About Michelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Lesbian Life - Workplace crush while in the closet
Expert: Michelle - 6/28/2008
Question Hello,
I am a 27 year old woman living in the midwest. I have known that I was a lesbian since I was 17, however it seems to comes in waves, and I've done a fine job distracting myself with boyfriends in the past.
However, recently at work, I've met a woman that has brought all my feelings to the surface. She and I flirt every time we see each other, and I try to let her know how I feel, I touch her on the arm when she makes me laugh, we take each other to coffee, send e-mails etc.
However, today when we went out for lunch, I asked her if she was doing anything for pride and she said maybe next year since she just moved to the cities and is settling. She asked me if I do anything annually, and I said some years I do, and some I don't.
Anyway, we made plans to go out to dinner and to a movie, but I don't know. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I shocked her in some way. I am not out of the closet, and people don't usually peg me as gay because I am so femme. Can't say that I have strong gaydar either, this woman may just be friendly.
How can I explore this relationship safely? I don't know want to be outted ( I want to control when this happens) but I do want to begin having relationships with women.
I just feel so alone in this. Any advice would help.
Answer Hi River,
It's a tough one, especially if you are interested in someone at work. Without her even meaning to (if she is gay she is more than likely pretty sensitive to the outing issue) she may out you just by way of casual conversation, or any number of ways. Again, not meaning to, but it happens. I always tell people that ready or not, once you come out to one person, you will more than likely be out to most if not all of the people in your life, because human beings talk to each other. It is a given.
You might have surprised her, but probably didn't shock her. You are going to go to dinner and a movie, so that will probably be the perfect time to ask her, "So, did I surprise you, or did you know I was gay?" If others at work know or suspect, she will probably tell you. And it is a good time to let her know you aren't out and aren't sure you want to be just yet. I would hope she would honor that kind of confidence.
I think that you will find that as you continue to accept yourself, other people are going to take their cues from you...if you are embarrassed about being gay, they will think you have a reason to be. If you are comfortable with it, most other (not all) people will be comfortable with it too. That's been the biggest surprise for me...I live in a very small agricultural conservative area, and as I came out, the more I realized that people were just waiting for a signal from me that it was okay to talk to me about my life. They were waiting for me to peek over the wall I put up to protect myself. The really funny thing was, people would accidently start to use the word lesbian and then almost visibly trip over their tongues and you could hear their brain, "Ahhhh!! I almost said 'lesbian' to Michelle!!" So then I would say the word...and then the gates were open, lesbian, lesbian, lesbian! LOL. It was pretty funny, actually. Just last Friday I had to do inventory and my counting partner was a young college man. The manager had put us on makeup, and it is one of the worst things in inventory to count...for a variety of reasons. The young man knew, I'm sure, that I was gay, but he was being very quiet and reserved with me. About half way through the makeup, I said, "You know, I wonder if they would take us off of this if I remind them that lesbians aren't good with makeup?" He cracked up, said he wanted to see the manager's face when I asked...and the ice was broken. We had a great day together, he joked around...it was like I took down the "mustn't say the wrong thing" sign. He relaxed and we had a really good time. There was a time I would have taken his early reserve as discomfort with me being a lesbian...but over the years I have learned that most people are actually uncomfortable with themselves, for fear of saying the wrong thing or offending me. When I remove that block, things always change.
My partner is from the midwest, from Wisconsin...and she left behind a very active and fun and huge group of lesbians. They are around...we just need to find them for you.
