Expert: Lena Torres - 5/13/2009

Question
Hello there,
I'm 24 years old,I've been straight all my life,up until a year ago,when i met a woman(30 years old)i fell for her without thinking about it, my problem isn't about me labeling myself at all, on the contrary i know I'm a bisexual,and i'm proud that i came out in front of everyone, especially my family.
The problem is that i have a boyfriend,we've been together for 3 years,i told him that i like her,but i started cheating on him with her...she was away so our relationship started online,since she traveled after a month of knowing her...later on my boyfriend knew all about it,he got depressed because i wasn't honest with him,he went through hell because of this relationship, and let me tell you that my relationship with my boyfriend was perfect,so he let me go through with it as long as I'm being honest with him since it's my right to know more about myself,then he traveled and she came back,and my relationship with her started to develop,i made love to her many times,now we're dating and my boyfriend thinks that we're just friends, i'm not a bad person,i just never expected this to happen to me,and the reason behind me not being honest with my boyfriend is because i don't want to hurt him...she knows nothing about him except that we're on a break.
I hate myself for lying to them, i cant chose between them,i have strong feelings for both,i love my boyfriend so much, yet i want to go through with the other relationship,she's always talking about moving in together,and i want that more than anything,but i know that this will make me lose my boyfriend.
Am i a terrible person?
what should i do?
i know that i'm being selfish,but i got myslef in a very bad situation,and i'd rather kill myself than to hurt them both,now he's coming soon...
please help me find a solution,cause this situation is killing me slowly.
regard.

Answer
Dear Desperate,

You tell me the problem is, "not about you labeling yourself." Labeling or not, it most certainly 'is' about "yourself."

Just to be clear, cheating is anything that subtracts dedication, owed to an intimate partner, without their express consent. In other words, flirting on-line, is cheating, if your current partner is either not aware or does not approve. Having feelings for someone else, is cheating, unless different guidelines have been established between you and your primary partner.

Also, I'm afraid I don't believe you when you say your relationship with your boyfriend was "perfect." There is no room in a perfect relationship, for even the slightest interest in an outside romantic adventure. And, in a perfect relationship, there is definitely no room and no reason for lies.

So ask yourself what you define as perfect and what was (is) missing?  

You say that "it's your right to know more about yourself. But it is not your right to willfully deceive another human being in the process. Your boyfriend is not there to play a parental role and 'allow' you to find yourself. He is in a relationship with you and as such, expects and deserves respect.  

Please feel free to go "know yourself" to your heart's content,  just don't drag anyone else through the pain you seemingly feel entitled to putting them through.

The problem here, as I see it, is much deeper than whether you are going to lose your boyfriend, can't let go of the girl or anything related to them really. First, it is about how you are defining bisexuality and secondly, about why you don't realize that exploring sexuality is about you and only you. You do not need two people or even one other person to become more self-aware.

Do yourself a favor and find a coming-out group in your area. Go and listen to how others have gone about their own exploration. Seek out healthy skills. Lots of research has been done on the subject of sexual exploration, bisexuality, etc.

Perhaps consider giving both your boyfriend and girlfriend a break, for a while, for however long it takes you to figure out which one is right for you. Perhaps you will come to realize that no one can be right for you, until you get right.