AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 7/4/2008 Subject: My Contemplation and Reflection
Question Dear Michelle,
I have become a reticent and secrete virtual observer of your conversations and advice to other people since I discovered this website. Ironically, I was looking for answers on the web to my questions on how to get into an acting/singing career in the US, and luckily found the section about relationships and lesbian life. I am writing you not to ask questions, but rather to reflect on the results of such observation and how much I understood and learned by reading your answers and those of another expert, Ms. Loyce.
First of all, I should introduce myself and tell you my brief story so that you have an idea of where I am coming from. I am a 23 year old female, born in Central Asia (Republic of Uzbekistan, Former Soviet Union), raised by single mother who always valued high morals and good principles of life as well as education. Moved to a neighboring country of Kazakhstan in May 2007 and still live here with my mother and have a good job in the private oil&gas sector.
Till the age of 15, I did not enjoy any attention from boys except when they considered me as their close friend. You probably can guess now that I was tomboyish and turned into a really feminine young lady at the age of 16. Most of my life since then was connected with men, although I always admitted to myself that women meant something special for me. I traveled a lot for my age throughout Europe and the US, received good education (also spent one academic year in the US and will return to Boston this August to start graduate school at Fletcher), and met different people. Had crushes and relationships at work (I know you encourage against it, but in my case I was seduced but never initiated anything that would go beyond friendship), a serious but long-distance relationship with a young woman three years my senior that resulted in break-up with her this spring. Was even engaged with a man (American citizen) 19 years my senior, but realized that I would not be able to make him as happy as he wants to be with me. Where do I stand now? I guess in the middle of re-comprehension of my self. I seem to understand much more at the age of 23 than most people at the age of 40 in terms of personal philosophy and perception of life. How come such a mature soul can live in such a young and tight body? Well, there should be some exceptions...
Now getting back to my observations. I guess labels, no matter how strongly people are discouraged from using them, will play an important part in our lives. We humans had been always trying to bring more certainty into our lives, and that's how labels were created. We are too confused to quit using them, we are too confused to understand that nature (as much as being straight) is very certain but we don't have to stick to it. The reality is that people are creatures who think logically and eliminate anything absurd. This is where we get so much criticism and non-acceptance from toward being gay, and it is a logical and rational reaction of those who is used to/was raised being certain and 'natural', i.e. straight. In other words, labeling is basically a form of information for the 'general computer' of the straight world to process, otherwise it will crash and consequences are inevitable. So, I agree with you that labeling might be confusing for us in some way or at the initial stage of self-understanding, but it is helpful when we already can identify ourselves with certain social group/category we feel we fit into best.
To my own surprise, however, my current stage (or phase, if you would like) is unknown even for myself, but I do realize that I am bisexual, gearing more and more toward the day side. One of my professors from Austria, with whom I was very open and who was also bisexual, told me: "you don't need to decide now or later, or ever what your sexual orientation is because it will come to you with the person you will fall in love with." Could he be more right saying these wise words then? It is only now I understand that he couldn't.
I also start thinking what will the world be like in one or two centuries if it is going to have more gay people. We are in the state of transition toward valueing personal happiness and satisfaction over the conforming to "right" traditionalism. It could be that some of us became bored of having regular life just like most people else did a century ago, or it also could be that we 'construct' new mankind essentialism that is called Happy Freedom. Could anybody think of anything better fifty years ago? Obviously not. But let's see what our tomorrow is going to be like when you're free to openly love a person for who he/she is regardless of gender.
I guess I should bring this digression to an end and return to my case. It is good to notice that I get more attention from older people (men and women) as I re-evaluated my personality in harmony with my good look, and can share my emotions and give a lot to people I tend to be attracted to and by. Confidence... there is so much in this word and it does win women's hearts. The evidence is that my 30 y.o. female co-worker from another department invited me to go to a nightcub with her tonight. And I am sure it is going to be delightful, as I am taking my life and sexual exploration step by step, and enjoying every moment of this wonderful process.
Thank you for you, Michelle. Best luck to you and your partner.
Kindest regards,
Sogdiana
Answer Thank you, Sogdiana, for your beautifully written letter and observations, and reflections. I'm not surprised at all at the words and level of maturity, or clarity, at such a young age because it sounds to me like you have had a broader experience and level of life than most people who live in the United States do....especially as you travel inland. I would love to agree with you regarding the "The reality is that people are creatures who think logically and eliminate anything absurd." We are in complete agreement up to and beyond this point, and this is a minor one...but I find that most humans don't think logically. People like you do. I like to think that I do, for the most part. But my experience has been that well over half of the American population (who are kind of a case unto themselves--they/we tend to limit our observations to the immediate rather than the global) is not logical...they process through filters constructed of limited experience and untested beliefs. When challenged to test beliefs, or expand their processes, they get defensive and rather than defending on logic, defend based on emotion.
Not to sound negative on Americans, it is more a matter of understanding where people come from and why they do and say what they do and say...
I agree with your professor that you don't have to decide now or later or ever what your sexual orientation is. You have probably read letters from me to people saying just that. I am delighted that you let your letter to me be public, because I have had so many young people write to me in pain for not knowing whether they are gay, straight, or bi. I believe it will help them to hear from someone who is walking through the same process of personal acceptance that is okay with just being who she is, regardless of who that may be.
