AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question Hi I am 20 yrs old and have previously gone out with guys until i met this girl at my football club. We became friends and on a drunken night out we got together etc and continued from there...we have been going out for nearly a year now and she lives with me. The problem is we are both secret about being together and neither of us are out. We claim to be best friends as we do everything together. I am unsure of what I want because I dnt like being in a secret relationship and not showing how much I love someone however I cannot come out and nether can she but I know I want children in the future and to get married eventually etc but I think I really love this girl and I know she loves me but its not going no where and I dont know what to do...should I end it and be with a boy as it can go onto further levels within the relationship but I dont want to lose this girl as she is my best friend and I can relate and talk about anything to her and love being in her company. I extremly fancy her and am attracted to her but I also fancy guys...what do i do next?
Thanks
Answer Dear Confused,
No need to put undue pressure on yourself. When the time is right, you'll know. You'll also eventually, know if she is the right person for you.
I see you live in the UK, so I imagine the pressure is coming from your family, maybe to have children and lead a conventional life (their version of it). Once you are ready to come out, when that time comes, if it comes, you may have to try and convince your parents that the lifestyle you were born to live, is just as acceptable as the one they are familiar with -- and as a bonus, it is the only life that can make you happy.
For now, it may put you at ease to know you at least have figured out one piece of the puzzle in your own mind. So go ahead and avail yourself of any research which would provide a healthy, new perspective for your parents when the time comes. Doing this, will help you, as well. Even if it never becomes necessary to share this as your truth, with them.
You are 20. That gives you enough time to finish what is before you right now, before proceeding to the next major life decision. In other words, first thing's first. If you are in school, finish that. If you do not feel equipped to be in a long-term, live-in relationship, figure out what 'would' make you feel more at ease, then do whatever that is.
I know one lesbian couple where one partner agreed to wait until the other took time out to decide if that relationship was what she truly wanted. In 'that' particular case, the second partner dated men for a while, then returned to the original relationship, deciding to make future plans for adoption or insemination, with the original partner, instead.
Every couple is different. If you truly love and respect your partner as a person and she feels the same for you, the two of you can compromise in a way that everyone's needs may be met.
You ask what you do next and my best advice is: One thing at a time, put one foot in front of the other. Decide what is important to you. Talk to your partner about it (see if she would agree to remain in your life throughout your various options). Begin your life, as planned. Re-think as you go.
