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About Coco M Davis
Expertise
If you are questioning your sexuality and need an anonymous safe place to ask anything about coming out or same-sex experiences, then talk to me. I know when I was coming out I wanted to ask everything from how do I tell my spouse, to how do I ask a woman out. I understand that in some circumstances it can be difficult or impossible to safely ask those questions and anonymous online resources can be invaluable. Areas that really interest me are people with religious backgrounds, people in heterosexual marriages, sexual fluidity, labels and how we use them, but I am open to questions of all kinds.

Experience
I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being straight was the only option ever presented to me. As a result I got married and spent 7 years in a long-term relationship with a man before finally coming out to myself. I came out to my spouse, made several efforts to maintain our marriage but finally got divorced. I managed to preserve my friendship with him, but alienated my family when I came out to them. I have built a strong support group of friends in the LGBTQ community and love talking with them about the wide variety of issues we face, as well as the intricacies of loving women.

Education/Credentials
BA, UC Irvine

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > Girlfriend wants to be top

Lesbian Life - Girlfriend wants to be top

Expert: Coco M Davis - 11/1/2009

Question
Hello,

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years and we are getting married on our 5th anniversary next June.

Neither of us are what you would outwardly call femme. We are both natural tops in bed but try and be versatile together or take turns being top. From time to time it has caused an issue in the bedroom, but we are generally ok.

I realized recently though that we were not having sex as often as we used to. It has fallen to once a month. We had both become lazy and complacent so we decided to both get off the sofa and make intimate time. However, I found all my advances were being rejected. I confronted her about it and after some pushing she confessed that she is finding it hard to get intimate with me because she has been a 'top' all her life (she is 46) and she sees it as an extension of her identity, and feels redundant in bed without 'playing her role' so to speak.

I however dont get as turned on being a bottom but dont mind us both being 'active'. What do I do? I dont want to go into our marriage with this problem.

From - worried london girl

Answer
Dear Worried,

You are smart to want to resolve these issues before getting married. Without knowing either of you I can only read between the lines and point out what I see. First of all, most relationships suffer sexually over time because we do get comfortable and complacent. If both partners are ok with that, then it doesn't have to be a big deal. But if either of you sees it as a problem (and not just because your "supposed" to be having a certain amount of sex to be "normal"), then there might be deeper issues at play.

It concerns me that your partner sees being a top as her role or identity in bed. It is important for partners to be honest about what they enjoy most. Sex can be an indicator of our intimacy levels in a relationship. So when someone's identity becomes wrapped up in a certain role I think that is a red flag that there are some emotional issues to be dealt with.

It is also natural that when a couple takes a big step in a relationship such as marriage, moving in, buying a house together, having children, we subconsciously re-assess our level of commitment. For example I was married for 5 years, and in that 5th year we bought a house together. Internally I realized that this was a deeper level of commitment and that was when I finally realized I needed to come out rather than stay stuck somewhere I didn't want to be. I'm not suggesting that anything that drastic is happening in your relationship, but that you should each pay attention to changes in your actions and feelings and spend some time figuring out what is going on for you as you approach marriage.

It is great that you have talked about things, and I would encourage you to do more of that. If it is too difficult to be truly honest just between the two of you, then you might want to see a therapist who can more easily ask challenging questions.

I hope that is helpful.
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