AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 7/21/2008 Subject: Is Age Really A Factor?
Question I've been out for about 4 years now but I dont have a ton of dating experience. For the past 3 months I've been dating a girl who is about 7 years older than me. It doesnt bother me but a few of my freinds and family members have been pretty vocal about their opinions. Im 20 and she says she wants to settle down sometime soon. I've never been so happy and comfortable in a relationship as I am with her and I could see us getting married someday. But are my family members right? Are there things that I wont be able to relate to her about or offer her because of my age? We've never had a problem with her being older than me but my friends and family seem sure in their opinions.
Answer Hi Andy,
So much depends on life experience, not just chronological age. In general the younger the two of you are when you first start seeing each other, the more differences there are between "life stages" as opposed to ages in terms of years.
I'll have to give you an example to really explain it. I had some rules about age differences when my kids were teens. They weren't allowed when they were fifteen or sixteen to date an eighteen year old, especially if that eighteen year old had graduated from high school. Now, if we look at 16 and 18, we are only talking about two years' difference, BUT the life stage that a sixteen year old is at (highschool for a couple more years) and an 18 year old...as you know at twenty, the gap in life stages is pretty big. The 18 year old is thinking college and/or career and the 16 year old is hopefully thinking gettting through this term with good grades, dating etc. Likewise, when that same kid turns 18, two years differenc isn't that big, and dating a 20 year old is okay because both of them are at an approximate same life stage...BUT an 18 year old dating someone seven years older, is a HUGE gap, a gap that will lessen in even two years...when they are 20. The gap is still there, but it isn't as big as it would have been when you were 18.
But at twenty, the questions you kind of need to ask yourself are: what stage am I in, what stage is she in? You mention she says she wants to settle down soon...and while you may be happy and see yourselves married some day...that doesn't necessarily mean that it would be healthy or good for you to jump into the same stage of life that she is in..."settling in" at 27 is a pretty good, normal, healthy stage for her to be in at this point in her life. You, however, haven't even reached the age where you could (if you wanted to) go to a bar and drink without a fake id. You haven't really lived the life that is normal and healthy for a 20 or 21 year old.
I work at a college and am in close daily contact with 18 to 21 year olds day in and day out. I give ALL of them the same advice (and some of them actually listen to me, LOL)...do NOT, DO NOT make life-long decisions until you are at least 25. Especially the women. We women change so very drastically from the 18 to 21 range, and then from 21 to 25, and we finally, finally have some strong clues about who we are and what we REALLY want about the time we hit 28 to 30. So I tell young women not to make lifelong decisions about love, about marriage, about career until they are at least 25. Should you set out in directions you want to explore? Absolutely...but don't lock yourself into anything--relationship or work related--for a few more years.
You and your girlfriend may have a wonderful relationship at this point, but it doesn't mean you are in the same stage of life, and you WILL go through this stage sooner or later. What happens is, some people end up trying to skip it because they are with someone who is in a later stage, and sooner or later they end up needing to go back and fulfill this stage. It is a part of our human development. What you will find is that if you don't try to skip being 20 or 21 or 22, and doing the things your girlfriend did get to do when she was your age, in a couple more years, you will both find yourself at pretty much the same stage...and seven years won't make much difference. But right now? Yes, there is a big difference, because of life stages.
At this point in your life, Andy, it isn't that you wouldn't be able to relate to her or offer her something, it is that you would be trying to skip something you need to go through in order to be who you need to be. You need to date, you need to be 20 and 21. She is where she should be at 27, and you need to be where you are supposed to be at 20. Don't rush it. It doesn't mean there would be something "wrong" with either one of you, and it doesn't mean that the relationship would be a disaster for either of you...what it does mean is that we humans have certain developments that we must go through in order to be whole, and we tend to cause ourselves (and sometimes others) a whole lot of grief by trying to circumvent the process.
I can tell you this, this is the same advice I gave my kids. One of them didn't listen to me and dated a man who was 7 years older than her when she was 19. They ended up going through a whole lot of hell they wouldn't have had to go through if they had waited a couple of years. She freely admits that now, even though they have managed to come through to the other side of it all and are still together. She wishes she had waited a couple of years. It was extremely difficult and painful, and she says she would have the same rules I did, and tell her kids the same thing. And she hopes they will listen to her better than she listened to me.
So...it isn't about age, but stages. Keep that in mind. It is hard to say, "I will wait" when you obviously care about someone deeply as you do her. But it might be a good idea to think about dating a bit more before you settle down.
