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About Lena Torres
Expertise
Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)

Experience
Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.

Organizations
FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.

Education/Credentials
B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.

Awards and Honors
Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > I don't understand myself.

Lesbian Life - I don't understand myself.

Expert: Lena Torres - 10/27/2009

Question
Dear expert,

Really, I'm in need of help. I can't do it alone, I'm out of control. It just happened, and I wasn't even prepared for it. So I want to hear your advice.

Now that's how my story goes:

There is a girl whom I met at my friend's party, she's 21 and I'm 20, she's blond, pale-skinned and she's definitely beautiful, but I'm a little preppy. At the party, I met her gaze and she smiled at me, I felt as if she was looking at me all along that I didn't notice. In such a smile, I got a Deja vu feeling, she seemed strangely attractive. But she was so attractive to boys, too, so I didn't pay much attention to her that night.

Anyway, we got to know each other through our friends. A few weeks after our friendship was born, she started asking me weird questions like -do I have a boyfriend-(which was typical,I know) but she seemed more curious than that. She has tried to be with me all the time. She never said she was busy whenever she heard that I was free, then we hung out together, but not in a dating sense or so I thought.

One night, she gave me a ride back home, she leaned over me, I thought she was going to unbuckle my seat belt as sometimes,(she drives H3, that might explain why I couldn't take of my own seat belt). Instead of doing that, she gave me a light kiss on my lips. I felt her soft, sweet and creamy lips kissing me,
I was so stunned to even move, and I was frozen and melted at the same time. My heart was sort of stop beating for a few long seconds. It shocked me, I thought that if I was standing up, I would have passed out on her!

It felt different from kissing boys. Even both are passionate, gentle and caring, but this one has a new taste, it's pure! She said she loves me so much, she couldn't take her mind off me, it drives her insane just to think about I would reject her. I was speechless.

A few days, I told her we can take our chances, cos' I don't want to lose her too.

I thought I could try to accept the fact that I'm gay, but one night, we were invited by a group of her friends to go to a fancy Gay club, and just for the fun of it, I agreed. It felt kind of weird when we arrived there, cos I never got so involved with such atmosphere, but I was freaking her and myself out! Because almost the whole time I was there, I was laughing and giggling to myself like crazy. And when she asked me "What was so funny?" I said "Nothing". I tried to stop it too, but I still gave in to snickering a few times. Later, I have a horrible thought, that maybe there was something wrong with me or maybe I had a homophobia, I hate that! I don't want to have a homophobia, and I didn't think it was funny to watch gays and lesbians also, in fact, I love them. But I just laughed literally, and I didn't want to people to misinterpret it, I don't want to hurt people's feeling. It happens all the time when I'm around gay people.

Do you think that my weird reaction is insulting? Or am I not totally adapted with it? How could I love my girlfriend-to-be when I always feeling like cracking up all the time? Can it be cured?

I hope you can helps! Please!

Answer
Dear Understand,

You may have a touch of internalized homophobia -- It's possible. A condition that is sure to dissipate in time, as you become more comfortable with yourself and acclimate to being around others who are different from what you are currently used to.

I can't tell you the whole reason why you might have been so tickled. It may be that, at some level, you were overjoyed that you had actually taken this big, courageous step. Perhaps you are one of those people who giggles when you are proud of yourself.

It could be anything.

I don't think your friend could have taken it as an insult.

I think it is really nice that you have allowed yourself the luxury of entertaining the idea that you might be gay.

You just might, be enjoying the company of a woman and you may even fall in love with one. How about that? Congratulations!

Your reaction is normal for this stage in the process. You require no remedy and no cure. You simply need more time to become used to all this new, fancy, fun and yes, overwhelming at times; change.

Sounds like you and your girl are a great match. Your Prescription: Have a wonderful time together!

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