AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I recently came out(about a year ago). I was totally in love with someone who was my friend and also a lesbian. We never had sex though. I have been in a relationship now for about 8 months or so and my friend keeps hinting that she wants now what I wanted before. She has told me in the past that she loved me but she had unresolved issues, exgirlfriend. She took too long to resolve them so I moved on. My question is do you think I should go to woman that I will always love or stay in the relationship that I'm in. I'm so confused.
Answer Dear Stay or Go,
My question to you is: Do you love the person you are with? If not, why stay?
You have to deal with what is going on now - first. Your current relationship is what is going on now. The other woman is the past. If you find that you cannot give 100% in 'this' relationship or that you do not love her, then perhaps it is time to consider leaving. That does not mean going back to your previous love-interest though.
What you appear to need most is a plan. Write out a list of requirements that are important to you in a partner. Don't settle for less. If either woman meets your criteria, then pick her. If neither does, stay on your own until you find those things that you must have in order for your needs to be met.
I always say, the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. Be certain that the problems that kept you apart from your previous crush, in the past, are not going to re-surface, once you are free to be with her.
Someone who tells you she loves you, but is not willing to work on resolving/ending another relationship for you, may either not be interested enough or may have commitment issues or both. Worth noting, is that some people only want what they can't have. Once you are available, she may lose interest.
This is why the only rational path to take here, is to ask yourself what you want? Make sure it is in your best interest and then proceed with caution and eyes wide open.
You say you have just recently come out, so at this juncture the wisest thing to do may be to surround yourself with others at your same stage in the process to help decipher what is normal and what's not. Involving another person (relationship) as an experiment, is never a good idea.
