AboutMaenad Loyce Expertise I can answer questions on discovering oneself in mid-life, lesbian relationships, where and how to connect to other lesbians, coming out, the whole 'religion' thing and most any other questions about lesbian life.
Experience I discovered I was a lesbian in my late 30's after being married for 8 years and having two children. I have been out ever since. I've been active in or visited many lesbian communities and have a large network of live and cyber contacts.
Education/Credentials There is no such thing as a degree in Lesbian but I've studied Psychology, Sociology and Women's Studies at university level. I believe my personal experience counts more toward at least a Bachelor's education level in Lesbian.
Expert: Maenad Loyce Date: 6/24/2008 Subject: A second opinion
Question I had asked this question in the "gay/lesbian/bi teens" section of allexperts, but thought getting a second opinion might help since I'm still a bit confused.
I'm 15 years old and will be a high school sophomore in September Currently I'm dealing with a problem.
I'm a bit flustered about my sexuality. I consider myself to be bisexual currently since I have the potential to have a crush on either a boy or a girl; the problem is that lately when I think about myself something in my head keeps calling myself a lesbian instead of bi. I've become so much more attracted to girls in the past year and a half, and have been losing interest in guys.
Is it normal to move so far the one way on the Kinsey scale in a short period of time, or is something odd going on. People don't just change their sexuality all of a sudden (even though it seems like it sometimes), but I'm leaning so far on the homosexual side I feel odd about it. Like I keep imagining being with a girl for the rest of my life, and not a boy, but I still keep the idea of being with a guy open because I'm not giving up on them just yet. I don't know if this affects it or not, but I should mention I've never dated either sex or done anything else romantically with someone.
What I need to figure out is that am I really bisexual, a lesbian in denial, or something else?
Thanks for taking the time to read this,
Christine
Answer Do you really need to put yourself in a box, Christine? Especially at 15 when the whole world is open to you and anything is possible? You will learn over the years that nothing to do with human beings is static. We are all learning and growing and changing every moment of our lives. As we grow we discover things about ourselves that we are occasionally surprised at but the only sure thing is that nothing is sure. That's one reason I think it's tricky to limit yourself to one or another label.
I'll try to explain how the process you're describing works. We all have something we find difficult to accept about ourselves. In this case we're talking about being a lesbian. So a woman finds herself attracted to other women and struggles with the idea because it's scary and foreign. Over time she is confronted with more and more evidence until she can no longer deny it. What can she do then?
Sometimes it's easier to take small steps like slowly coming to accept being bisexual. Dividing a process into bites small enough to swallow is easier than jumping into an alien and frightening void. She learns what it means to be bi and meets others and talks about what it means until she becomes comfortable with that idea because it's not such a big leap after all. The next step occurs in the same way. It's called Normalization. We are all socialized to be straight so we have to re-socialize ourselves to be who and what we are even when we have no idea what that looks like. We have to create it for ourselves.
Sometimes this process can take years to unfold and sometimes, like you, it can occur very quickly. In my case it took several years but I know women who have leapt from straight to full-blown, raging lesbian in the blink of an eye. I guess it's a matter of how much we've internalized the homophobia around us.
If you'd like to discuss it more feel free to write again any time, my dear.
