AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 5/11/2008 Subject: RELIGION, GIRLFRIEND & SEX
Question HEY
OK I'M 14 AND I HAVE TWO QUESTIONS
1. I HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP IN A RELIGIOUS HOUSE HOLD AND I KNOW THAT THE BIBLE SAYS BEING GAY IS WRONG BUT I JUST CANT STOP BEING SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO GIRLS AND I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
2. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR 7 MONTHS AND WE STARTED HAVING SEX 2 MONTHS AGO BUT THE PROBLEM IS I CANT MAKE HER ORGASM SHE IS MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND AND SHE IS 18 AND MORE EXPERIENCED THAN ME AND ITS KINDA EMBARRASSING BECAUSE SHE CAN MAKE ME COME MUPTIAL TIMES I JUST WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE ME SOME ADVISE ON WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE HER COME
I STARTING TO THINK THAT IF I DON'T GET BETTER SHE WILL GET BORED WITH ME EVEN THO SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME AND WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT MAYBE IT JUST IN MY HEAD I JUST NEED TO MAKE HER COME
Answer Hi Amanda, thanks for writing to me.
Let's see. Let's start with question number one about what the Bible says about being gay. I was raised in a "religious" (for me, this translates to conservative Christian) household too, and I, like a lot of people, was taught that the Bible says being gay is wrong. I didn't really start studying it for myself until I was 38 so you are way ahead of me in even starting to ask the questions.
First of all, I am going to tell you that I am a professing Christian. And one of the best things I learned very late in my life is that God does not want us to take other human beings' word for what He wants, expects, thinks, etc. Human beings have a tendency (all of us...it is a human trait) to impose what we think and believe onto both the Bible and God. So when you start with the Bible, don't go by what other people tell you (including me). You have to do the work for yourself...you have to study it, very deeply, for yourself. Not in bits and pieces, not individual lines, verses, or even books, because they actually contradict each other if you take them out of context. You have to read the Bible through the context of its history, and in total. You have to understand how through the centuries human beings have used the Bible to both support erroneous beliefs and even to bully other human beings.
Let me give you some examples. Have you read in classes about Galileo and Capernicus? In science and or history you might have learned that they were the first to propose the theory of a round earth that revolves around the sun. What some teachers leave out is that Capernicus was burned alive and Galileo was banished from his home for the rest of his life for even suggesting (and showing evidence) of these scientific facts. Up until then, it was believed that the world was flat, it had four corners, and the sun revolved around the earth. Why? Well, because the Bible says so. Religious leaders, who were also the political leaders, called it heresy and said that anyone who taught differently than the Bible was against God, and they were heretics who should be punished for saying the Bible was wrong.
Eventually, it was proven that the world was round, no corners, revolves around the sun...something we take for granted today. Did humans learn their lesson? No...did you know that until 1976 in our own country, that a man could get away with raping a woman if a prosecutor could prove that the woman could have screamed and someone could have heard her? Yep. Why? Because it comes from the Bible. In Deuteronomy it says that a woman who is raped in the city should actually be punished the same as the rapist because "she could have screamed and someone would have heard her." Now, notice that it doesn't say, she could have screamed and someone could have saved her...and it doesn't say that if the guy had a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her if she screamed...then she is okay...no...in context, if you don't scream...even though you are afraid screaming will mean your death...then somehow the woman deserves either the rape, or the punishment or both.
How about one more? The bible commands that a woman who marries a man and doesn't bleed the first time they have sex is guilty of promiscuity and should be taken to her father's doorstep and stoned to death. The mother and father can protest and try to prove she did bleed by producing bloody sheets...but if they can't, she is obviously guilty and worthy of death. The medical community now knows that not all women actually do bleed the first time they have sexual intercourse...for a variety of reasons, many of them don't. God, as our Creator, would know that, but human beings didn't until the last 75 years...
Probably the most glaring example I can give would be on slavery. I think you would have a pretty hard time finding a modern conservative Christian who believes that any form of slavery is a "good" thing, or even permissable or excusable. Yet only 175 years ago pastors stood in congress, Bibles held high, defending slavery with the Word of God. The Bible not only condones slavery, it prescribes how it should be handled, and even says (Exodus) that a master can beat a slave with a rod until the slave cannot walk for several days because the slave is the "property" of the master. It doesn't say the master has to show just cause, or anything...they can just do it because the slave is their "property." Christians today, when you ask them about these glaring examples of how we no longer follow the Bible word for word, or anyhwere close to literally, will tell you it is all about time, context, cultures, etc. Yet they have picked the four or five verses (all but one of which have been mistranslated for years) out and say, "It's God's Word...you have to take it literally." No context. No culture. No interpretations, just the modern translation. Which is very interesting too, because the word "homosexual" or "homosexuality" didn't even exist until the late 1800's and didn't appear in ANY translation of the Bible until the 1940's. The Bible was literally changed to use the word that until then had been translated to be "morally soft"--without sexual orientation connotations.
So what I am saying here is don't take what other people say to be the "gospel" truth. The Bible does say to study to show ourselves approved. In other words, don't take the words of mere mortals as God's words. If anything study what Jesus said, focus on those words. This would be pretty scary for people who have divorced and remarried to do because while Jesus never said a word about gays, lesbians, homosexuals (though there is an interesting passage about "eunachs" and how some were born that way and some weren't), He had a LOT to say about divorce and remarriage and that under all circumstances they are adulterers. Of course, modern day evangelical Christians have "work arounds" like "well, if you confess it, then you are a new creature in Christ so you are forgiven and you just go on from here" or my favorite--"well Jesus says except if your spouse commits adultery..." and that isn't true either...but they twist one of the versions of Jesus' remarks on divorce to say it...
The point is...your relationship with God, with Jesus Christ, is between you and God. Study. Learn. Pray. Don't assume that other people know something about God you don't....He tells us that He is reachable by US...we don't have to go through anyone else. The Bible can be twisted by anyone to say what they want or what they believe. That doesn't make the Bible invalid, only the filters through which human beings want to put God.
Okay...on to question 2. Here I am going to be far less help for you. Amanda, please keep in mind that you are writing to a mom here. I've had three kids go through the teen years, and they are all in their twenties now, but it was recent enough that I really am speaking from experience and wanting the very best in life for you. Even the best sexual life for you. It is my firm belief that when you start actively having sex at the age of 14, especially with an 18 year old, you are short-changing yourself.
First of all, I didn't allow any of my kids to date someone that was in what I consider kind of a different "stage of life" than they were. It is less about age for me than it is about age. An 18 year old is in a totally, TOTALLY different stage of their life than you should be at 14. That's kind of hard to recognize when you are 14, it all looks the same from your perspective. But at 18, that person should be thinking about college, and/or career, moving out on their own, adult responsibilities. And yes, to a certain extent--sex. At 14, those are things that need to wait. You should be thinking about high school, maybe planning for college, but not actually making decisions...mostly doing stuff that will give you that option. You should be learning how to deal with different types of people, but none of them in a serious long term relationship. This is the time for you to kind of learn as much about yourself as you can with the least amount of drama as possible. Once you start having sexual relationships with people, you are bound to have drama. Lots of it. It changes the relationship, it creates a whole different dynamic and expectation for some peopne and none for others. I honestly believe you don't need all of that at 14. It doesn't mean you aren't going to desire it...heck, the hormones and everything are so strong at this point, I understand WANTING to have sex. But part of what being this age is, is learning to make decisions for yourself that are based less on what you WANT, and more on what is good for you in the long run. Learning that no matter how good something feels for the moment, the consequences might not be worth it. That waiting sometimes sets you up for the BEST that something can be instead of it becoming something that gives you anxiety.
You already have anxiety about this...and there will be more. So I am afraid that I can't really answer this question in the way you were hoping I could. Your girlfriend should be with someone closer to her own age, and you should be too. Not because there is something "wrong" or "bad" with the relationship...but because right now, at this point in both your lives, this is not as good for you as a relationship should be. Even five years from now, it would be an entirely different story, you will both be closer in life stages. But right now, it is too far apart.
Please think about what I have said. I know it is not the kind of thing you wanted to hear, but I have to go with the best advice I believe I can give.
