	AllExperts > Lesbian Life
	Search

About Coco M Davis
Expertise
If you are questioning your sexuality and need an anonymous safe place to ask anything about coming out or same-sex experiences, then talk to me. I know when I was coming out I wanted to ask everything from how do I tell my spouse, to how do I ask a woman out. I understand that in some circumstances it can be difficult or impossible to safely ask those questions and anonymous online resources can be invaluable. Areas that really interest me are people with religious backgrounds, people in heterosexual marriages, sexual fluidity, labels and how we use them, but I am open to questions of all kinds.

Experience
I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being straight was the only option ever presented to me. As a result I got married and spent 7 years in a long-term relationship with a man before finally coming out to myself. I came out to my spouse, made several efforts to maintain our marriage but finally got divorced. I managed to preserve my friendship with him, but alienated my family when I came out to them. I have built a strong support group of friends in the LGBTQ community and love talking with them about the wide variety of issues we face, as well as the intricacies of loving women.

Education/Credentials
BA, UC Irvine

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > I think my lesbian friend likes me

Lesbian Life - I think my lesbian friend likes me

Expert: Coco M Davis - 10/27/2009

Question
I strongly suspect that my friend, Justina*, is a lesbian. Her mom thinks that she is and she never likes a guy seriously. She's a strong supporter of gay marriage. Well I've known Justina since we were 8. Now she's 16 and I'm 15. I'm straight. Justina keeps telling me that she loves me and touches me all the time. Occasionally she'll look at me and whisper, "You're so beautiful." She hugs me a lot and is always playing with my hair or jewelry. She hates my boyfriend, Todd* (who she's never met) and is always telling me I should dump him. She can't give any reasons she doesn't like him. When I asked, she said "i dunno, i just dont like him, the same way i didnt like john*" John was a guy our mutual (female) friend Candice* liked. Justina got mad at Candace for liking John, and she always seems to dislike the guys her female friends like. She's never had a date with a guy, but went with Candice to a dance. I'm pretty sure Candice is straight, though. Justina is my best friend and I don't want to make it awkward between us. But I'm 100% hetero and I don't want to lead her on. Help!
~Norma*
*all names changed

Answer
I believe in open, honest conversations, and it sounds like you should have one with Justina. It sounds like you may be uncomfortable with how she acts towards you, and you might want to think about why that is. Does she touch you in ways that feel inappropriate, or that are different from how other straight friends touch you (like playing with your hair etc)? Or do you just notice it more because you think she's a lesbian? If it does make you uncomfortable, rather than let it continue in a way that will ruin your friendship you should talk to her about it. She knows you are straight so you don't need to worry about "leading her on", but you should set boundaries so your friendship doesn't get ruined.

You can do it in a way that helps her as well. Put yourself in her shoes. She may not feel she can say anything about the feelings she's experiencing, whether she is actually attracted to you or just girls in general. You have a chance to be a really good friend by asking her if she thinks she's a lesbian and letting her know that you're ok with that. Then you can tell her that since you're straight you will only ever be friends. It could also be the case that she gets mad when you talk about the boys you like, because she doesn't feel like she has the same freedom to talk about the people she likes. That could improve if she can be honest with you about who she's attracted too.

It can be tough to talk about something so personal, and she might not be gay, or feel comfortable telling you at first even if you ask her directly. If that happens, you can let her know that you will be her friend either way, and that will make a big difference to her. Being gay or lesbian in high school can really be scary and I bet Justina would appreciate knowing she has a good friend who supports her.

I hope that helps,
CMD

Add to this Answer Ask a Question