AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question My wife and I have been married for nearly 25 years, we have 4 wonderful children and I believe that we love each other.
Sexual relationships have always been tense in that she rarely wanted to and latterly never really wanted to have penetrative sex, about five years ago I could say that for this reason and this alone our marriage was on the rocks, I would often sleep on the sofa, and she would accommodate me sexually, but basically lie there and wait until I had finished. I hated myself every time. after a couple of years of this dreadfull tension we somehow agreed that we would never have penetrative sex again, and since then we have had penetrative sex three times which she instigated (I did not want to abuse her by doing anything without her permission)we now sleep in separate rooms most of the time and our relationship with each other has improved greatly which is a relief.
A few months ago she started suggesting that she was probably a lesbian, has been to lesbian events and had become even more distant physically, although I do help her masturbate (this is now something that we do separately these days)
She left for a week last week, and while she was away i thought carefully about our situation, I love her and decided that if she is gay then i could never have sex with her again, i would feel like I was abusing her, which is what i felt after having sex five years ago. I do not want to leave her, and I think I can cope, after all there are so many good things about our long marriage and relationship that (I know this may sound daft) It would be mad to let it fall apart just because of sex.
When she returned today, we were both pleased to see each other but no kissing or hugging happened. i joined her for a walk and I found the chance to tell her that if she was gay then that is fine I will never try to have sex with her and if she manages or wants to have a gay relationship then that is private and nothing to do with me.
What struck me was once she realized what I was saying and why she looked so happy. beautiful even, and strangely I felt happy as well, simply because I was so delighted to see her looking so joyous...
we came home and i got a take away, she seemed so relaxed, and we discussed our earlier conversation, It is difficult to describe what an amazing thing it was after 25 years to have such an open and happy discussion about sex and our relationship, she said that she loves me and thinks that she could be a lesbian, she told me about a woman that she knows well that happened to be at the health spa that she stayed at she mentioned this tentatively, but I didn't press her as I had said any relationship that she has with another woman is private I do not want to intrude, if she chooses to discuss it with me then that is up to her.
I am now probably in shock, I think I have done the right thing, I really believe that our marriage was within an ace of ending, and her relief and obvious joy was fantastic to see.
She squeezed my hand in such an affectionate way before she went up to her bed...
I am now feeling both excited and shocked by her reaction. its worth noting that I have only ever had sex with her in my life, I would do anything to see her happy even leave, which I am quite prepared to do, I think, given the choice, I would rather stay in a sexless relationship after all it has almost been like that for the last three years.
My question is am I completely mad, i don't feel like i am as she looked so beautiful and happy and joyful as she realized what i was saying to her...
Enough rambling this has only just happened thanks for reading this if you do, its just that I needed to get it off my chest, its not the sort of thing I can discuss with my mates, although having said that she is boud to tell her girlfriends, who will eventually tell their husbands.. so I suppose it will come out eventually, the things we put up with for our loved ones.
Answer Dear Straight Spouse,
You sound like a wonderful, loving, caring man. Any woman would be lucky to have you for a partner. Don’t sell yourself short!
What you and your wife have had together, seems like a great friendship and there is no need to discard that. But you deserve a chance at a real relationship with a woman who truly desires you completely, in every way that a spouse should expect to be desired.
I know that they offer at least one fact-to-face meeting held in the UK and many resources including e-mail support, on-line. Unfortunately, many gay women (and men), enter into heterosexual relationships, sometimes out of wanting to fit-in or due to family pressure and for various other reasons.
I doubt that your wife has intentionally deceived you or even that she has known all along whether she was gay. In fact, as I see it, she is likely still in a place in her process where she is uncertain of her own true sexuality. It is awfully generous of you to offer her the chance to explore while still married, but you may not be pleased with the end result.
It should also be noted that straight women also, sometimes have different preferences, which exclude penetration, during intimacy. Not all people enjoy the same things, as I‘m sure you know. What is more important than which specific act she prefers, is whether she truly desires ‘you‘ I can see that she has tried, but apparently to no avail. I’ve seen all too many similar cases where the wife ends up resenting the husband. And I assure you, you don’t want to reach that point.
At this time, it may seem ideal to her to remain in a stable relationship with you, while exploring her sexuality elsewhere. This will provide her something to fall back on should the other thing not work out. It seems comfortable, but it is not in your best interest. Understandably, you are rationalizing every possibility to keep her in your life. But if you take a good, hard look; you will see that this arrangement creates a terrible imbalance of power and it is not in your favor.
Being a lesbian does not ensure finding the ideal partner. It may take her many years to find someone who even comes close to honoring her needs the way you have. And what if she never finds that?
The answer: If she never finds that, it’s OK -- She has a responsibility to herself to live her life as her authentic self. And that, dear sir, is the main deal-breaker when it comes to your marriage. You do not owe her that cushiony place to come back to and it will not help either one of you to have that.
Having said that, there is such a thing as a M.O.M. (Mixed Orientation Marriage) which sometimes can work fairly well. The difference between this category and yours, is that both partners must find sexual fulfillment and that their needs are being met, within the relationship -- not outside.
As for your part in it, take your time to sort out what you ultimately want to do. No matter what your decision, I’m sure you will want to remain friends with her and a loving father to the children. That is entirely possible and a much healthier alternative for them if each parent seeks to be personally fulfilled. In order to grow up well adjusted, kids need to see what it looks like when two adults are genuinely happy and emotionally and physically close.
Neither you nor your wife can become entirely connected the way things now stand, no matter how hard you try. Whether you are working on your marriage or on your way out of it, it is always advisable to seek the help of a qualified counselor at this stage.
Life is a series of new beginnings. The fact that you’ve held on for 25 years says a lot about your ability to commit and remain faithful. You will be capable of accomplishing this again, only with someone who feels just as drawn to you as you are to her. Should you decide to go that route. In order for this to happen though, you must be open to it and allow it into your life.
