Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Things got pretty messy here for a few days and I had a lot to handle.
I definitely should of heeded your warning to be extremely careful around my husband. I didn't realize just how in over my head I was until I woke up in the hospital Tuesday morning.
I had read your reply to my question, and went to talk to my father and the deputy. I filed a police report and explained the situation..... Later that evening I'm at home, and Cory comes in. We begin talking about something, and it escalated into an argument.....I don't remember what the argument was about or anything that happened after that.
But apparently in the midst of our argument he picked me up and slammed me against the wall of our kitchen causing my head to hit the wall, and immediately I became unconscious. Fortunately, my neighbor was standing in his back yard, which faces my kitchen's sliding glass door ( the door was open) when the incident took place, and rushed in and pulled him off of me, then called the police.
He's in jail now awaiting trial. He was caught with illegal steroids on his person, and he tested positive during his urinalysis. He had enough of the steroid in his system that they were surprised he was still functioning, or even alive for that matter. He started injecting the steroid about a day before I asked for the separation, so that greatly influenced his behavior.
My daughter and I are staying with my mom for the time being. Aside from dizziness upon standing, a pounding headache, and slight memory lost i'm doing well. I filed a restraining order against him, and under the circumstances it became effective immediately. My daughter is in my custody. And I'm free of him for now....this is no where near over, but I'm hoping that with a clean system he will begin thinking rationally again, realize he needs help, and willingly sigh divorce papers. My daughter was with my sister when he attacked me, so I'm just happy she didn't have to witness that.
ANSWER: Oh, Emily! I am so so sorry!
Poor baby! I have been so worried about you!
When we are in an abusive relationship it is very hard to see the signs or take them seriously until something really bad finally happens.
I am glad that you have taken action to protect yourself and your daughter. That is a very positive step.
Be aware that he may have been doing other drugs that they did not test your husband for. If that is the case, he may start again as soon as he is free to do so. He may even start doing steroids again once he is able. Also- he will probably be very angry and seek to harm you. You must be very very careful! Once a person acts out as he has done- there is no turning back, Emily. I hope that you pressed charges against him. If you didn't you really should. I know you want your daughter to have a father, but right now- he can't be a good father. It may be years before that can happen. When things are settled you can arrange for very secure and supervised visitation and see how things go from there.
I encourage you to talk to some of the domestic abuse experts on AllExperts.com . I can only provide you with information that I have learned from many years of experience. But there are attorneys that volunteer on this site and can definitely help you with some of the issues you will be facing.
I, of course, will be here for you 24/7 to talk to when you just need to talk and / or to give you any guidance or information that is within my realm of experience.
Your safety and your daughter's safety are the absolute most important thing. Is there any place that you can stay that he does not know about? Are your parents being supportive? I think that hiding out might be a really good plan. Have you actually filed for divorce, yet?
Please, please, please do not trust him for a SECOND ever AGAIN!
Love and hugs,
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you any worry.
I will talk to the domestic violence experts. I could use there help to figure all of this out.
I did press charges against him, and he confessed to doing it. After assaulting an officer and resisting arrest, he proceeded to tell the police officer every single thing he had done over the last week, which the officer happily got on tape. So there is a pretty strong case being built against him.
I do want my daughter to have her father in her life, but if he is going to cause more harm than good I would rather not have him around her. Especially when she is at such an influential age.
My parents are extremely supportive, but my father doesn't know everything. My mother knows everything. She is very intuitive, and instantly knew there was more the my story than I was letting on. She knows me well. When she questioned me, I tried lying to her and feigning innocence. She isn't easily fooled, and called me out on it automatically. It's humorous now when I think about it, but at the time I was scared stiff. Anyway, I eventually broke down and told her everything. She took it surprisingly well, and then proceeded to tell me she already knew. She didn't explain how she knew, and I didn't ask. She told me that she loves me no matter who I love, or want to be with. And, she knew my marriage wouldn't last long because she knew I didn't love him like I should have... It was apparently very obvious to her on my wedding day. There was no spark or glow. Like I said she knows me very, very well. She has promised to keep it our secret, and understands why I tried to hide it. She literally said to me the exact thing you did " the courts are not kind to lesbians".
For now I am staying with my parents, but if/ when my husband is released we are looking for a safe place I can go where he won't be able to find me. The police are assisting us with that, and I have an attorney I know will represent me well, and is more than willing to handle my divorce, which to answer your question I have not filed for yet.
Thank you so much Blue. I never would have made it this far without your help, and I definitely wouldn't have nearly as much support as I do if I hadn't of seeked your advice first. Your a wonderful women. I truly appreciate all you do.
ANSWER: Dear Emily,
YOU never caused me any worry, but your situation did. No apology necessary at all. I am happy to have made your acquaintance and am sorry that you have been having such troubled times. You are very welcome to anything I can help you with always.
I am very relieved that your parents are being supportive of you. It appears that you have a good plan in place. You are a fortunate young woman to have a good support system and parents who are willing to help protect you.
It's funny how intuitive mothers are! Your mother sounds wonderful and wise. Some day you will probably have a similar connection like your mother with you with your own daughter. My daughter has grown into a beautiful, strong, well educated and intelligent young woman. She is awesome. And, she is heterosexual. People often wonder since I am a lesbian whether or not my daughter is gay. She is not.
Please write if you feel the need and keep in touch if you can.
Take care of yourself and your daughter!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
I have one other question. I hope I'm not getting to personal. If I am, tell me. I'll completely understand. I'm simply curious because as a mother I worry about the impact my decisions will have on my child in her future.
My question is, has your sexuality effected your daughter in any way. I ask because I'm worried about my own daughter. I know in the decisions I make, I must consider the impact said decision will have on my daughter. I don't want her to have to face ridicule and cruelty because of me. She is only one now, but as she continues to age, she's going to experience more, and be exposed to more. I don't want my sexual orientation to cause her problems in school because her teacher or friends find out her mother is a lesbian. People can be very cruel.
Now, I know I'm not going to be flaunting my sexuality; because I do believe it is no ones business but my own, but if later on, after the divorce is settled and everything, I become exclusive with another women people are going to start finding out. And I mean I don't want to go around lying to my family and friends the rest of my life. I've been hiding who I am for awhile now, putting everyone and everything before myself. Maybe I'm over thinking this. I don't know.
My sexuality probably affected my daughter a little. Her dad started a campaign against me, though. It still wasn't a big deal for her as far as I can tell. We have discussed it. In fact- sometimes she jointly answers questions on here with me. She chose to live with me when the choice was hers.
Coco may have been embarrassed when her father decided to try to f up her life by telling her whole school she had a gay mom. She never said she was embarrassed, though. At the time she found out she was probably considered cool to have a lesbian mother. She chose to live with me. She could have stayed with him. The choice was hers.
But Coco is heterosexual. She has a degree and is a manager at a wonderful historic theater. We see each other almost every day. No children. No bad behavior. No drug habits. She is strong, beautiful, well educated and has a great job.
I can remember Coco telling me that her boyfriends asked her (at a really early age) if she would be gay because I was. But I assured her that her sexual interests would be obvious and my sexuality would have nothing to do with it. She was satisfied with that.
So your plan is a good one. Do not tell the world about your sexuality. Your parents are great hetero role models. You mentioned you have a sister. Is she hetero? She and her husband may be good role models. Television is ALL about heterosexuality. I really do not think you have anything to worry about. If you weren't a concerned parent- you might. But I think you are going to make sure she grows up with normalcy. Just the fact that her mom is gay. It is only as big a deal as you make it.
And don't discuss your sexual preferences with your daughter until she ASKS. There is no reason to try to explain your sexuality to your child. Did your mother and father sit you down and say: 'Now, Emily. We are heterosexual. That means we never have sex with people of our own gender.'??? Did they? You don't need to tell her anything until she starts asking. And then- do it intelligently. By then you will have come up with a fine explanation. Or God willing- I'll be happy to help you with that. Years from now.
My family has always been very comfortable with my girlfriends because, as they say, we just seem like really close friends. We do not offend them at all.
What you are worrying about is not an unusual concern. But I don't think it IS a concern.
Love her, provide her with her basic needs, be a good mom.
You're doing great so far, right?
Write all you want. I like hearing from you.