AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question QUESTION: Ok, I literally can't believe I'm doing this. Like that I'm online even considering this but it's driving me crazy so here it goes...I'm 21, I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Just to give you some background information- he's also 21, we've been together since we were in high school. I love him to bits. I could literally see myself marrying him and he feels the same. We have a wonderful relationship, fulfilling both emotionally and sexually. I really enjoy every minute I spend with him and there are moments when I'll just look at him and feel like 'this couldn't get any better' and I'll be overcome with love for him. There are also occasionally times when I'll feel a bit disconnected or disinterested (but these are rarer, like maybe once or twice a month. I also sometimes think I am taking the safe option with him.
However, I think there's a chance I might be bi. Even writing that scared me to be honest. I am literally terrified writing this. It just seems like it would have so many repercussions for me to be in a relationship with girls that it scares me. The thoughts of actually getting to have a proper relationship with the girls I'll talk about later really excites and thrills me though. Even if it's scary. I'll tell you why I think I may be bi.
1. I am attracted to girls. I can say this with almost 100% certainty. I know I love kissing, sex...everything with my boyfriend but I see more hot girls than guys. As in when I'm in college and I'll be sitting with my friends and they'll be pointing out all the cute guys they like, I rarely find any of them attractive. I didn't find many guys attractive as a teenager. Sure there were several guys I kissed and thought were cute at various times but only maybe two I really really liked. Since I was around 18 I think I've been attracted to girls. At first it was a vague kind of girl crush thing- and maybe it is just a girl crush thing but it's been getting more intense the last few years. I'm very particular about who I like; it's generally girls I know, pretty, friendly girly girls. I've never fancied a lesbian, but then the only people I know that are lesbians are very (sorry if this is offensive) butch type girls and I find that unattractive. I've had (what I only recently have been able to admit to myself) crushes on a couple of friends in the past, only since I've come to college. I'll give you two examples. One was a friend of mine that I met in one of the college societies and through a mutual friend, we got really close (and still are)and I felt attracted to her, like I'd want to kiss her, But I don't think I'd want to do anything else really. Maybe I'm just curious. I have another really close friend and we've been friends for like three years but only really really close friends for the last couple of months. We're now super close. I've been feeling differently about her for a only a couple of weeks now. I think this is different. With other times it's happened me (and when I think about it now, I've been attracted to or drawn to several girls over the past 7 or 8 years really) it's been starngers that I don't know that I've been drawn to and sometimes then I become friends with them subsequent to the attraction. This is a girl I've been fairly good friends with for years and we've just become like best friends recently (as in over the last few months got closer).
She is boy crazy but has never really had a boyfriend. She talks about boys with a mutual friend constantly. She is attracted to boys. I know this. She also finds girls attractive. At least I think so. Like she said yesterday, "isn't for eg.serena so pretty? She's so hot, I think if she talked to me I'd probably just lob the gob (slang for kiss where i'm from)' I do think there is a small chance she's bi curious at least though i don't think she fully knows it. It seems unlikely but then when I think about it I know for 100% fact that she would never even think I could be bi and yet here I am asking these questions so who really knows? She finds loads of guys hot but it never gets past a kiss-she's never gone further with a guy although she really wants to out of curiosity at the very least.I think I could have a more fulfilling emotional relationship with her than my boyfriend. We totally get each other, I feel like we'd be good together.There I've said it. Like two days ago, she got really upset after a nightclub and called me. I was at a different friends party nearby but I left and went and found her. We had a big heart to heart for an hour and she cried and poured her heart out (something she has NEVER done with anyone outside of her family). We just were so close in that time-I'm not deluded, I know it was in a friendship way. But she told me how much she loved me and felt like I was there for her and I told her the same. I felt like I was really close to kissing her. It shocked me, I know I've admitted to being attracted to girls but to actually almost consider kissing her? Especially when it was a good friend and not just some hot girl in a nightclub dancing near me where I'd think, God I'd love to kiss her. It knocked me for six.
She can be touchy feely too. Like when I first start being friend with her it always struck me how physically affectionate she is. I think this may be just how she is with everyone sometimes but then other times I feel like it's more. Last week she came over after work and we were just hanging out. I was on my laptop finishing off some college stuff and she was sitting on the bed across from me. She started to rub her foot up and down my leg. I liked it even though I was a bit nervous and felt bad for liking it because of my boyfriend in particular. I know it doesn't sound like a big thing but she was doing it for ages, really softly. She also touches my leg a lot when we're talking, like she'll either pat it, or she might rub it (kind of quickly though, just on my thigh and not just in a reassuring way like I might, well I don't think so). Or she'll rub my back or tousle my hair. She's fairly into hugs. I wasn't when I was younger but these days I'd happily hug her, or any of the other girls I've had these crush things on, for hours. There's also the looks. This is the thing I think is most significant. Sometimes there are these looks between us. We'll have these moments,we're smiling at us and there's something in her eyes and I'm pretty sure it's in mine too. I'll geenerally look away after a couple of seconds but there is definitely something in it. It's like an unspoken something. I can't describe it but we'll be just tip toing around flirting when it happens usually. Like I feel like we sometimes flirt when we're talking but never too openly. She stayed in my house last week and we slept in the sme bed; it's a double and it didn't make sense to send her into one of my room mates rooms when we were watching dvds in bed anyway. We were kind of cuddling during the dvd and she had her arm around me. We slept cuddled up to each other, I woke up in the middle of the night spooning and with my arm around her. I took it off because I didn't want to feel like I was putting my arm round her and sleeping cuddled up to her if she didn't want it and maybe she didn't want it and was just because she was asleep. I wanted to hold her all night though. Like it took all my strength to not cuddle her after that.
I love her so much as a friend anyway that I'd hate to mess things up and besides the main thing is I have a boyfriend who I love so much and I'm willing to give up that for the tiny chance she is bi. If she was bi I'm pretty confident that she'd be with me, like if she was ever comfrotable enough to accept and I was, I think we'd be together. She loves me a lot as a friend and I knwo she thinks I'm pretty. Liek before we were talking and I was saying how I thought I looked plain and she just stopped walkjing and with this knowing,loaded kind of tone said my full name and then we shared one of those looks 'you are the furthest thing from plain, god,( breathes loudly then shakes her head) you're beautiful' I know that just sounds like reassurance- all my friends reassure each other about things like that but there was something in her voice. I want to say longing but that's prob a bit of a stretch. Anyways, there was something there.
This is like a theses it's so long- I am sorry, anyway I could do with some advice as soon as possible. I feel like I'm going to crack. These feelings aren't going away. Like even if this friend doesn't end up feeling the same way, or I get over it, I feel like I'm not going to stop being attracted to girls. Sometimes I wish I was single so I could just kiss a girl and maybe get it out of my system or else know for definite.
My younger sister is a lesbian and my family took it really well without exception. So did our neighbours and friends. We're both away in college anyway but I know if I did go hoem and tell them it wouldn't be badly received although they would all be incredibly shocked and peobably find it hard to believe me. My sister is the butch/punk type lesbian,She's in the whole gay scene big time. I never want to be in that scene, she's also involved in gay groups, works in a gay/lesbian bar, has been in gay magazines with her band and is extremely comfortable with her sexuality.I'm just not. I have several guy friends who are gay and they are all involved in lgbt issues and groups. I'm also wondering if all gay people are so involved in the gay community.To be honest, I have no interest in any of that, I just feel like I'm so attracted to these girls and my friend in particular that I can't ignore it or supress it any longer.
Sometimes I fantasize that myself and my friend will go away travelling together and will end up kissing and it could lead to more intimate relationship- as in proper girlfriends. Sometimes I wish I drank alcohol-all of my friends, including this one do, just so I could get drunk, kiss a girl- ideally her or otherwise one of the 2 or 4 other girls (mainly strangers or peopLE i don't know that well) that I fancy around college. I find the thoughts of being with most girls not at all at appealing. In fact in many cases repulsive, but for these few I've fallen for i just think being with them would be the ultimate dream. I could see myself in the future with her. Maybe it'sjust because i find it easier to get closer to girls and I love the sense of closeness that you get in a friendship and want it more but I'M BASICALLY JUST REALLY CONFUSED!
sorry for this long question but I really need help!
thanks so much, you'd be helping me with a problem that I've now had for years if you could answer this, It may seem stupid but even sending this has taken all of my courage. I feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend but I need to do this,
thank you
ANSWER: Dear DoYou,
Nobody, but nobody can ever tell you how you identify or should identify, sexually. It is entirely up to you to find out for yourself. And almost as importantly, kissing a girl or being intimate with a girl, is not going to help you any more than allowing yourself to feel those feelings (on your own).
I see one mayor impediment toward greater clarity in your case and that is, 'fear' -- Whatever you are 'fearing' so much that makes you write: "I am literally terrified writing this. It just seems like it would have so many repercussions for me to be in a relationship with girls," must be overcome.
As for your boyfriend, work toward being honest with him. He deserves the opportunity to choose for himself, what would be best for him. Therefore, if you love him, you owe him honesty about the fact that you are currently 'questioning' yourself. That's one thing you are, by the way is, at the 'questioning' stage. I personally, consider labels to be more for the benefit of other people, than for ourselves. You do not have to pick a label or a partner, just yet.
The direction of your life is something that is entirely up to you to select and fulfill. You are the master of your own destiny. The fact that your sister and other gays and lesbians are political or involved in certain activities, does not mean that you have to be. At any rate, whether you move in that direction or not, is not something you must decide right away. Feel your feelings, know what they are, allow yourself to be inwardly-directed, swayed in the direction of what makes you happy, what makes you feel good and nothing more. You will make others happiest, by making sure 'you' are happy first and foremost.
You enjoy closeness with your boyfriend, you love him, but you may not yet have experienced a greater, deeper love or know that such a thing can exist. Your boyfriend may make you as happy as you can possibly be or simply as content as someone who knows nothing beyond that, is willing to settle for. You may very well be straight. That is not for me to say.
Whatever you do, take the time to know for sure or at minimum, with 51% certainty. Life-altering steps like commitment or marriage, are not to be taken lightly. Many a woman has wed (seemingly, the right thing to do) had children, bought a home, only to discover too late in life, that she has taken the wrong path. By the time some women allow themselves to accept who they really are, too many people would get hurt if the truth were revealed and hence many live in misery, only to protect the feelings of others and keep a family together.
Strive toward living authentically.
Seek-out some coming out groups in your area or on-line. This will help you not to feel isolated in your situation. There is lots to learn from those who have been there before us. If your boyfriend is worth keeping, he will understand that this is an important step in your self-discovery and if he wants to remain in your life, he will.
I enjoyed your letter. Your writing is thoroughly descriptive.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks so much for your answer; I really appreciate that you took the time to go through my letter and write such a good, detailed answer. There were a couple of points that clarified some things for me too. Just a couple of follow ups if that's ok? You said at the start of your answer that kissing a girl wouldn't help me know. I've always thought that if I just kissed a girl I'd know. It sounds stupid to me now, but I imgained a movie-esque type of seminal moment where my true feelings would become apparent to me and it would either click into place that I was bi or I'd realise there was nothing to it but a natural curiosity and I'd gotten it out of my system so to speak. I think if it 'fit' I'd accept it and be with the girl. Anyway, the main reason I was asking for a follow up is because I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the girl I mentioned? My friend? My boyfriend was due to come up to visit me in college tonght (he comes up twice a week because he lives in our home county an hour and a half away while I'm away at college) and I feel like asking him not to come up because I'm so confused that I feel like I don't know what to say to him. My friend that I've the crush on was talking about coming over too so we can talk about some other stuff-mutual friend stuff and stuff about me feeling like I'm taking the safe option with my boyfriend and maybe considering a break so I can get my head straight- she doen't know anything about my feelings for her or any other girl (no-one except you does). Anyway I was just wondering if you thought that was a bad idea ? Also what do you think of the whole friend thing in general? Like do you think I'm crazy for even thinking something could happen based on the few examples I gave you?
Thanks again,
Confused!
Answer Dear DoYou,
No, I don't think you're crazy for thinking something could happen between you just based on the examples you've given me. I've certainly seen a lot more happen, born of much lesser signs or signals.
To add to my previous answer, don't base your entire sexuality on what happens or doesn't happen with just one person. In the words of Dr. Phil: "Don't hitch your wagon to her star." What if you are with a girl and she's the wrong girl for you or you hate how it feels being with that one person? Does that mean you are not bi? Of course it doesn't mean that. You are with your boyfriend and you like it, yet it has not convinced you that you are straight.
It does sound like you and your friend are moving into something that's built primarily from the chemistry between you. Chemistry, however, does not a relationship make. You may find that you, as a couple, do not work-out well, after all. Hopefully it will be great, but if I were to caution you about anything, it would be that once a relationship gets started, it will place the friendship (the very foundation of what you have) at risk. Communication, openness and honesty are key to maintaining the bond between you.
If you do not feel the time is right to tell your boyfriend now, about your sexual ambiguity, by all means wait until you have gathered the right words. But keep in mind that it is a lot kinder to tell him before anything happens, rather than after. If you want to preserve at least civility or friendship between you, treading gently around his feelings now, will be much more appreciated in the end.
Besides, personally, as a woman entering a relationship, I would trust someone much more, who has opted to be kind to someone else, when ending a relationship, than I would trust someone who chooses to protect herself from the discomfort of telling the truth.
Lastly, no need to try and tell him any more than you yourself know at this moment. The general consensus on coming out (to anybody) seems to be, "be certain about your truth and stand behind it no matter what, ready to defend it with all your might, till the end."
This means, that if you say for example: "I am having strong feelings for my friend and would like to kiss her. I think I would like it if something were to develop between us," don't then go and create confusion by saying, 'but I don't know, I'm not sure, I probably won't like it.' Tell him only what you know and then stand your ground firmly! Be prepared for questions and be armed with the genuine answer, from your heart.
The great thing about... "being yourself, is that no one can tell you you're doing it wrong." This is from a James Leo Herlihy quote.
