Lesbian Erotica/Getting over her
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
I need help. I'm not doing any better than the first time I contacted you, which wasn't long ago I know. But with the way I'm feeling, the days drag on extremely slow.
She knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, exactly what to say to open the emotional scare of my past that she knows I'm still dealing with. And she's not afraid the use it all against me. She makes constant subtle remarks at work.The part that hurts the most is I still love her. After all she has done, I still care so much about her.
She's upset with me because if conversation she initiates isn't work related I don't want to talk to her. Apart from formalities, I honestly have nothing kind to say to her. I'm still grateful to her for what she did for me when I was younger, but the fact that she uses that as a tool to guilt and manipulate bothers me tremendously. She broke my heart Blue, and she doesn't seem to care.
I pretend I'm ok, I put on a smile for the world and laugh at the appropriate times. But if I'm honest with myself I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into something I won't be able to get out of. I'm going to start seeing a therapist my doctor recommended, but I'm so scared. I' was assigned three therapist as an adolescent. They all refused to see me once they discovered I'm a lesbian. I'm just waiting for this one to do the same.
It's so hard to trust people, or believe they actually care. I mean I trusted my ex, and look at where I am now. She told me its time for her to move on in life and she can't do so with someone as young as me. She's seven years my senior. I wish I feel nothing for her. I can barley say her name, or look her in the eye. Yet my heart betrays me, and forgives her instantly when all I want to do it hate her so this will hurt less.
When you start seeing this therapist (which I think is a good idea)- tell them from the first session that you are a lesbian. Tell HER that if she does not want to counsel you, you would appreciate it if she could refer you to someone who does not have issues about counseling homosexuals. Remind her that you expect your exchange to be confidential. Another option would be to not bring your sexual orientation into the conversation. A broken heart is a broken heart. Feeling devastated, abandoned, rejected and neglected is universal and sexual orientation is not a huge factor.
I'm so sorry your girlfriend did this and I know that your heart is broken. Please keep in mind that people are generally pretty selfish. She was thinking of herself. Not you. She did not do this TO you. She just did not CONSIDER you in her selfish decision. She did not do it to hurt you. But she did not CARE if she hurt you. She was just doing what she wanted to do and although it is a harsh reality- you do not fit into her picture of the future for whatever reason.
Trusting people is very much like handling snakes. They ALL bite. Some are more venomous than others, but they will bite you if you do not handle them just right. So trust that they WILL bite you if you do not watch yourself. Put them down and turn them loose when they start showing the signs of biting. I could go on to say with this analogy that the best looking snakes are the most dangerous ones. lol And snakes never say 'I'm sorry'. They just slither away. They do not feel bad about it at all. It's their nature to do so.
It is very easy to feel victimized. It is not, however, O.K. to STAY victimized. If you are to survive and be healthy again, you must continue on your journey to face your issues and do everything that you can do to deal with them and put them behind you. I do not know what happened to you in your past. You did not tell me. All I know is that you knew this woman who you love and has broken your heart was going to go and have sex with a former boyfriend and now you feel devastated. Of course it is going to hurt for a while. It surprises me that you are not more angry about it. You should be very angry. It is not O.K. for your mate to have sex with other people. Ever.
It would be much easier for you to move on if you did not have to see her at work. Make a mark in your memory for future reference. NO RELATIONSHIPS WITH EMPLOYERS / BOSSES. Also- bisexuals are not wired like homosexuals. Bisexuals are just out for fun. Not committed relationships. I would imagine there are exceptions, but usually bisexuals are pretty selfish and just out for sexual pleasure with anyone that jazzes them. So you might want to reconsider choosing to have a relationship with a bisexual.
I really think it is a good idea for you to see a therapist. I understand your reluctance. But I hope that you will try.
I do not mean to be harsh. I do not mean to sound cruel. But I have to be frank with you. You must not indulge in self pity any longer. You have had time to feel your pain. It is time to start healing. You must not continue to feel victimized any longer. You can now stand up and continue your path. If you are strong enough to write to me- that is a good sign. I think it means that you would like to survive this. Sometimes it is really hard. But you must take the steps to make this easier. I do not know what your situation at work is. But it would be really good if you could get a transfer to a different department or get a different job altogether. It really would be best if you did not see this woman while you are trying to regroup. And whatever she did for you over the years- apparently she was there for a reason. Maybe to hold all of your shattered pieces tenderly in her hand until you were strong enough to put it all back together again. But it looks like she thinks it is time to change things. Apparently she thinks you are strong enough.
If she really is being so cruel as to make remarks to hurt you and to make references to your past issues then she is certainly not worth your love. She would fall into the toxic bitch category. But, hopefully you are projecting or maybe hypersensitive. It happens. But if she really is- get the hell out of there. Do not EVER let people treat you badly. Ever.
You may have gotten very comfortable with your life with her, but sometimes things change and you just have to regroup and move on. It's not comfy at first, but when you give it a little time and start feeling your strength again it is so worth it. It just sucks for a little while. Not forever.
I know it hurts. But life has it's chapters. All of this gets easier as you grow, live and learn. You have plenty to be grateful for. Health, being able bodied, intelligence, sensitivity, earning ability, youth and a whole world out there to explore and be in awe of. There is more to life that just this woman.
I want you to promise me that you will start trudging down the path to recovering. After the first steps you will soon be skipping down that path. And I want you to realize RIGHT NOW that you have a great future ahead of you and will find a more suitable mate. I know I said it before in a past response to you, but I must stress that a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not a thing to consider. Life ALWAYS gets better as soon as we let it get better. Most of our agony exists only within our minds. Otherwise everyone else would feel it too.
Please write when you feel like it and certainly let me know how you are doing.
Feel loved and hugged.
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QUESTION: Dear Blue,
I received your email and just wanted to let you know I'm ok. I can't say I'm over her or the other situation, however I can say I'm now working on moving on. Your response to my last question to you gave me hope when I felt hopeless. I printed it out and hung it on my wall as a reminder that I'm beginning to write a new chapter of my life. I'm in therapy as I told you in an earlier response. My doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression and recommend immediate counseling.
My fears of of the therapist refusing to see me were unnecessary. Like you suggested, I told her at the beginning of the first session that I am a lesbian and if that made her uncomfortable in anyway I would appreciate it if she recommended someone who would be comfortable. Her response to me was " it's very apparent that you're use to people giving up on you. You're use to people leaving you behind. But I'm not one of those people. I'm not going anywhere until I know for sure that you have come out of this, and are stronger than ever before."
I'm taking it all one day at a time. I'm slowly getting back into the routine I had developed prior to the breakup, and I'm dealing with the demons of my past that I've always been to afraid to encounter.
You told me you were surprised I'm not more angry with her, and honestly I don't know why I'm not. Maybe by the end of my journey I'll know; she's always been there for me so this came as a pretty big shock, the final blow that I was for sure was meant to take me out. It was the kind words of a complete stranger ( you) that made me realize I need to keep fighting. I'll have to tell you the whole story someday Blue.
I'll stay in touch. Thank you for your support.
ANSWER: Thank you for checking in, Nico. I'm glad you are on the right path and working hard to recover. GREAT job!
Feel loved and hugged.
Talk when you are ready.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Blue,
Hi, I'm just checking in and giving you a quick update.
I got offered a job!!!! Which, I took of course. So, I'll no longer be seeing her at all anymore :)
I'm starting to find out who Nico is. I hadn't realized just how dependent on her I was, until I was forced to live without her. I'm finding my strength now. I have my friends who support me to the fullest, a therapist who is helping me to take things one day at a time, and let go of the pain and tear down the wall I have built around me, and you Blue, who motivated me to keep going.
I'm coming out stronger Blue. No permanent solution to a temporary problem, but a stronger women, a stronger Niko.
Thank you so much Blue. I'll stay in touch.
I am so happy to hear from you! Thank you so much! Hugs and more hugs!!!!!
FANTASTIC about the new job! That is really great news!
Your therapist sounds to be a really good person. Her approach to healing is a good one. It should definitely be done one day at a time. Or, sometimes- one little second at a time. Sometimes in life we are faced with things that are so difficult to endure that you just have to focus upon getting through it second by second. But after time we wake up one morning and the songs sound sweeter, the colors seems brighter and there is once again joy in our heart.
You are doing great, Nico. I can tell you are stronger and feeling better and I want to congratulate you on all of your hard work. Life is not easy and you have to be strong in body AND mind to enjoy it properly. You deserve happiness and you deserve to feel how good it is to be the best Nico you can be.
Know I am here and always love to hear from you in the good times, and will help you get through the not so good times.