AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I'm getting out of a six year relationship including a brief marriage to a man and I am now in my late 20s. I've never made a secret of my interest in women but didn't shout about it either due to my involvement in a hetero relationship and having had few lesbian relationships in the past. Now that I want to come out of the closet my best lesbian friend can't accept it. She has actually said that she thinks it is just a phase. I can remember liking other girls since elementary school and I always thought that men just didn't have attractive bodies and that was a feeling all women dealt with. I finally want to be able to talk about girls with her but I feel like bedding the entire city wouldn't convince her I am not just pretending to like girls. What should I do when the person I most want to accept me doesn't?
Answer Dear Closet Friend,
It sounds like you’ve had a lot going on and all within the recent past. Showing care and respect for yourself, means taking the time to grieve, absorb and process each of these events, separately. As I have written before, for those of us in the GLBT community, friends are often the equivalent of family, since they are sometimes the only source of understanding and support remaining, in the face of rejection by family and society in general.
Perhaps your friend is undergoing a process similar to that of coming out (reverse in some ways), in which case she will need some time to adjust to what she may perceive as ‘change’ in you. This does not mean you have to stick around through her doubts and fears. Ask for some space, if you feel it is necessary, while both of you sort out your own individual issues.
It is no more your responsibility to convince your friend that this is not a phase for you, than it is for you to accept her as a lesbian; it simply is what it is, whether it is welcomed or not.
You might try writing her a letter detailing all of the history that has brought you to conclude what you now know. Ask her to do the same. Ask that she respond saying what it is specifically, that makes her believe this is a phase for you. For instance, a specific incident (incidents). What words or actions? Ask what it would take (short of something crazy like sleeping around) to help her through the difficulty in accepting your truth? Keep in mind that this is more an exercise through which you would be helping yourself, rather than for her sake. Most importantly, you should not expect her to change her mind in any way.
If she feels that she cannot respond at this time, perhaps this is the point when you can stop and ask for some separation and time, to think about the facts for the benefit of both of you.
There could be many reasons why your friend says she doesn't believe you. It could be helpful for you know the truth in order to move forward. But you can also move forward without ever knowing or solving her part of it.
