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About Coco M Davis
Expertise
If you are questioning your sexuality and need an anonymous safe place to ask anything about coming out or same-sex experiences, then talk to me. I know when I was coming out I wanted to ask everything from how do I tell my spouse, to how do I ask a woman out. I understand that in some circumstances it can be difficult or impossible to safely ask those questions and anonymous online resources can be invaluable. Areas that really interest me are people with religious backgrounds, people in heterosexual marriages, sexual fluidity, labels and how we use them, but I am open to questions of all kinds.

Experience
I grew up in a conservative Christian home where being straight was the only option ever presented to me. As a result I got married and spent 7 years in a long-term relationship with a man before finally coming out to myself. I came out to my spouse, made several efforts to maintain our marriage but finally got divorced. I managed to preserve my friendship with him, but alienated my family when I came out to them. I have built a strong support group of friends in the LGBTQ community and love talking with them about the wide variety of issues we face, as well as the intricacies of loving women.

Education/Credentials
BA, UC Irvine

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Gay/Lesbian Issues > Lesbian Life > New relationship anxiety

Lesbian Life - New relationship anxiety

Expert: Coco M Davis - 11/3/2009

Question
Hi, I come from a very religious background and within the past few months I have started coming out to important people in my life. This has been very stressful but I've found a lot of inner strength to face this as well as making a lot of friends in the GLBT community which has been helpful.

I haven't been looking for a relationship but lately I have met someone who I have a lot of chemistry with and really like a lot. We've been talking quite a bit and have kissed a few times and while we haven't officially talked about dating yet it is obviously heading that direction. This will be my first real relationship as before I've only had ones where I've been trying to be straight and so I've never experienced being with someone when the attraction is mutual.

The strange thing is I am feeling really anxious and confused about everything. I'm either feeling insecure that she doesn't really like me or else insecure that I don't really like her.

When I'm with her it feels fantastic and natural but afterwards I find myself questioning everything. I'm obviously not feeling very confident about dating and so far she has initiated a lot such as kissing and asking me out. I know that is what I want as well I just get too scared. For example when we're sat on the sofa together I'd love to put my arm around her but I just get too afraid. I know a lot of my thoughts are totally irrational I've even found myself questioning whether I'm even a lesbian which is ridiculous because when I've been with guys I'd be trying to escape from the sofa and avoid kissing them but with her its the opposite.

Other times I feel suffocated. Things are moving at a perfect speed and I know this but sometimes when she's wanting to meet up I get freaked out even though that's what I want as well.

I know I like her so why am I acting so stupid about it? I wish I could just tell myself to get over it but at the same time the anxiety feels very real and my questions, however ridiculous, are scaring me. I really like this girl and I know deep down I do want a relationship with her so any advice you can give me on why I might be feeling this way and how I can get over it would be really appreciated. Thanks.

Answer
HI there and welcome to being an adolescent all over again. Except this time you're really feeling the chemistry so its gonna be even more intense. I don't know your age, but it doesn't really matter that much. What you're going through is perfectly normal, when you come out you are expected to experience a second adolescence. I came out at age 36, and I'm a fairly confident woman with some good life experience under my belt. And yet I found myself on that couch too wondering if it was ok if I put my arm around someone or kissed them, or if they wanted me too, or maybe I really liked her as a very good friend??? It was way worse than being in high school, but way better in other ways.

It's good that you recognize your attractions, it is great that you are coming out more and enjoying the excitement of a budding relationship. It's also good that you can look at all that questioning going on in your head, and question the sanity of it. My simple advice is don't live in your head too much. It's easy to talk ourselves in or out of anything, and we can drive ourselves crazy by considering all the options. Take some time to go with your instincts and allow yourself to make some mistakes, or at least not get everything perfect.

You can also be honest and talk about your feelings. Most of the women I dated while coming out were long-time lesbians. They understood that I was experiencing all sorts of new feelings, and that I was nervous about new things (like having sex with a woman!). Woman are a lot easier to talk to about these things and can be really helpful and supportive.

You are making friends in the community and learning to be true to yourself. It sounds like you are headed down the right path, so give yourself a break. You can do this!

I hope that is helpful,
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