Expert: Lena Torres - 11/2/2009

Question
A girl and I have been friends for a few years and we have always had a flirty relationship. We have crossed that line once but haven't since. I've liked her from the beginning and she's aware of this but has told me that she isn't interested because there is no sexual tension between us. Recently, however, things have gotten deeper and I have been more flirty than usual with her, she flirts back and she hasn't seemed to mind. She sends clear signals and has let me know that she does in fact flirt with me and would be open to dating a woman. When hanging out it's normally just us and when we do spend time together it's for long periods of time. I have asked her to stay the night and she said 'We'll get there.' Everything seemed to be going well. but because of Med school and work we haven't talked much recently. She finally e-mailed me saying that she can't do this anymore, that I haven't done anything wrong but she's not the type of friend I need. I'm really confused. By her actions I felt she might have been into me but was confused or unsure. Do you think she was interested and does it sound like she really wants to end our friendship? I'm not sure whether to back off completely or to give space but keep in touch occasionally to let her know I'm here.

Thanks so much!

Answer
Dear Next,

She has spoken, when she said: "she can't do this anymore..  I (you) haven't done anything wrong but she's not the type of friend I (you)need." Assume she has made up her mind. You have no choice but to take her word for it and respect her boundaries.

If you are thinking, yeah but, she changes her mind every week. You hit the nail on the head when you say, she is confused, no doubt about it. If she has set a boundary that you do not follow or if you persist in offering your presence as her friend, she may grow to resent you for that.

The 'questioning' phase of coming-out, is tricky. A person undergoing this, often confusing process, must be allowed her space in order to decide for herself what she truly wants and doesn't want.

Since she appears unable to choose hot or cold at the moment, and then stick with it, you must create closure for yourself. You must not allow yourself to be dragged along endlessly, on the rollercoaster that is her indecision.

The only thing that will bring you lasting peace with this, is to take charge of your own destiny. In the end, you will feel relieved for having only 'you' to look after and you will be proud that between the two of you, you have chosen you.