Expert: Lena Torres - 5/8/2009

Question
I've been with my girlfriend for two years now and this has been a difficult two years for our relationship. Both of us came right out of straight relationships into our first lesbian one with each other. My last relationship my ex cheated and lied, you know normal guy things but it took a toll on me that I'm just coming to realize from the help of my girlfriend. Taking on so many different roles in my previous relationship and being taking advantage of and taking certain things really made me re-think how I dealt with relationships so I told myself I would never be in a serious relationship again and if I did I would just do whatever I wanted because its been done to me consistently. Then I met my girlfriend and we had instant chemistry and we began to talk as friends and gain a bond that eventually lead us into a serious relationship. As the relationship progressed she began to notice changes and qualities in me that were unfamiliar and not healthy for me or our relationships. Not only did I display mannerism like my ex-boyfriend but I Carlsberg to loose myself and  any common sense that I possessed. I began to allow people to manipulate my mind and totally put her to the back burner. It's just getting worse and worse as time goes by. Now it's to the point where everyday I'm apologizing for little stupid things that I've should of known to do and she's basically fed up. She feels I don't treat her and this relationship like it's real when in fact I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her! She so perfect for me but I didn't always feel this way.
We grew up in the church where we're taught this is wrong and with me being scarred of what my parents family and just random people might think I might have ben caring out that uncertainty in my relationship and it's killing us.
I have a few questions that are urgent in saving my relationship! PLEASE HELP ME!
1. After a bad break up how do you pull yourself back together and move on without bringing the extra baggage into your next relationship.
2. When you start to realize your loosing who you are, how do you get the real you back before its too late?
3. After reading my problem, how can I fix my relationship with my girlfriend or can I.
She really feels like it's nothing left, like she has done all she could to try and save us by saving me but it's only so much a person can take on before they come to the conclusion in their mind that why maybe I'm don, there's nothing left for me to do!
PLEASE HELP ME SAVE MY RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer
Dear MLR,

Few people are capable of achieving relationship bliss by jumping into a new relationship, while still barely out of the previous one, emotionally. Especially, when the previous relationship has been traumatic. You must resolve the issues in yourself that have led you to accept such treatment in the past.  

What's more, you refer to your boyfriend's behavior as "normal guy things." Inexcusable behavior, is inexcusable no matter who it is perpetrated by and women are just as prone to inappropriate or abusive acts as men are. In other words, neither gender is excempt. Without proper guidance, you are doomed to repeat your choices time and again.

It is common to immitate acts that have been perpetrated against you. This is something that a victim must guard against, at all cost.

Your Questions:

1. After a bad breakup or any traumatic experience, it is necessary to have a period of healing, preferably with the assistance of a professional. I would advise that you seek the help of a therapist if you are not already doing so.

2. That feeling of "losing who you are" can be dreadful. It is possible to recover your true self and an even stronger, better you, after great suffering. Get help immediately. Victims of abuse often experience this same feeling. There are resources available on-line specifically for someone in your situation who needs support. You are not alone.

3. The good news for you in repairing your current relationship, is that there is an awareness on your part that something must be done and that there is still love between you. You must start to work on YOU immediately (through therapy, support groups) and share your intentions with your girlfriend. This will show her that there is hope, so that she will be less frightened of giving you another chance.

If you lose your relationship with her, at least you will recover your relationship with self - without which you can never have a healthy relationship with another.

If you do not get help for yourself, it is unlikely that your current relationship will remain intact or much less, improve.

To find Help: PsychologyToday.com has a "find-a-therapist" section or you can go through your insurance company website or local university's behavioral sciences department. Your GLBT community center should offer listings for both therapy and support groups or have publications available, that do.

Best of luck to you.