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About Lauren Lopez
Expertise
I feel with great confidence that I would be able to answer any questions related lesbian relationships. In addition I feel that I would be able to address further questions related to the emotional/mental conflicts many lesbians face with the "coming-out" process and with accepting their sexuality. Questions in general that ask for advice circling lesbianism are questions that I feel prepared to answer and assist with in any way possible. Questions that require medical diagnosis, legal advice, or absolute professional counseling I would not be able to answer as I am not a licensed professional in those areas.

Experience
I myself am a lesbian who has gone through numerous amounts of life experiences pertaining to the lesbian life. I have dealt with a troubled "coming-out" process, I have held online debates about lesbianism and rights, and I have mentored friends and other lesbians through online message boards. Granted I am not a licensed professional in any related field, I feel as though my personal experiences as a lesbian and through small mentorships does provide me with adequate ability to potentially help other lesbians like myself. As far as writing in concerned, for purposes of this site, it has always been a passion of mine.

Organizations
I belong to NCLR (National Center for Lesbian Rights). I am also an honorary member for Kiwanis International, which is an unrelated organization but focus on helping to support our communities and youth.

Publications
Up until this point, there are no publication where my writing can be viewed. I am taking this first step with AllExperts in hopes that it will be a good start and even greater experience for me.

Education/Credentials
I am currently working towards a bachelors degree in an unrelated field-Business Administration with an emphasis on small business management and entrepreneurship. However, in my first years of college I studied psychology, in general, with great emphasis and curiousity. I studied human sexuality and focused on theories of homosexuality and same-sex rights. I steered away from psychology however when I relocated and began focusing on business with plans to open my own business someday. Psychology and human sexuality still remain a focus for me, but as more of a hobby now.

Awards and Honors
From Kiwanis International in Torrance, CA I was made an honorary member and awarded a scholarship "for being such an inspiration." My first years in college I was on the Dean's list and welcomed into the Honor Society. In addition I love to write, particularly poetry, and was once nominated for Poet of the Year.

Past/Present Clients
The only past "clients" I have had were friends of mine or strangers I mentored years ago via online message boards. Currently only friends of mine, or friends of friends are people I openly and willingly give advice and support to.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > Confused,please answer soon

Lesbian Life - Confused,please answer soon

Expert: Lauren Lopez - 10/21/2009

Question
Ok, I literally can't believe I'm doing this. Like that I'm online even considering this but it's driving me crazy so here it goes...I'm 21, I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Just to give you some background information- he's also 21, we've been together since we were in high school. I love him to bits. I could literally see myself marrying him and he feels the same. We have a wonderful relationship, fulfilling both emotionally and sexually. I really enjoy every minute I spend with him and there are moments when I'll just look at him and feel like 'this couldn't get any better' and I'll be overcome with love for him. There are also occasionally times when I'll feel a bit disconnected or disinterested (but these are rarer, like maybe once or twice a month. I also sometimes think I am taking the safe option with him.
However, I think there's a chance I might be bi. Even writing that scared me to be honest. I am literally terrified writing this. It just seems like it would have so many repercussions for me to be in a relationship with girls that it scares me. The thoughts of actually getting to have a proper relationship with the girls I'll talk about later really excites and thrills me though. Even if it's scary. I'll tell you why I think I may be bi.
1. I am attracted to girls. I can say this with almost 100% certainty. I know I love kissing, sex...everything with my boyfriend but I see more hot girls than guys. As in when I'm in college and I'll be sitting with my friends and they'll be pointing out all the cute guys they like, I rarely find any of them attractive. I didn't find many guys attractive as a teenager. Sure there were several guys I kissed and thought were cute at various times but only maybe two I really really liked. Since I was around 18 I think I've been attracted to girls. At first it was a vague kind of girl crush thing- and maybe it is just a girl crush thing but it's been getting more intense the last few years. I'm very particular about who I like; it's generally girls I know, pretty, friendly girly girls. I've never fancied a lesbian, but then the only people I know that are lesbians are very (sorry if this is offensive) butch type girls and I find that unattractive. I've had (what I only recently have been able to admit to myself) crushes on a couple of friends in the past, only since I've come to college. I'll give you two examples. One was a friend of mine that I met in one of the college societies and through a mutual friend, we got really close (and still are)and I felt attracted to her, like I'd want to kiss her, But I don't think I'd want to do anything else really. Maybe I'm just curious. I have another really close friend and we've been friends for like three years but only really really close friends for the last couple of months. We're now super close. I've been feeling differently about her for a only a couple of weeks now. I think this is different. With other times it's happened me (and when I think about it now, I've been attracted to or drawn to several girls over the past 7 or 8 years really) it's been starngers that I don't know that I've been drawn to and sometimes then I become friends with them subsequent to the attraction. This is a girl I've been fairly good friends with for years and we've just become like best friends recently (as in over the last few months got closer).

She is boy crazy but has never really had a boyfriend. She talks about boys with a mutual friend constantly. She is attracted to boys. I know this. She also finds girls attractive. At least I think so. Like she said yesterday, "isn't for eg.serena so pretty? She's so hot, I think if she talked to me I'd probably just lob the gob (slang for kiss where i'm from)' I do think there is a small chance she's bi curious at least though i don't think she fully knows it. It seems unlikely but then when I think about it I know for 100% fact that she would never even think I could be bi and yet here I am asking these questions so who really knows? She finds loads of guys hot but it never gets past a kiss-she's never gone further with a guy although she really wants to out of curiosity at the very least.I think I could have a more fulfilling emotional relationship with her than my boyfriend. We totally get each other, I feel like we'd be good together.There I've said it. Like two days ago, she got really upset after a nightclub and called me. I was at a different friends party nearby but I left and went and found her. We had a big heart to heart for an hour and she cried and poured her heart out (something she has NEVER done with anyone outside of her family). We just were so close in that time-I'm not deluded, I know it was in a friendship way. But she told me how much she loved me and felt like I was there for her and I told her the same. I felt like I was really close to kissing her. It shocked me, I know I've admitted to being attracted to girls but to actually almost consider kissing her? Especially when it was a good friend and not just some hot girl in a nightclub dancing near me where I'd think, God I'd love to kiss her. It knocked me for six.

She can be touchy feely too. Like when I first start being friend with her it always struck me how physically affectionate she is. I think this may be just how she is with everyone sometimes but then other times I feel like it's more. Last week she came over after work and we were just hanging out. I was on my laptop finishing off some college stuff and she was sitting on the bed across from me. She started to rub her foot up and down my leg. I liked it even though I was a bit nervous and felt bad for liking it because of my boyfriend in particular. I know it doesn't sound like a big thing but she was doing it for ages, really softly. She also touches my leg a lot when we're talking, like she'll either pat it, or she might rub it (kind of quickly though, just on my thigh and not just in a reassuring way like I might, well I don't think so). Or she'll rub my back or tousle my hair. She's fairly into hugs. I wasn't when I was younger but these days I'd happily hug her, or any of the other girls I've had these crush things on, for hours. There's also the looks. This is the thing I think is most significant. Sometimes there are these looks between us. We'll have these moments,we're smiling at us and there's something in her eyes and I'm pretty sure it's in mine too. I'll geenerally look away after a couple of seconds but there is definitely something in it. It's like an unspoken something. I can't describe it but we'll be just tip toing around flirting when it happens usually. Like I feel like we sometimes flirt when we're talking but never too openly. She stayed in my house last week and we slept in the sme bed; it's a double and it didn't make sense to send her into one of my room mates rooms when we were watching dvds in bed anyway. We were kind of cuddling during the dvd and she had her arm around me. We slept cuddled up to each other, I woke up in the middle of the night spooning and with my arm around her. I took it off because I didn't want to feel like I was putting my arm round her and sleeping cuddled up to her if she didn't want it and maybe she didn't want it and was just because she was asleep. I wanted to hold her all night though. Like it took all my strength to not cuddle her after that.

I love her so much as a friend anyway that I'd hate to mess things up and besides the main thing is I have a boyfriend who I love so much and I'm willing to give up that for the tiny chance she is bi. If she was bi I'm pretty confident that she'd be with me, like if she was ever comfrotable enough to accept and I was, I think we'd be together. She loves me a lot as a friend and I knwo she thinks I'm pretty. Liek before we were talking and I was saying how I thought I looked plain and she just stopped walkjing and with this knowing,loaded kind of tone said my full name and then we shared one of those looks 'you are the furthest thing from plain, god,( breathes loudly then shakes her head) you're beautiful' I know that just sounds like reassurance- all my friends reassure each other about things like that but there was something in her voice. I want to say longing but that's prob a bit of a stretch. Anyways, there was something there.
This is like a theses it's so long- I am sorry, anyway I could do with some advice as soon as possible. I feel like I'm going to crack. These feelings aren't going away. Like even if this friend doesn't end up feeling the same way, or I get over it, I feel like I'm not going to stop being attracted to girls. Sometimes I wish I was single so I could just kiss a girl and maybe get it out of my system or else know for definite.

My younger sister is a lesbian and my family took it really well without exception. So did our neighbours and friends. We're both away in college anyway but I know if I did go hoem and tell them it wouldn't be badly received although they would all be incredibly shocked and peobably find it hard to believe me. My sister is the butch/punk type lesbian,She's in the whole gay scene big time. I never want to be in that scene, she's also involved in gay groups, works in a gay/lesbian bar, has been in gay magazines with her band and is extremely comfortable with her sexuality.I'm just not. I have several guy friends who are gay and they are all involved in lgbt issues and groups. I'm also wondering if all gay people are so involved in the gay community.To be honest, I have no interest in any of that, I just feel like I'm so attracted to these girls and my friend in particular that I can't ignore it or supress it any longer.

Sometimes I fantasize that myself and my friend will go away travelling together and will end up kissing and it could lead to more intimate relationship- as in proper girlfriends. Sometimes I wish I drank alcohol-all of my friends, including this one do, just so I could get drunk, kiss a girl- ideally her or otherwise one of the 2 or 4 other girls (mainly strangers or peopLE i don't know that well) that I fancy around college. I find the thoughts of being with most girls not at all at appealing. In fact in many cases repulsive, but for these few I've fallen for i just think being with them would be the ultimate dream. I could see myself in the future with her. Maybe it'sjust because i find it easier to get closer to girls and I love the sense of closeness that you get in a friendship and want it more but I'M BASICALLY JUST REALLY CONFUSED!
sorry for this long question but I really need help!
thanks so much, you'd be helping me with a problem that I've now had for years if you could answer this, It may seem stupid but even sending this has taken all of my courage. I feel liek I'm betraying my boyfriend but I need to do this, thank you

Answer
Hello Beyond Confused!,

This is a situation many lesbian/bi/or curious girls find themselves in. I cannot say what your sexuality is anymore than you can at this point. However, it does appear that you are at the very least bisexual. These thoughts/feelings/emotions and attractions you have towards women are similar to those of lesbian or bisexual women. There is nothing wrong at all with that, and thus you should not feel ashamed- no one can help who they are attracted to nor whom they love. In addition I just want to point out that you commented how much you love your boyfriend (and I believe that you do), however, did you notice how you said you'd be willing to break up with him in a second if there was a chance the girl you like is bi? You also said that sometimes you had wished you were single to kiss a girl? The only reason I am mentioning this is because although you love your boyfriend very much, you have these uncontrollably strong emotions that appear to you to be more important than your current relationship. You shouldn't limit your happiness, and I'm not saying that you are necessarily doing that right now, I just want to make sure that you know that you deserve to be happy and not limit yourself because you are scared. Perhaps you could at least talk to your boyfriend about your attraction to women if you do not want to leave him. See how he feels, perhaps you just want to explore your sexuality some, but are afraid of losing him. Granted that may come off selfish, but that's a decision you may make on your own. In my opinion, however, you need to do some soul-searching to find out what makes you happy, and go with it. I know that's not as easy as it sounds though. I also think that you should talk to your close friend. I always tell people what I'm about to tell you, but it has always worked for me and it is an easier way to strike up conversation...ask your friend (the girl you are into) how she feels about homosexuality/bisexuality and perhaps same-sex marriages. Ask her if she has ever found a girl attractive before and/or if she thinks she could ever be in a relationship with a girl. See what she says, perhaps it will help you to open up to her and tell her how you feel about everything. Depending on what she says, either during that conversation, or later on, you may confess how you feel to her. If nothing else, I'm sure you will perhaps strengthen the friendship you have with her as now you might have someone close to you that you can talk to things about more often. I know this isn't an extremely detailed answer, but I just want to keep it simple for now. You provided much detail in your question, and I don't want to make the answer too complicated. So take that first step and talk to your friend. If you need further advice, please feel free to come back and ask a follow-up question and I'd be happy to try and assist you further. Just remember, you are normal, you deserve to be happy, and there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. OH and by the way, not all homosexuals are avidly involved in gay/lesbian organizations, so don't worry if you aren't ;). I truly hope this helps you some. Good luck and I hope to hear from you soon! Take care!

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