AboutLauren Lopez Expertise I feel with great confidence that I would be able to answer any questions related lesbian relationships. In addition I feel that I would be able to address further questions related to the emotional/mental conflicts many lesbians face with the "coming-out" process and with accepting their sexuality. Questions in general that ask for advice circling lesbianism are questions that I feel prepared to answer and assist with in any way possible. Questions that require medical diagnosis, legal advice, or absolute professional counseling I would not be able to answer as I am not a licensed professional in those areas.
Experience I myself am a lesbian who has gone through numerous amounts of life experiences pertaining to the lesbian life. I have dealt with a troubled "coming-out" process, I have held online debates about lesbianism and rights, and I have mentored friends and other lesbians through online message boards. Granted I am not a licensed professional in any related field, I feel as though my personal experiences as a lesbian and through small mentorships does provide me with adequate ability to potentially help other lesbians like myself. As far as writing in concerned, for purposes of this site, it has always been a passion of mine.
Organizations I belong to NCLR (National Center for Lesbian Rights). I am also an honorary member for Kiwanis International, which is an unrelated organization but focus on helping to support our communities and youth.
Publications Up until this point, there are no publication where my writing can be viewed. I am taking this first step with AllExperts in hopes that it will be a good start and even greater experience for me.
Education/Credentials I am currently working towards a bachelors degree in an unrelated field-Business Administration with an emphasis on small business management and entrepreneurship. However, in my first years of college I studied psychology, in general, with great emphasis and curiousity. I studied human sexuality and focused on theories of homosexuality and same-sex rights. I steered away from psychology however when I relocated and began focusing on business with plans to open my own business someday. Psychology and human sexuality still remain a focus for me, but as more of a hobby now.
Awards and Honors From Kiwanis International in Torrance, CA I was made an honorary member and awarded a scholarship "for being such an inspiration." My first years in college I was on the Dean's list and welcomed into the Honor Society. In addition I love to write, particularly poetry, and was once nominated for Poet of the Year.
Past/Present Clients The only past "clients" I have had were friends of mine or strangers I mentored years ago via online message boards. Currently only friends of mine, or friends of friends are people I openly and willingly give advice and support to.
My name is Arte, I'm 21,I'm from Greece and I came out almost a year ago. My question is about my ex-girlfriend witch happens to be my first and, I'm afraid, the last. We were dating for almost 2 months, I know that's not called a relationship, but I was really in love with her for 6 years before she came on to me! She is bisexual. At first everything was perfect, she said how much in love she was with me and she actually said she loved me! One day she says "we need to talk" and after a week, she was avoiding me, we finally talked. And she broke up with me saying she loves me but we can't be together and she doesn't wanna lose me as a friend and that she likes to have sex with women but can't be in a relationship with one. It broke me down and after 3 months it still hurts. We're hanging out now and I'm trying to accept the fact that she has a boyfriend. Well not actually a boyfriend, more like a guy who... you know... she %26*%$!!!(Sorry about that). I told her that I still love her. And I told her it hurts when she talks about him but she does!
I'm really in love with her and can't forget her even though there's something going on with another girl. My problem is that I wanna do something with that girl but when my ex calls I forget all about it and I find my self stuck in a dead-end. Why is she doing that and then talk to me like nothing has changed?!!!
Will I ever be able to go on? And should I keep trying to make her love me again? Is that possible? I'm really stuck here. So stuck that sometimes I think that I won't be able to love nobody else and eventually, I'll be alone. I know you'll say I'm still young and time will cure everything but every time I think about her it hurts.
Please I need some closure that I can't find on my own!
Thanx for listening!
Answer Hello Arte,
Well you are right that I will tell you that you are only 21, and that you are young. The only reason I bring that up is because you said you were afraid that your ex would be your first and your last, and I doubt that. If that was the case, that would be a sad story, but I forecast a happier ending in your future =). However, I'm not going to say that time is going to cure everything, because in this case, time alone is not the solution although it is part of it. Unfortunately it sounds as though your ex was confused at the time she got in a relationship with you. She cared about you so much as a friend, and perhaps wanted to at least give it a try, but later on discovered that she may not feel the same about women as she does men. Now, is that your fault? Absolutely not. However, is there anything you can do about it to make her love you as more than a friend, sadly no. If your ex is straight, which it sounds as though she may be, even if she wanted to love you as more than a friend, she won't be able to. You cannot make a straight man gay, anymore than you can make a gay man straight. No matter how hard anyone tries, we cannot help who we are immediately attracted to - it just is. Your ex is probably talking about this new guy with you because she feels so close to you as a friend that she feels comfortable talking to you about it all. She probably just wants to go back to having the same friendship the two of you had before and doesn't want anything to be weird. However, what she may not realize is how much it hurts you and how much you still care for her. The best thing for you to do in this situation is to talk to her and to tell her that it hurts you. Tell her that you are sorry, and that you want to be that great friend to her, but that right now it is too hard for you because you still have such strong feelings for her. Tell her that you will need a good amount of time before you are ready to talk to her as nothing more than a friend. You may even need to stop talking to her for awhile, as hard as I know that is going to be. The more you talk to her, the more you are going to allow your feelings to hang on to her. At some point though, you are going to have to let your feelings for her go for your sake. How do you do that? By either limiting your talking to her, or by not talking to her for awhile until you feel confident that you have moved on from her and found happiness within yourself. You mentioned that you were talking to another girl. Well, in my opinion you should focus on this other girl and pursue that. This other girl deserves a fair shot and obviously some part of your is interested in her and getting to know more about her. So put all of your focuses on this other girl. Get to know her more, spend your time and thoughts on her. It will not be easy by any means to forget about your ex, but she is straight and you have to acknowledge that. You don't want her to be unhappy anymore than you don't want to be unhappy. If you need to, say it aloud to yourself a few times until it becomes easy and until you believe it. Say "She is straight, and I want her to be happy because she is my friend. She wouldn't be happy with me, because she is straight. I want her to be happy." Say it over and over again if you need to until you can say it honestly and believe it. Until it no longer bothers you. You also need to say aloud "I deserve to be happy. I need to move on so that I can be happy." Realize that once you move on and find happiness for yourself in someone else who is attracted to women, you may once again be able to have that good friendship, and nothing more with your ex. I really, and truly hope this advice can help you in some way. If you need to come back and ask more advice or a follow up question feel free to do so. Good luck and take care. Remember, happiness!
