AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 7/22/2008 Subject: Flirting with a married woman
Question QUESTION: So it's safe for me to flirt because lam not married. Plus l didn't start the flirting. Then one night it went to far.
She kissed me and l kissed her. 'ALCOHOL WAS A PART OF IT'
I e-mailed her and she mailed me back saying she would call. She didn't so after 5 days l e-mailed her and told her not to worry that l just wanted to talk about what happened.So l could understand what her expectations are. So she took another 2 days then she e-mailed to apologize
and thanked me for a great night it was nice to let loose and not be judged.She told me that her husband is ok with it and her past...HOWEVER..l don't know much about her past!! she's a friend of a friend So l don't know much. And l don't want to ask my friend just incase it's a closet issue. She wants to be my friend . But l don't know what to do with...we haven't seen one another since the kiss...
Do l stop flirting
DO l step back from it
Or do l do whatever feels good. Because l have nothing to loose as long as l don't get emotionally attached
please advise...
Thanks so much
ANSWER: Hi Trish,
I would say that you risk a lot by engaging in even flirtations with this woman. You say you have nothing to lose as long as you don't get emotionally attached, but that is something that we (none of us) really has any control over. Our emotions, our heart, get engaged whether we want them to or not, and then we are stuck between wanting to step back and needing to go forward. If you are wanting to keep flirting with her, I would say that on some level you already ARE emotionally involved to a certain extent, but maybe at a point where you can step back and realize that you are playing with a no-win situation. My advice would be to maintain a friendly distance. Better for her, and yes, better for you. I know quite a few lesbians who have gotten emotionally involved with a woman married to a man, and I have a feeling that all of them would tell you the same thing. And most of them started off with very innocent flirting and/or friendships.
Thanks,
Michelle
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Michelle,
Here is my next question. Do you think she has feeling for me. And that's why she avoids any of the questions l ask her. Because she might be afraid of the reaction. How does a married woman carry on the way she carries on. With out having some feelings. Or has she been hurt in the past and has no emotion left. And is just playing a game of l love what l feel from you. But l have no ties what so ever. And like it like that.. It's very confusing. l just want a straight answer but she won't let me in. She must know that it will affect what friendship we have...l just don't know...Should l just end the friendship completely. But then people will wonder what the heck happen to the two of us. Gezz...what a mess. Thanks for all your help!!! your a saint...l can't wait for your answer on this one..
xo See that's how it started innocent...LOL
TRISH
Answer Hi Trish,
My gut feeling on this one (not clinical) is that she realized she crossed a line, could very easily have or develop feelings, but when she evaluated where that would take her, decided or realized that she was not going to leave her husband, so it would be cruel and pointless to allow it to happen again. Believe it or not, a number of married women have told me the reason they flirt with and sometimes kiss (and more) a lesbian friend is because on some level they don't consider it "cheating." Since they are "straight" then it wouldn't be cheating, and "it can be kind of fun." Believe it or not, some of their husbands tolerate it at first for the same reason. "I just got drunk, we were kidding around...it didn't mean anything because I am sooooo straight." If the wife got drunk and made out with another guy, sometimes they take it a lot more seriously.
Here's the real interesting thing, there are still states that don't consider the wife sleeping with another woman to be an "affair." In some states, it doesn't even count as sex (less and less each year) so husbands who sued their wives for divorce on the grounds of infidelity were thrown out of court if it was with another woman!
I'm not saying that's what this woman did...but the fact that she told her husband, and the husband was "okay with it" sends up a couple of red flags for me.
Where this leaves the lesbian friend is in the lurch and wondering what the heck happened. Then, with time, the "straight" woman finds herself not kidding around any more and being emotionally involved as well as physically but still not really able to toss her life overboard. Trish, I can honestly tell you that I spend a lot of time trying to help people on both sides...the married woman and the lesbian friend...both of them in agony, because they were "flirting" and kidding around (and for some reason alcohol is ALWAYS involved--we generally end up establishing after a while that it is because it gives them an excuse to do what they really wanted to do all along) and ended up falling in love--BUT the married woman can't bear to throw her whole life--husband, usually kids, house, family, church, everything--away. Which again, leaves the lesbian friend with nothing. OR, if the married woman does decide to leave, both of them go through the excruciating mess of divorce, child custody, and depending on state laws, some really scary legal stuff. It is incredibly stressful, messy, and dark.
I don't think it was a game for her. I don't think most people mean to do that...but I do think she did some pretty hard thinking about what she did, what it would mean if she ever followed up in any way on it, and she made some decisions. Maybe even decisions that she hoped would be less painful for you.
And yes, :) it always starts out so innocent, LOL.
