Expert: Coco M Davis - 10/30/2009

Question
Hi Coco,  
   My name is danny and Im struggling to find out whether I truly am bisexual and how to attract a friend that I believe to be straight.  
   I just started college for the 1st time & am away from home and Im trying to find myself. Ive had feelings for females since I was as young as 9 & a few experiences since those times. But my family is very judgemental & no one is openly gay. Im afraid of what they will think because its considered a disgrace to God  & to them. I know many of them would not except me because they are old fashioned & or in the church. I told my closeset cousin and she freaked & questioned whether I was sure. I only have a few friends that know I like women. At times I doubt it myself because Im afraid that it is wrong by my family and god. What to do about my family?
   Im attracted to females but sometimes I dont know if Im just sexually attracted. Im right now battling my feelings of how much Im in love with an ex boyfriend but I feel like everyday I dont want to be in a heterosexual relationship because of my feelings of wanting to be stud. When it comes to women I like them for personality and beauty also but do you think Im just confused..?   
   I really like a person and shes a good friend. It seems shes friendly with everyone and likes a lot of people but I feel we have a strong connection when it comes to life experiences.Although because of my past and involvement with males it would come off that Im straight. I want to tell her I am attracted to her because I think the world of her and I think of her every day. Im scared because I dont want to lose another good friend but I cant help but think about her. Do you think its possible to get her attention?
   I know this is long, but can you help me!

Answer
Danny,

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head and heart, but its definitely all normal stuff.  I'll try to talk about the key things I hear you saying one by one.

You wonder if you are bisexual. I used to wonder if I was really gay, and I read a sentence in a book that said, "straight women don't stay awake at night wondering if they are gay." You don't sound confused to me, you sound like you are honestly acknowledging the different types of attraction you feel.  If you have feelings of any kind for men and women, then I think it is safe to assume you are not 100% straight.  Few people are. Our society is based on two genders and two sexual orientations but the reality is things are way more complex than that.   You can be attracted to people of any gender (male, female, trans, genderqueer, etc) for different reasons at different times and it isn't necessary to classify yourself as straight/gay/bi.  I went to a great talk by Robyn Ochs (http://www.robynochs.com/) author of "Getting Bi" and she had the audience do an exercise where we graphed our attractions on a scale with same sex on one end and other sex on the other end.  We looked at our attractions over time and then she had people move from one side of the room to the other based on their answers to show how their attractions changed over time.  It was fascinating.  I already knew sexuality was fluid, but not how much. Another good book on this topic is "Sexual Fluidity" (http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog/diasex.html).

The influence of religion is a tough thing to deal with.  I grew up in a Christian family, going to Christian school, and I was a firm believer in all of it. But I was also an intelligent, open-minded, accepting person and did not like how much of the religion around me was based on how people appeared rather than how they acted behind closed doors. And I also did not like how judgmental people were, as if they were perfect, and only other people were "sinners".  It took me a long time to walk away from religion and the negative influence I felt it had.  I still have strong morals, but I also know that being gay is not wrong. Since I came out I am happier than I have ever been. It's not easy dealing with family.  Mine is still strongly religious and those beliefs seem more important to them than having a relationship with me, but I felt that if I was always hiding myself from them we wouldn't have a very good relationship anyone so I chose to deal with their disapproval.  There are a lot of affirming churches, and gay Christians so if you are religious and would like to have that be part of your life check into the Unitarian churches in your area or online at http://www.gaychristian.net/

You don't have to figure out your feelings all at once.  Try dating men and women that you are attracted to and you'll figure out what works for you, and remember its ok if those feelings change over time.  I would suggest getting involved with any support groups in your area. See if your town has an LGBT center, or if your college has an LGBT club or discussion group.  It is always helpful to talk with other people who are dealing with similar issues, it helps us feel less alone and feel supported in our experience.

As for getting a girl's attention.  My personal approach is honest conversation.  You could always start by sharing with her that you are exploring your sexuality and see how she responds to that.  You are right, you do risk making things awkward or affecting your friendship, but I believe that if you can't be honest with a friend, they aren't the right kind of friend.  

I hope that is helpful.

CMD