AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question My girlfriend and I will celebrate our second anniversary together in early July, but since last July, we've had some issues. She is 30, I am 40. She has commitment issues, I have abandonment issues. It would frankly be easier for both of us if we just walked away, but we are drawn to each other for reasons that seem to be beyond our control, and we do really love each other. It's like we can't walk away, but I just know we aren't doing a good job of communicating, negotiating conflict, or growing from our struggles. I am of the mind that we need some outside assistance - coaching or therapy, something. She thinks we've not been together long enough for that to be necessary, and that if we go down that road, we're somehow admitting defeat. She hasn't completely ruled it out, but she's hesitant. Because I love her so much, and we've invested so much in our relationship, I want to exhaust all avenues for help before we declare this thing hopeless - any advice for how to proceed here? Thank you, Susan
Answer Dear C or T,
We can't help who we're drawn to or who we fall in love with, we can however, make a conscious decision on how to proceed, if who we are drawn to is not the healthiest option. Take for instance, the case of a violent or abusive partner. We are drawn to what is familiar, not always to what is most prudent.
Most therapists would say that patients don't show up in their office until it is absolutely the last resort and nothing else has worked. Sometimes when you reach that stage, the damage has been done and at which point the relationship may be beyond repair.
I have known several couples who opt to have counceling 'prior' to moving in together or becoming involved. Of course usually, this is done in the case of the more legally binding commitments, like holy unions or now in states where marriage laws have been passed. Pre-commitment counseling is ideal, but rarely do we think that far ahead, especially while in the throes of intense passion.
In large part, I know that in our community, such guidelines have not been firmly established. The only 'norm' we have to go by, is to follow whatever paths our friends have taken before us. Hence, the large percentage of relationships which, after a period of trial and error, end in separation.
My point is, that it is never too soon to embark on the path of therapy. In fact, I find 'individual' therapy most helpful, for anyone either currently involved in a relationship or single. By this, I speak directly to the statement by your girlfriend: "... we've not been together long enough for that to be necessary."
Therapy is not "admiting defeat" and it is not the last resort. Sometimes it is the first and best avenue to be taken. No two people think exactly alike. Disagreement is inevitable. Going to therapy shows you care enough about the other person to be willing to do all you can to remain in their lives.
My Advice: Don't wait for her to decide to go to therapy. By starting 'individual' therapy (if you are not already going) you can obtain guidance on how to manage 'your half' of things. You can bring home valuable guidelines on how to improve communication and once she sees how well you are doing since starting therapy, she may be more inclined to join you.
