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About Michelle
Expertise
I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.

Experience
I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.

Organizations
HRC PFLAG Equal Rights Washington Legal Marriage Alliance

Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers Publisher's Weekly Western Horseman

Education/Credentials
2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes. 11 years of seminars & workshops 20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > coming out

Topic: Lesbian Life

Expert: Michelle
Date: 5/12/2008
Subject: coming out

Question
Hello! This is quite difficult for me to verbalize, but let's give it a shot. I am 42, the mother of 2 and the grandmother of 1. I was married many years ago and have been divorced for 14 years. I have always had an affinity for females, but have not acted on it until about 3 years ago when I first engaged in a menage a trois. I have had three such partnerships since then, but have really been searching for my soul mate. In March of this year, we found each other.

With this new-found love in my life, I have some " 'splainin' " to do. I have talked to my sister and my kids, but I just can't figure out how to tell my folks. Why is this so much harder for me? What is a good way to go about it?

My girlfriend and I are making a lot of plans already which include my moving in with her. Perhaps this is part of the struggle I am having because that will involve moving to another state and away from my parents.

Whatever suggestions or advice you can offer on this subject will truly be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi Amanda...thanks for writing. I would love to say that there is an easy way, or a fool proof way of telling parents (and everyone else)...but every person is so different. I can tell you that my experience has been that you just don't have any way to predict how people will initially respond, and further, what their long term response will be. I usually advise people to hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the worst. Understand that their response, though it may seem to be and feel like it is directed completely at you, there is so much more going on. Many times, especially with parents, we are dealing with something that was drilled into them (sometimes without them even realizing it) from birth. Parents are also prone to "blaming" themselves and wondering what they did to "make you gay." No amount of reassurance can help them see, if they believe that being gay is either a choice, or a result of bad parenting, that you are who you are and that it is okay.

I also let people know that the first reaction is not always the permanent reaction. A lot of people respond very supportively and lovingly at first, but develop a problem with it, or maybe a "hesitation" after it all sinks in. And others get angry, even abusive at first, and then realize that all that matters is they love you and you are happy. No way to know who is going to do which or neither...and I never fail to be surprised when the dust settles.

As to how...well, it depends on your relationship with them...how much you have been able to talk to them in the past. It is best to plan a two parter at least. Whether you write a letter first, or sit them down and talk to them face to face, plan to let them ask any questions they want, react how they want...try not to take any of it personally if it doesn't go well at first. Then, after a few days or a week, try to talk to them again. Make it a part of your conversation. A lot of families talk once and then it becomes the unspoken thing. The elephant in the room at all the family gatherings. The more comfortable you can be about talking about being a lesbian, your partner, your family, the more comfortable other people become. The more uncomfortable you are about it, the more they think "see, she knows it is wrong".

It is so, so, so normal for you to have a hard time telling your folks...way more than anyone else. I think we all are like that. Would rejection by other people hurt? Absolutely...but there is something about our need for our parents to accept us that we never, ever outgrow. For a lot of people, it isn't that we are afraid they will outright reject us, it is that we are so afraid to disappoint them. But we also know we need them to love us the way we are. Your partner is going to be a vital part of who you are, and you need them to know you in the context of your life. If they don't, if you have to pretend, then you don't feel loved and accepted as the person, for the life, you are. So you really would not be losing anything except the pretense.

They might even be shocked you thought it would matter. But it is going to be really hard for them that it means you are moving away. That, more than even being a lesbian, they might blame on your partner. My sister in law loves me now (and I love her) but I know that it ripped her heart out that my partner moved to be with me. It is pretty normal and human for there to be some doubt and resentment that gets misinterpreted as not liking that you are with a woman when it is really about them losing you in the vicinity.

Talk as much as you all can stand. Give them time. Remember, always, that if it took you this long to accept yourself, and you are the one living your life, that they may need some time to process it all too.

I hope this helps...please feel free to write any time.

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