AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Question hi i am shayanna i am 12 i am scared if i am a lesbian i like girls what should i do i i am crying what if no one likes me i live in a small town where everyone know every thing about body i am so confused i act like i like guys but i don't i need to know if it ok i feel so alone all my sibling are strait but why me i am sorry i thought maybe you could help me but if you cant i am sorry i wasted your time just to let you know this is my deepest secret my parents don't no no one dose
Answer Hi shayanna, and no, please don't ever worry that you have wasted my time by asking questions or for help figuring things out.
Shayanna, let me start here...you don't need to know today, or tomorrow if you are gay or straight. Please understand that. I know it feels like you do, but you don't. I understand it is scary if you find yourself having feelings for other girls, and I understand how hard it is to feel that way when your friends all talk about how they like some guy...and you don't feel that way. It makes you feel different, and like there is something "wrong" with you.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You aren't the only one who feels that way. Like you, there are other people you know who have feelings for someone of the same gender--both guys and girls. Even in a small town like yours. The problem is, like you, they are too afraid to say anything because they are afraid other people will reject them or think they are "weird." They might even think their parents will be angry. So, like you, they pretend to like people of the opposite gender so they can be like everyone else. And Shayanna, that's okay.
I'm going to be very, very honest with you. If you ARE a lesbian, then yes, there are going to be some other kids and other adults who think there is something "wrong" with you. That is a reality. And if you are gay and living in a small town, it is hard because even though there are more than likely other kids who are gay, they probably are going to keep it a secret for the same reason.
But hopefully you can start just with yourself. Learning to accept yourself however you are--gay or straight. Learn to accept yourself, all the good things about yourself, all the things that are different from other people. Understand that all those things make you who you are. If, at some point, you know for sure you are a lesbian, you will find that yes, a few people have a problem with it, but for the most part--especially other kids--people take their cues from you. If you are okay with it and accept yourself, and it is no big deal, then for other people it won't be a big deal either.
I want you to try and do this...think about the person or couple of people you know at school that would be the most fun to be friends with, to hang out with. The people that most people are drawn to hang out with and want to be around are the people who are the most comfortable with who they are. They don't worry as much as the other kids about whether or not others will like them, they just are who they are, and if you don't like it, that's okay, they don't worry too much about it. Oh sure, there are some "popular" kids who WORK at it, buying all the best clothes and stuff, but you can tell they WORK at it, and if you spend much time with them you find out they take too much effort to be friends with. Those are people who think too highly of themselves. But like I say, think of the people you know are really just who they are. Those are the people fun to be around.
That can be you...straight or gay. Start accepting yourself, straight or gay, learn to be comfortable with who you are...as you are, and other people will be too. That is something that takes some real work when you are 12. At 12, it is VERY normal to think there is something wrong with you. I don't know why we feel that way, but it happens to most of us. The real trick is, working on it. When you start getting scared, whether it is about being straight or gay, fat or thin, tall or short, whatever it is, start reminding yourself that you are you, and all the things that make you who you are are all okay. You have to say it to yourself a LOT of times before you start really believing it.
Like I said, don't try to decide whether you are straight or gay right now. You will figure that out as you go along...focus more on being okay either way. And if you feel like you are leaning toward the gay side, remind yourself that there are other kids you know who are going through the same thing...they just can't tell anyone either. I was pretty sure by the age of twelve that I was a lesbian, and I was absolutely sure I was the only person I knew. Not just at school, but for sure in my church. I was very, very involved in church, and that made it pretty scary for me. I was sure there was something wrong with me...and that if any of my friends and especially anyone at church knew, they would hate me. I didn't find out until a lot of years later that even though I felt like I was the only one, I wasn't. There were several of us in our church, and even more at school. None of us could tell anyone, so we all thought we were alone. We all pretended, and we all thought that if the other person knew....and here they/we were all going through the same things.
For now, Shayana, take the pressure off yourself. Say to yourself, "it doesn't matter if I am gay or straight...I'm okay." Maybe if you are comfortable with yourself, you will have a friend who confides the same confusion and the two of you will be able to talk about it.
You can write to me any time...and hopefully you will feel a little less alone about this.
