AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question My gf is in the Army, she has been deployed to Afghanistan for over 6 months now, we have been together for a year now. Over a month ago, I read some emails and found out that she sent flowers to her ex for valentine's day; My gf told her that she misses her and that she still loves her... I was heartbroken, decided to talk to my gf, (over the phone bc she is still in Aghanistan) and my gf told me that she was sorry and that that was a mistake, that the only woman she loves is me. The problem is that i cant stop thinking abt what i read, and i bring it up every time we talk on the phone. I cant trust her, and everytime she tells me she loves me i dnt believe her... Everytime she tells me nice things, i dnt believe her. Its hard bc she is still in Afghanistan and i have not seen her since all this happened! Please tell me what to do. Im going crazy here =[
Thanks!
Answer Dear GFC,
Recovering from infidelity is painful and it takes time. What you cannot do is allow her off-the-hook, simply because she says nice things. You are behaving exactly as you should be, given the circumstances.
Get some support for yourself, talk to friends, supportive family members or seek out groups for GLBT in similar situations (search online).
Your predicament is further complicated, by the fact that she is not physically present in your life to facilitate the two of you working this out together. The uniqueness of your case may call for a temporary separation, at least, until she returns and together, you can decide on a plan of action (for example, counseling).
Know that the feelings you are having are completely normal. Your girlfriend has committed a serious breech of trust, in sending flowers on a day like Valentines, no less, to someone she was previously involved with. What would she have done, had her ex responded by wanting to get back together?
In any event, lots of questions remain. You have to feel entitled to asking them all. If she wants to remain in your life, she has to endure whatever insecurity you may have until all your doubts have been put to rest. It is, what it is!
Having said that, soldiers (particularly those in Afghanistan) are facing one of the most terrifying trials any human can face. Her behavior cannot be expected to be, business-as-usual for a while. Independently of the issues between you, she will need therapy to help with the possibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which many soldiers face) and other serious war-related, psychological consequences.
Tragic as the devastation of war may be, she is still responsible for keeping to the rules of the commitment she made to you as her primary relationship. So in stating the above, I want to be clear that I am not condoning her behavior. I'm simply giving you an idea of what you're up against. Eyes wide open. Hugs to you.
