AboutKay Experience I am 26-yrs. old with a B.A. in psychology. But more importantly, I know what it's like to grow up not understanding why you feel the way that you do. I slept with men in the past simply because I believed it was "the right thing to do". I would like to reach out to others like me - to help them accept themselves, and feel comfortable around their family and friends if they decide to come out of the closet.
I've had homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder for a year now. I have had my ups and downs. I know that since birth Ive only ever loved men, thought about, fantasized about men. I feel like im forcing myself to fantasize about women to know if im gay (when i know Im not.) my only problem is that I like to masturbate to women stripping, someone said that Im a closeted bi, but if i really was a closeted bi wouldnt I have crushes on women and feel actual feelings for them? I only see them as friends (unless Im over analyzing and asking myself stupid questions and feeling anxious and weird around em b/c of my ocd - typical symptoms.) this one person said, no your just hiding your bisexuality, and I dont know what to think, just because I think women are aesthetically prettier, better to look at, and like teh female essence makes me bi? I have no desire to kiss them, touch them, or anything like that, even if I force myself to say 'no I do want this,' I just am like 'ew, gross,' about it. I don't think its me, I dont think its my lifestyle, nor do I see myself dating a girl or touching one, I just like to look at them and masturbate on occasion to them (when I get bored of guys.) I know girls who think girls bodies are more sexual than men's, I mean that's how God made us, we are curvy and beautiful. I admire and enjoy femininity but I want to BE with a man and form a love and bond with a man. Im attracted to men, muscular men, and love hard penis (that makes me orgasm) but so does looking at big fake boobs (I just dont want to touch them, just look.) What is this?
ANSWER: Hi Rani,
I never heard of HOCD but your clearly not gay. You can't use your masturbation methods to describe what you possibly are. We masturbate and watch porn for pleasure, in absence of the real deal. Anything goes. Which is why someone people watch the craziest stuff or "get off" to it.
Now out side of masturbation if you told me that you were physically attracted to females it would be different. Plus you clearly stated your wants and desires in this email.
No your views on women does NOT make you bi because if that was the case, alot of heterosexual women would be call Lesbians.
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QUESTION: Thank you.
What does it mean to be physically attracted to women? I must say I am attracted to them physically, their bodies are gorgeous and extremely sexy, but do I want to touch a girl? no way, and then I ask myself if i dont want to touch one b/c im in the closet? or if i really dont wanna touch one. (see the obsessing) truth be told, I KNOW I want to touch a man (but is that because thats the norm?) I mean what makes you want to touch a woman? That's apart from porn? I mean if you can get off to porn doesnt that mean that your attradcted to women? I just cant distinguish between the two or see the difference. I also understnad that I dont want to be with a woman but why? if I can masturbate to one then why don't I want to be with one? You can say its fantasy, but isnt' fantasy what we subconsciously want in reality? and yet, i do not want it at all becaus it freaks me out and makes me feel uncomfortable. Its all so strange to me and unfamiliar. thanks
ANSWER: Hi,
I totally understand where you are coming from but if you put too much thought into this, you are going to go CRAZY. If you were to ask me these questions, I would respond: I have tried dating men and never enjoyed sex. I had enough male sexual partners to know what I like. There was a time when I was messing with men to "fit it" and to not make my self gay but that was foolish and I was only hurting myself. When I started messing with women it was natural and felt right. My body knew how to respond and I was able to orgasm. To be honest with you, I DO NOT like Lesbian porn. I love heterosexual porn...there fore I couldn't masturbate to two women having sex. I never tried it but I had the urge. So everybody is different.
Sometimes a fantasy is meant to be a fantasy. Something that you do once in a lifetime and not something that you do all the time. Everyone has different views on this. So, its really up to the individual.
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QUESTION: There were many men I hooked up with (Ive never had sex) but have had oral and everythign else. I discovered orgasming on my own (through masturbation, by watching a girl masturbate/porn.) I never enjoyed doing things to men (I didn't care nor appreciate penis) until my ex bf who taught me how to love his body, however, it took longer for me to orgasm with him than on my own, and my orgasms were harder to do, like I needed to focus on some part of his body (i.e. abs, or watching him) to orgasm. Him going down on me never felt comfortable to me. And I rarely enjoyed giving him oral, what is that about? I can orgasm so much quicker wwatching a girl strip or watching a man strip tease than orgasm with my own bf (but my heart would beat fast just from one kiss, I would want him to touch me all over, and it felt right and so comfortable, I still want and desire a mans touch.) Is this how you felt? If i recall my ex and our moments of being physical I enjoyed them thoroughly (even if I didn't orgasm) when you say messing with women was natural and felt right, I think I'd just feel so bad like Im hurting myself if I touched a woman(and yet they turn me on when I watch them on the internet.) Do I sound gay/bi? I apologize for my rants but that is what ocd is all about you obsess, check, get reassurance, ask q's, I know I need to stop, but thank you!!
Answer Being uncomfortable with oral can come from many different things. You probably just don't like it. There are someone women that don't like to give or receive oral. It could also be that you are not fully comfortable. You have to see how you are feeling when you are getting or performing to better understand why you don't like it.
Is that how I felt? Hmm, Well, I think I wanted to fit in. I used to always coach myself and say I would make it nice, I would get into it or I would make the first move but I never did. Sure I wanted to enjoy it because it was just easier to be straight. It may have felt good to me but it didn't feel right or it was never enough to get me into it. It just didn't feel right. Even when I would get wet, I thought to my self "ok i must like this because im wet" BUT during the act, I would lay there.
Do you sound gay or bi? No, you do sound confused, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. I do think you are putting too much thought into this. Why dont you think about outside of masturbation? Like without masturbating are you thinking about women? Because this may be an isolated incident. When people masturbate, they do it in private and we know it to be something that we shouldn't be doing or embarrassing. Also when people masturbate they think about foreign things, things that they normally wouldn't do, and make a pleasure out of it.
Honestly, I don't think you are gay...maybe a freak? I mean that in a good way. Not freak as in wierd but freak as in nasty/exploring...definitely the good freak.
We all have our own individuality's and everyone is different. Believe it or not you have people that like to watch humans have sex with animals and get turned on by this but its not something that they would do.
I just don't want you to spend so much time thinking about this.
