AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I'm 34 years old and out. I began working at a new job about 9 months ago. The first moment I laid my eyes on this woman I was hooked. Mind you, the last time I had a crush like this was probably 13 years ago. Anyway, the first day I saw her, our eyes locked and it was this automatic feeling as though we both knew each other. She saw me and just kept staring. I gave her a look like WOW you are sexy!
I’m generally a very outgoing person and talk to everyone. But for some strange reason when I am around her, I clam up. I'm pretty sure she knows I'm a lesbian because I’m friends with her brother and he knows. Anyway, she looks at me a lot. But I can't tell if it’s because she may be intimidated by me or it’s because she may like me. I can't tell but my heart tells me she feels something too. I've heard she has dated women but I can't say I trust my source. When I ask for her assistance she looks at me straight in the eyes and then all of a sudden looks me up and down (head to toe). The other day I was sitting on my desk hunched over and I had a shirt on that revealed a little cleavage and she was looking straight at me as I was talking and then looked right down at my cleavage and back up at my face…. As for me, I have caught myself doing this same exact thing to her as well completely unintentional. She has given me a few friendly winks now and then but I'm not sure if this is what she does with everyone or not. I've got this intense feeling she is curious but scared. We are both the exact same age. She is very femme and so am I. When she is around I always catch her sneaking a peak at me or facing me when she is talking with others. I know for a fact she likes looking at me but I can't tell if it's because she likes my style or she likes me. You know what I mean? I really feel like there is some connection with us but its so hard pursuing this because we are at work. I have this problem when I like someone I get very scared and cannot talk to them. Anyone else I can. I'm sure she has picked up on this. I guess the question is... She looks and smiles at me sometimes and other times doesn't say a word. Funny thing is, I do the same to her. However, when I do initiate conversation she gets VERY happy and excited. When she is around me the same happens as well. I do the same exact thing too. I think there is obvious tension here. What can I do about this because it is about to drive me insane? I want to get to know her but I'm scared to death of her. And in a strange way, I think she is too... And let me remind you once again I am a very confident outgoing person at work and pretty much everything else. Except for this……..What to do?
Answer Dear Woman at Work,
I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the two of you are talking up a storm.
Jokingly, a colleague of mine likes to say: “When it comes to straight women, always let them make the first move.” I don’t think I subscribe to that exact idea, but the one point I do agree with, is that this stage sometimes requires patience.
The only way to get over your fear or shyness, is to (eventually) just leap faithfully. “Courage is not the absence of fear” as Nelson Mandela so eloquently put it. If you want to connect now, you must act, despite your hesitation.
The Associated Content site offers various tips on getting a conversation started:
“Ask her Open-Ended Questions
They recommend the Book of Questions... containing questions such as, if you could acquire any superpower what would it be? If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but not remember any of it afterwards, would you?”
Become Well-Read in a Variety of Subjects
If all else fails, go to the Movies!
and..
Keep a Healthy Perspective.” All good suggestions.
Remember that sometimes shyness, can be a very appealing quality. It may just be your nervousness around her that makes you so alluring.
You should probably consider primarily, talking to her away from work to avoid all the distractions. Make it casual and make it fun, no pressure for anyone. What do you have in common? You say you know her brother, so he would likely be an excellent source for information.
What are her interests? If she likes say, the ocean, plan to get together for a specific event near water. It would be great if you knew of a nice location she likes where you could meet. Each of you can drive separately or meet in the company of other people if that puts you more at-ease.
The idea is, getting to know her gradually. Maybe get her phone number or e-mail address, at some point, that way you can connect more easily in the future. You could send her information on activities you know she’s interested in. Or you could call her to have a friendly chat or tell her about something specific, like, a band she likes which happens to be in town.
I get the feeling you will at least become great friends. Nothing wrong with that right?
If you haven't had a serious crush in 13 years, be gentle with your self. Getting back in the swing of things takes time.
