AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 6/22/2008 Subject: Confused, am I bi am I gay?
Question I have known that I am not straight for sure since I was 14 years old, I am now 22. Last night for the first time I went to a lesbian event at a bar and I had a blast, honestly it felt like home and I didn't mind not having any men there (well, there were men there they were just working). I am confused about my sexual orientation, I feel like I am a teenager again actually. I recently posted this message in on my Weblog, and it sums up what I am feeling very nicely.
"These past few months as I have been journaling I have been really trying to find my true sexuality, and at this point it's tough! I feel like it shouldn't be this tough, like I should just be able to fall for who I want without having to tell anyone a preference of mine. I know that I like women, and think I that I have liked men. I am interested in a man, but then I wonder is it just because he has a pretty face?.. I realize that might sound confusing. Every real relationship I have had with men, whether he was my boyfriend or we just dated for a bit has ended with me being disappointed and frustrated with myself because once he showed interest in me I became uninterested and I just didn't want to spend time with him. Does that mean I just don't like men? I don't want to make a mistake and come out as lesbian and really be bisexual.
I was watching one of those coming out vlogs on Youtube today and this guy gave some hints on coming out and one of them was "Make sure you are really gay, gay by choice is just not cool." When I heard that I thought, and I trying to make myself lesbian by choice? It's not like I hate men, I think they are great I'm just wondering if deep down I am really attracted to them, or am I just responding to people expect me to be. I think regardless of sexual orientation anyone can appreciate an attractive person, that's just a normal human response, is that what has happened with my relationships with men in the past, and once we've gotten to the place where they show some genuine interest in me I realize I want out? The second to last guy that I have dated I had a crush on for two years.... TWO YEARS, but he was always with someone. The day of our first date I had a bad feeling, it was like I was excited before, but the more I thought about it I felt worse and worse almost like I was going to be sick. I remember our last date, he had just dropped me back at work and I just knew it wasn't right and it had to end, one of my coworkers could tell that there was something wrong and there was, I knew in my heart that I just didn't want to be with him and I had to end it. Oh, another example. Another guy that I liked who is dating a coworker now (long story), he and I went out to eat lunch. I was kinda excited, yet as I was sitting there eating with him I was just so UNINTERESTED, I mean he even said something about my phone number and it was like I purposefully said something so that he wouldn't get it. Has anyone else felt this way before?"
Does all this mean I am lesbian? I haven't come out yet, but thinking about coming out as a lesbian actually scares me, I was thinking maybe it scares me because I would miss dating men, but I really don't think that I would. I think I like how some of them look, but I feel like I don't really want to pursue a relationship with them. Does that make me lesbian?
Thank you so very much for your time!
Answer Hi Lisa, thanks for writing to me. I can relate to a lot of your experiences, and feelings...and I think a lot of people can. Our society (and sometimes people in general) puts a lot of pressure on us to wear an identifiable lable. It makes it easier for THEM. Unfortunately, it causes us more confusion.
The truth is, you don't have to decide today, tomorrow, next week, this year, whether you are a lesbian or if you are bi. In fact, I would warn against it. I understand the vlogger saying "make sure" but to be perfectly honest, sometimes it takes a bit of living to "make sure." Especially for women. We women tend to have our emotions very closely linked with our libido. I tend to believe that sexuality is far more fluid for women than men. Not that I don't believe there are women who are strictly straight and some that are strictly lesbian (I fall in the latter category)...but I think that women tend to be attracted to the person as much and sometimes more than the exterior/physical.
Having said that, I will also tell you that yes, even if you do come to the realization that you are 100% lesbian, that yes, you will still see some men and say, "wow, that guy is hot!" Very common. Noticing and appreciating the physique and the person etc doesn't mean that it is someone you want to have a relationship with, or sleep with. You just see them as very attractive. And to want them in your life as one of your friends, sometimes that can be mistaken as romantic interest. Then when you see them in a "romantic" sense, you find that you don't have that kind of interest.
It takes a while to sort out all the feelings...take your time, don't let anyone rush you. Worry less about a lable, and start doing some dating. Men and/or women. That's what dating is for. I told all of my kids, DATE. (Not "have sex"...that's a different kettle of fish...) DATE. Spend some time with different people. What you tend to find out is that the people you thought you would LOVE to "be with" end up not being the ones you enjoy the most...but you find that out by seeing different kinds of people. Talk, listen, find out who makes you laugh, and who makes your heart pound after you've spent some time with them. Don't be in a hurry. I remember seeing a poster once on how to be happy, and the last thing on the list was something like "Pick your mate VERY carefully, who you are with will determine 90% of your happiness or misery." Something like that, anyway. I am a firm believer that if you aren't happy inside, no one else can make you happy...but believe me, they can make you UNhappy.
Be comfortable with yourself whether you find that you are bi or lesbian (or straight) and you will find the definitions less important. You will just be, and you will be happy just being who you are. Don't let people push you into a decision.
