AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
I've read many of the questions and answers about the "am I a lesbian?" theme and I think I fall into the category, but I didn't see anything that was like my question, so I'll go ahead and ask it.
I have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids, but think I am either bisexual or lesbian. For 2 1/2 years in high school, I had a sexually abusive boyfriend. After that, I had a semi-girlfriend at age 18, and had a lesbian sexual experience a year later, but thought I was just confused at the time due to the sexual abuse. (Not only that, but I was raised highly religious, so it was out of the question to be a long-term situation).
Now, after being married all these years, I am still on anti-depressants, and not always happy with my egotistical husband. Whenever I fantasize about anything, it's always women, whenever I think of leaving him, I think of telling him it's because I'm a lesbian; but when it really come's down to it, I could never see myself settling down with a woman because of the shame I feel due to religion.
I try to be happy with who I am and who I am married to (although my husband is often sarcastic and egotistical, he is actually a pretty cool and funny guy and an awesome dad), but I am never truly happy. I often think of what I could be doing if I wasn't with my husband (which often involves a woman).
I am actually currently going to nursing school so that I can support myself if need-be. I'm just wondering if I am leaning on the lesbianism because it is easier since I am unhappy in my current relationship, like I was in high school, or am I unhappy because I am in a relationship with a man and until I deal with this, I will be unhappy with any man?
Answer Dear Confused,
Having read previous responses, you seem to have become aware that no two cases are alike. Also, perhaps you have noticed that for married and divorced lesbians, I consider Joanne Fleisher's website an invaluable resource for support and information. Here is the link again, in case you missed it previously:
Yours, can be an incredibly long and exhausting journey. If there is a bright side, I would say that for you, it is that you are not stuck between two partners simultaneously, which very often happens with married lesbians and bi women.
The fact that you are interested in women though, does not necessarily mean that you are lesbian or bi. Therein lies the dilemma.
The most valuable guidance, I believe I can offer, is: Break each of your questions up into individual categories and deal with each category independently, as though it were the only issue; until you have conquered it. This can make things so much simpler and I have seen a myriad of success stories, in the lives of those using this method.
Example of breaking down categories: for instance -- Ask yourself one question about your marriage, say: 'is being married something I can live with, and why or why not?' This does not have to necessarily be the first question you ask, but it should definitely be one of the first. Commitments you have already made, should be dealt with before you move on to the next layer. Then explore this question thoroughly.
You mentioned you are taking medication, so I hope you are under the care and guidance of a therapist who is monitoring your meds. Good, individual counseling sessions can help to uncover what lies beneath, speed up the process and make it go a lot smoother. It can also help with personal accountability.
There is no way I can respond to the question of whether your experience with abuse is making you turn to women. This has been known to happen, but a lot needs to be taken into consideration which again, would be an undertaking between you and your personal therapist.
As for the matter of religion, I'm extremely encouraged that we, as a society seem to be making great progress lately, in this arena however, there is much work to be done. Recently, I mentioned the research of Reverend Mel White, website (pdf) is:
While you are still married, I consider gay-welcoming religious organizations a great resource to avail yourself of. See if you can find some in your area. The MCC Church is one example of a multi-denominational choice. There are many. Just about every religion has a separate chapter offering services inclusive of the GLBT community.
As I always add, there are on-line alternatives for those who do not live in large metropolitan areas.
Rarely will a person in your position fail, if they embark on this journey using the above guidelines. However, it is essential that you do the work. Nothing can change without your active involvement or if you are only motivated by fear.
Sharing your truth with your husband, may help in overcoming the fear. You need only tell him you are questioning. That you are attending Church services or getting on-line support. Believe me when I say that, coming clean to him can avoid a lot of heartache later, should he discover it on his own.
Start by implementing at least one of the above suggestions today and keep a journal so you can monitor progress. I think in a year you will look back and be very impressed with yourself.
