensation, bladder infections, flu like symptoms, or even anaphylactic shock. Only use 100% silicone, or rubber with no phthalates. Even PVC is dangerous and usually contains phthalates. All sex toys should be kept very clean and should be washed between uses.
The same hygiene that you practice (not transferring anal bacteria into the vagina, etc.) will apply for your daughter.
If I have not covered all of your questions, or if you think of more- please write as often as you need to.
Thank you for being supportive of your daughter.