AboutMichelle Expertise I can answer/explore questions regarding: coming out; conflicts of faith for both the gay/lesbian person accepting their own sexuality as well as friends/family accepting the sexuality of someone they care about; coming out to your children; talking to your teens about being gay; coming out of a long term opposite sex marriage; history of marriage; legal recognition of same gender marriages; how ultra-conservative religious training/upbringing affects gays and lesbians; being "out" in a small, conservative community; current dynamics of religion/dynamics.
Experience I was raised in a conservative Christian church, and still am a Christian. From my earliest memories, I always had "crushes" on girls/women, but because of my background and training, believed homosexuality was a "sin" and that I was an abomination. I believed it was a "choice" and I was determined to choose heterosexuality. I married a man (claimed to be a Christian, ended up being abusive), had three kids, and was married for 20 years. I attended a Christian college (had devastating crushes there) and at the age of 26 started writing and speaking for Christian groups across the United States and Canada. After fifteen years of teaching others to "remove the masks" I finally peeled away my last mask. I lost my church, my oldest friend, my career, and quite a few people I trusted and loved--but I gained my soul. You can't fool God. I used my experience and tweny-five years of biblical studies to understand how scriptures have been misused against the gay/lesbian/bi/trans community. I am now married to a woman (seven years) and active in the gay/lesbian community. I have made myself an expert on same gender marriage issues and legal cases. I am very involved in local, state, and national politics.
Organizations HRC
PFLAG
Equal Rights Washington
Legal Marriage Alliance
Publications
Two books and hundreds of articles for Christian publishers
Publisher's Weekly
Western Horseman
Education/Credentials 2.5 years of college, including a variety of theology classes.
11 years of seminars & workshops
20 years as a writer (fifteen of which were for Christian publishers)
Expert: Michelle Date: 7/5/2008 Subject: gay straight, and coming out to parents
Question I have always thought of my self as Bi,
The first time I had sex with a woman I had this feeling that this felt right ( a
feeling I am not sure I have felt many times since) but I still did not think of
my self as gay. I continued making out with guys and girls but never thought
I could fall in love with a woman the way I could fall in love with guys. I got
married and I divorced, as even though I love and adored my partner I missed
being with woman. Still never had a long relationship with woman. I went
through a period that I mostly made out with guys ( only cause I didn't meet
a girl) and always questioned my status. My last boyfriend was the first time
I was with a man and did not care or miss girls. He smashed my little heart
and then I just could not have sex with a guy again. ( it sounds cliche,I know)
Since then I went to mostly sleep with girls, but not having a real relationship
with one. Due to a impossible interaction with a girl last night ( I felt a block
in my stomach when we kissed, even though we had slept together in the
past and I thought I liked her) I started thinking and questioning again if I am straight or gay, if being with girls is a reaction to being hurt and to my family.
Where does the family come in,
well my family does not know I am not straight and my mother ( whom I love
and fight with constantly) has always had a negative approach towards
lesbians. I still remember her making an offensive comment while I was just
in junior high, so I wonder if me being with girls is a fight with my mother, or
if me questioning it is due to her negative responds towards lesbians.
Also I usually feel more comfortable in girl bars and with my gay friends but
last night ( date with this girl) I felt like I wasn't one of them.
I also had this dream that I was putting my parents house accidentally on fire
last night... and then I put the fire off
I feel very confused,
I hope my letter makes some sense.
I am looking forward to your reply.
K
Answer Hi K...thanks for writing to me.
I like to remind people at this point that I am expressing my personal opinions, not anything based on a degree in psychology or anthropology, or anything like that. Mainly because I don't know if it is something that can be "proven" empirically or scientifically at this point, when means that we are all pretty much expressing our opinon on "nature vs. nurture." Nature being "born that way" and Nurture being family and environment, and relationships.
I will start off by saying that you don't need to "decide" am I gay or straight. The best thing you can do to alleviate your confusion and anxiety about sexual orientation is to be okay with it whether you are gay, straight or bi. When I say, "Okay with it" I mean that if you begin to suspect or feel that you lean toward the lesbian side (for example) that you recognize the fear and anxiety as possible reactions you will get from people you love and want to accept you. You said that when you first had sex with a woman, you had the feeling that this felt right...at that point you weren't thinking about how others would react, you were just accepting the experience.
The other times you have had sexual experiences, you have had more "blocks." I tend to believe that you are going to feel this way toward most people because I believe that sex, at its best, is an expression of love and affection, and it is hard to do that with a variety of people. It becomes meaningless when there is no real relationship and intimacy behind it. We can still feel pleasure, but it is more hollow than it is when we are having sex with someone we have gone through all the courtship, dating, anticipation rituals with. It is just very different--regardless of sexuality. So you may not have felt the same as you did that first time partly because it was based on a completely different set of emotions, and if it was more on the surface then it would also allow your mind to drift to the "what ifs" of how other people would think of you...
My personal opinion is that your relationship with your mom is irrelevent to the question of your sexual orientation. It is a common myth, in my opinion, that a distant or dysfunctional relationship with your mom makes you seek the love and affection of other females. It is a myth propogated and reinforced by certain religious groups. But as I told MY mom when she said that's what a religous group told her about me being a lesbian, if that were the case, then SHE (my mom) would be the lesbian and I would be straight...because she had a HORRID relationship with her mom, and I had a good one with mine.
The reality is, if you gather up one hundred women with difficult relationships with their moms, and one hundred women with great relationships with their moms, you would find the same exact percentage of women in each group who are straight, the same percentage that are bi, and the same percentage that are lesbian. I'm just one of the lucky ones. :)
How you perceive your mom's opinion of gay and bisexuals IS going to affect how you process and deal with your sexuality...it is going to determine whether or not you can love and accept yourself as easily, but it is NOT going to make you gay or straight.
