AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question Hi, I have been losing sleep over my predicament--I was hoping you could help. I am 38, was married for 18 years and recently divorced. I had been attractd to women for many years but felt there was no way out for me. Thankfully, I found the courage to divorce my husband, who suffers from mental illness and was very difficult to live with. I have five chilren, ages 17, 16, 14, 9, and 10. I have a wonderful girlfriend and we are very much in love. I have come out to my family, but I still need to tell my children. To make matters even more complicated, my children go to ultra orthodox Jewish schools and have been taught that being gay is a terrible sin. I have spoken to them about being gay and have exposed them to some gay friends of mine. I am happy to say that most of them now understand that it is not a sin and that gay people are normal! But I know that finding out that I am gay will be so difficult for them, especially since it is in direct oppostion to what they are taught.I, however, am no longer religious (and I deeply regret raising them in this community now!) How do I tell them? I am so sick of hiding. By the way, I have a very good relationship with all of my children. Thanks so much for your help!
Answer Dear Tell,
The intersection between religion and homosexuality presents a dilemma that is becoming increasingly common. That is something to be thankful for I guess, since it means there are others in your same shoes to go to for support.
Your kids will need support. Remain available for them to ask questions as they arise. Remain open and accepting of their individual reaction. Become as informed as you can. They have been taught that one point of view is correct (their religious view) and now they are being asked to disregard everything they have ever learned. This is bound to be difficult and take some time.
The most important answer for kids will be: What will this mean for me? So be prepared to answer that question, for each individual child. Know that being the child of a gay parent and being part of a religious organization, are not mutually exclusive. You might do some research into gay-inclusive Synagogues or groups which would be an option for them to attend. If you live in a large metropolitan area, you can usually find study groups that reinforce the fact that God loves gays. Otherwise, there are services available on-line.
And last, but not least Joanne Fleisher's site for women who were once married and are in transition, would be a great place for you to go for on-going support for yourself as you travel this road. Many women there, have come out to their children and can offer valuable guidance and validation on the subject: http://members3.boardhost.com/Ask_Joanne/
Children are usually very tuned in to what's going on with their parents at some level, though they may not appear to be. They probably suspect something is going on, already. Telling them, can mean a big sigh of relief, both for them and for you. If they need to withdraw for a while and come back to you with questions later on, that is understandable as their own coming out process will be similar to the one (I'm certain) you have undergone.
There will be grieving phase for the life they previously knew and what that entails. This means anger, denial and other emotions will likely be expressed, as they come to terms with what now is reality. Hope for the best, but expect the worse. Enlisting the help of a therapist for them, would be a very good idea at this point.
