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About Coco M Davis
Expertise
If you are questioning your sexuality and need an anonymous safe place to ask anything about coming out or same-sex experiences, then talk to me. I know when I was coming out I wanted to ask everything from how do I tell my spouse, to how do I ask a woman out. I understand that in some circumstances it can be difficult or impossible to safely ask those questions and anonymous online resources can be invaluable. Areas that really interest me are people with religious backgrounds, people in heterosexual marriages, sexual fluidity, labels and how we use them, but I am open to questions of all kinds.

Experience
I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being straight was the only option ever presented to me. As a result I got married and spent 7 years in a long-term relationship with a man before finally coming out to myself. I came out to my spouse, made several efforts to maintain our marriage but finally got divorced. I managed to preserve my friendship with him, but alienated my family when I came out to them. I have built a strong support group of friends in the LGBTQ community and love talking with them about the wide variety of issues we face, as well as the intricacies of loving women.

Education/Credentials
BA, UC Irvine

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Lesbian Life - i'm married and so is she

Expert: Coco M Davis - 10/20/2009

Question
It's hard to know where to start. I married my husband a few years ago, I love him very much and we moved 2 years ago to a new place. Their is a straight couple living in the house next door to us. The girl and I became quick friends. We would talk after work and blow off steam about our days.
I have never dated a woman but I have always found women to be beautiful. My neighbor is exceptionally beautiful. In learning about each other she told me that she has been in full lesbian relationships. She also mentioned on more then one occasion that she though I was attractive.
She finally married her boyfriend only a few months ago but they are having significant relationship problems. I am happily married to my husband.
We took a girls mini vacation recently and during the drunken trip I confessed that I had a huge crush on her. She said it was going to be hard to sleep in the same bed and keep her hands off me. During the whole trip she was having significant relationship problems with her husband who she loves very much. I care about her too much to complicate her life by making any further advances (or considering what it might do to my own marriage). I want to stay with my husband and also spend some time with her, but that feels like a dream world. I can't stop thinking about her and I just want to go back to being friends, without the tension I feel towards her now. Nothing crossed the line during our trip, but now my crush on her feels out of control. What should I do? She is my neighbor, I'm stuck seeing her every day. If i sit down and talk to her about it I'm afraid that I will bring more drama to her life that she doesn't need. It seems like I should just forget about it because I don't think I'm interested in a full monogamous relationship with her. I just want a really close deep and sometimes physical relationship/friendship.
Ugh. Life is complicated.

Answer
It sounds like you have a lot of things going on. I understand how overwhelming that can be.

First of all, I'm glad you have had the integrity not to cheat on your husband, and that you care enough about your friend not to complicate her relationship further.

A number of things could be happening here, and some people might tell you that you are discovering you are a bi-sexual or a lesbian. I don't think sexuality is that simple to define. Sexuality is fluid, particularly so for women. We can be attracted to people of any gender (and there are more than two) for a variety of reasons during different times in our lives. From the tone of your message you sound like someone who is open to exploring your attractions and I think that's healthy.

But you're right, those crushes can difficult to control. Crushes on women are really intense, confusing, but often short-lived. It's hard to see the line between friendship and physical or emotional attraction. I know I have to remind myself often that just because I meet a woman who I think is fantastic and find attractive it doesn't mean I should date her, and that I can enjoy being friends with her. I find that given some time and open conversation you can gain perspective and the crush will mellow out or disappear.

If your intention is to clear the air so you can go back to being friends, then I think talking to her is the right thing to do. There is already tension, so bringing it up again probably won't make things worse. She may not react with as much maturity if she is having difficulty in her marriage, and I would suggest that if she needs support in that area that you direct her to local counseling or LGBT resources rather than trying to take that responsibility on yourself. It would be difficult for you to remain objective, and might cross the boundaries you are setting with her.

I would like to mention that your desire to maintain your marriage and also see your neighbor on the side is not necessarily a dream world. There are many people who have open or polyamorous relationship, but it is KEY that everyone involved agrees to the rules and is happy with the arrangement. In today's society we are raised that you find your one lifelong partner and have a monogamous relationship with them, but many people don't function like that and its not wrong to feel differently. You may want to read Opening Up (http://www.openingup.net/) or The Ethical Slut (http://www.greenerypress.com/es.htm) for more information. You may also want to see if there is a women's group in your area for lesbian, bi or questioning women. It's always nice to talk to other women who have shared experiences. Life is complicated but we are never alone in what we're going through.

I hope that is helpful, and would love to hear how things turn out.

CMD

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