Expert: Lena Torres - 10/25/2009

Question
Well I'm 18 and my best friend of almost a year now has moved back down to where I live. Before she left we use to hang out, go to the movies, and just talk about anything. Then about 2 months ago she decieded to get away and move. I became very upset and I said some awful mean things to her. She txtd me one day and told me she was comming back. Since then weve really been hanging out alot...she tells me she loves me...our hugs are longer than they should be between friends and so fourth. The other day we were playing twenty questions through a text message and she asked me if i liked her more than being my friend, and i said i use to but i let it go because i didnt know how she felt. I asked her the same question and she said " yeah but i was scaerd so i pushed it away but i like talking to you but im scared idk....?" Tonight i asked her if she still liked me and she txtd what i wrote...sorta kinda. I asked why she was scared and she said that she has commitment issues. I have no clue what to do next. I really love her to death and I want to  be with her but the thing is that shes bi-courious. So could you give me any advice.

Answer
Dear Needing,

Your statement about yourself: "I use to but I let it go because I didnt know how she felt," stands out, more than any other statement in your letter.

Your feelings are your feelings, regardless of what she feels. She was asking how 'You' felt about her? And you answered vaguely (and in past-tense) and threw the ball back in her court.

If she is the one with the commitment issues and you are leaving the rules of the relationship up to her, what does that say about your relationship skills and about the chance that a relationship between the two of you is likely to flourish?

I will ask you point blank: What are your feelings for her? Without her input or feedback, what do you, standing alone, feel? What are you looking for in a partner? What does a committed relationship look like to YOU?

Once you know the answers to these questions, share them openly, no holds barred, with her. Be willing to risk being hurt -- put yourself out there in the interest the partnership. Surrender to something that you truly want. Show her, by example, what being truly committed looks like.

Then, gently guide her toward sharing more of herself with you. Though, I must say that to me, it looks like of the two of you, she certainly seems the more forthcoming with her genuine own feelings.

Communicate ad-nauseam, till you can't take it any more. Be willing to feel the pain that exposing yourself entails in the quest to reach the other side. Without this faithful agreement between you and the concerted follow-up effort, any chance for a connection is doomed.  

In any event, the process may take years and may require skills that you just don't have. Therapy may help speed up and clarify things -- if you're willing.