AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question QUESTION: I have been communicating with this female for about a year. I have bought her gifts and we spend a lot of time together. We went to the movies, out to eat,etc. I really like her and I wanted her so bad, but I did not know if she knew how I felt. She finally told me that she knew that I wanted her, but I did not acknowledged that I did want her. She and I are both known as straight women. I have never had a relationship with a woman. I have thought about it and I really really like this woman. I believe that she might give me some if she thought no one would find out. I gave her gifts because i really like her not to buy her friendship. She never told me to stop and she continue to communicate with me and spend time with me. I do not want to destroy our friendship by trying to take our relationship to another level. I believe that she enjoyed the attention that I gave to her.She blushed when we talked about her thinking that I wanted her. Do you have any suggestions for me? There are other females that I think would take me up on a relationship but I really do not want them in that way.I notice when i try to talk about our situation she gets nervous she began to blush and play with her hair. There have been times when she would sit across from me with her legs spread apart now that made me nervous. I was really tensed before we discussed our situation but know I am relieved. I guess because I was in limbo. Please I need your advise.
ANSWER:
Dear She Knew,
Well, here’s the thing -- Because other people besides you and me read this column. And because some of them are misguided 15 year-olds, attempting to enter their first relationship and they shouldn’t be led to believe that calling women “females” and hiding your true feelings, even when you are confronted about them by someone you are care about, is in any way OK; I have to first take responsibility and dispel those misconceptions. The word “female” is certainly acceptable when referring to cattle. But human beings with brains, whose previous generations have long struggled for equality, may prefer to be called women. Furthermore, the classic definition of ‘games’ is to feel one thing and display another.
I don’t even want to get started on the phrase “give me some” but suffice it to say it is demeaning.
The fact that I have just made the points above is not just an ‘aside’ unrelated to the context of the response. It is inextricably linked to it. If you want to have a life-long line of meaningless flings, without regard for the other person’s humanity or importance and if you want to play games with each person and then move on casually, then feel free to ignore this part of my response.
But if you want to have solid, meaningful, close relationships with women, then mutual respect is essential.
Having said that, you seem to like this person a lot. Since I think it is a good idea to only tackle one piece of the puzzle at once and to start at the beginning, the beginning would be the sexuality issues. You say you have both been assumed straight. This leads me to believe you may not be done with coming out. You do not say where you are in the process and she may still be questioning or even straight.
Depending on what school of thought you subscribe to, there is a lot of talk about “sexual fluidity” out there, which I do not completely discount. You may very well have a chance with her. First ask yourself what it is you truly want? Are you just experimenting? I receive letters occasionally, from people who think it is essential to have sex with someone of the same gender in order to figure out if they are gay. Let me just say, that is a complete myth. I’ve said it before but worth repeating, no other person is necessary in order for you to become clear about your own orientation.
Another type of letter I receive often, speaks of someone’s concept of what a relationship is, based on the relationship their parents had. Sometimes this is OK enough, but since roles tend to need to be assigned, and re-assigned, modeling your relationship after someone else’s, could present a problem. Plus, there may be generational differences. In essence, a relationship is not easy. It requires work, compromise, dedication and yes, love, but love alone is not enough. Things must be worked out and rules must be decided upon.
Yes, I know I’m getting ahead of myself. All you may want right now is to have ice cream in the park with someone cute and maybe a little sex, with or without stings. Sometimes things progress beyond that though. I’ve heard it said that the only purpose for that ice cream in the park date, is to get to know if she is the right person for ‘the next phase.’ It can get so complicated. And when it does, I only hope that you’ll remember this letter and that you’ll do the next right thing which is to look at your own actions first and do your best to correct the wrong ones. If you have not had good examples growing up that may be tough to do.
If it ever becomes difficult to decipher which of your own actions are right and which are unacceptable, given the circumstances and you find that you need help figuring out how to work your way through the complexity of a relationship, I hope you’ll remember to seek the help of a qualified professional.
But to answer your question, let’s start over. Starting over entails, telling the truth this time. She asked you a question, so answer it truthfully. Know for certain what your feelings for her are and then tell her exactly that. Ask for what you want, you may or may not get it, but there is real power in taking responsibility for your own needs. If nothing happens between you, you will at least have learned some valuable lessons from this experience. Have fun and if she does consent and there is a mutual connection, always use protection.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Lena,
Thank you for responding to my question. I did not intentionally disrespect the lady in which I care about. I used the word female just to clarify that I was speaking of the same gender. I never thought the word female was degrading to women. I really care about this women and I respect her. I quess I used some words that were inappropriate for the readers but never intended to come across as being disrespectful. I did have good examples growing up.I have never had a relationship with a woman. But, I have been experiencing some intense feelings for this particular woman. I used the terminology give me some. I Know that sounds bad, but I did not mean to sound like I want casual sex. My situation is difficult. I believe that I love her and I do want to make love to her. I want to love her emotionally and physically. I think about giving her the best that I have.We talked again about our situation. I believe she became afraid or nervous because of all the attention that I was showing her. She said that she still wanted to be friends with me. I told her previously that I wanted to buy her some thing special. When I try to explain what I was feeling towards her and I said to her that I know it was strange for me to buy her gifts, She said so that mean Iam not going to get my special gift. I apolgized to her for showing her so much attention but she kind of shrugged it off by saying oh don't apoligized. I apologized because I thought that I made her uncomfortable. Do you think she is interested but afraid? In the past when I stopped showing her attention she would say that I was acting funny or she would not like if I showed another female similar attention. She told me in the past that I had to choose between her and another lady. She also told me months ago while touching my nose "I GOT YOU" Do you have anymore suggestions? I think that I will just go on with my life. If she want something more than she will have to let me know.
Answer Dear She Knew,
Of course she knows you like her, it is staring her right in the face with every action you take. You don't have to say the words to her, but an outright denial when confronted with the question, would be a game.
I think it is a very good idea, for you to step away, at least in terms of over-doing it. While buying her stuff may be OK, you have to ask yourself the reason you are doing so. Are you trying to buy her affection?
You do seem to be caught in some type of inner conflict with your behavior. At one point you may decide to shower her with attention, gifts, praise. Yet at another, you deny you have any feelings for her at all and you want to step away and "go on with your life."
My advice: Decide what you truly feel (you might use time away from her to process this). Then, don't "apologize" for your feelings, your behavior or anything else you feel. Feelings just 'are' what they are. Accept the ones you have.
As for what 'she' may be feeling. She seems to be enjoying the attention and who wouldn't? The idea of taking the next step though may be utterly horrifying to her. Most people I hear from. who are at her stage of 'questioning' first consider things like labeling themselves, coming out to family, how the homophobic segment of society will view them, how they will fit into their current, daily activities.
These thoughts of course, stem from fear and are sometimes unfounded. No one has to come out to others initially and sometimes, not at all. Nonetheless, even the simple idea of how she views herself may be chaotic for her right now or perhaps she is refusing to acknowledge any feelings she may be having.
If you do continue to be friends, perhaps you can both take part in activities around larger numbers of GLBT folks. This will help with the adjustment, if she does decide to explore that side of herself further.
