Expert: Coco M Davis - 10/29/2009

Question
Hi. Back in college I was surprised to find myself having feelings of love for my roommate, I had never been attracted to a woman before. I'm certain she felt the same (she was also straight). We joked around a lot about it amongst our friends without ever really acknowledging it and we never acted on it. I feel I was in love with her. Fast forward 20 years and i'm happily married to a great guy (who is aware of the college friend situation)and we have a bunch of kids. I have a female friend (also married w/kids) who I find myself falling for. Do I tell her and risk losing my friend (she seems pretty straight)? I feel like I want my marriage but I'm missing an intimacy that I could only have with a woman. I do not want to leave my husband or cheat on him. Is a marriage where I have a side relationship with this woman possible? Can she be married to her hubby, me to mine, and the 2 of us have a committed relationship to each other too? All with the 2 husbands in the know and ok? Knowing the hubbys makes me think they might go for it. Am I crazy? My question can be public but please keep my email private.

Answer
Hi.  The simple answer is no, you are not crazy.  And I'm impressed with the maturity and openness you are facing this dilemma with.  Things get complicated when there are multiple people involved and you may have to make some tough choices about what is most important to you and your personal happiness.  I can't tell you what to do, but I can encourage you to continue to think things through and have honest conversations with everyone involved when you think its appropriate.

I would like to suggest some reading material that might help you clarify things.  First of all on the issue of being "straight" vs "gay".  Our society is based around two sexualities and two genders, but humans are more complex than that.  It is not unusual for women in particular to be attracted to different genders at times, and it doesn't mean you have changed your sexual orientation. An excellent book on the subject is "Sexual Fluidity" (http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/diasex.html) which talks about woman and how their attractions move up and down a spectrum over time.  I know in my ideal world we would acknowledge our attractions to people without focussing on gender/sexuality/identity/etc.

There are many people who have open or polyamorous relationships, but as you mentioned it is important that everyone involved agrees to the rules and is happy with the arrangement.  In today's society we are raised that you find your one lifelong partner and have a monogamous relationship with them, but many people don't function like that and its not wrong to feel differently.  Two good books on this topic are Opening Up (http://www.openingup.net/) or The Ethical Slut (http://www.greenerypress.com/es.htm).  

*books are also a great way to get a challenging conversation started

You may also want to see if there is a women's group in your area for lesbian, bi or questioning women.  It's always nice to talk to other women who have shared experiences. Life is complicated but we are never alone in what we're going through.  The great thing is that you are acknowledging your feelings and thinking about what would work for you.  Even if things don't work out with this particular woman, you may be able to bring an openness into your marriage and when the right woman comes along you'll be ready.

I hope that is helpful. If there is something I haven't addressed or if you want to followup, please do.

CMD