AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I recently left my husband and so did my lesbian lover. We just don't know how long to keep our love a secret?
We met, were attracted to each other and our initial get-togethers were for new sexual experiences. However we fell in love with each other, it happened almost instantaneously and has grown over a year or so.
We have already left our husbands which was the very hard bit - and have set up home with our children separately although I have had to leave one young child behind which was a terrible dilemma and for a while considered going back because of how much I missed him and just having him at weekends didn't seem enough. Thankfully your web pages with answers to other people really helped me through this period as did some books about separation and divorce.
I know for sure my relationship with my husband was never going to last the distance, and had been wanting to leave for years. My partner has the same background. Finding true love has helped give us both the strength the leave but believe we would have left anyone one day. I know I speak for both of us when I say this love is more than we ever dreamed possible, and fulfils us emotionally and sexually and in many other ways. Now I believe in love whereas before I didn't.
The dilemma is how long do we leave it before telling the world that we are together and come out as lesbians. Could we hide it from our parents, but let friends know? We are of course worried about what our exes might say about the children and what the children will say and how they will handle it. There is a 7 year old, 8 year old and 18 year old involved.
If we move in together in a few months, do we need to be honest with the world/our children/our exes - or would hiding it (apart from very trustworthy friends) be ok and just pretending we are sharing for financial reasons or would cause more problems in the long run because we are continue the lie?
I've tried to be brief and hope it hasn't come across as cold because believe me there's so much emotional and love and togetherness and tenderness and guilt and worry behind the scenes here but together we have found our way through it so far. I hope you can offer us some advice.
Answer Dear Leaving,
The most important thing as you have so wisely gathered, is telling the children. The question of when and how of course is dependent upon the ages of each.
Judging from similar cases I can tell you that, remaining open to whatever questions the children will have, after you have shared your truth with them, will be of even greater value than the actual telling.
The order of things is also important. I've heard about women who have decided to hold family meetings where the husband, children and themselves were present for the coming out process. Some women choose to tell the husband first and later have him present, while telling the kids.
The kids will likely care more about what will happen to their family, where they will live, how they will go about spending time with the other parent. It is of great importance to always assure them of the other parent's love and continued dedication and involvement in their lives. These things will matter most to them, so prepare accordingly to be able to respond to their questions, as they arise.
As for the girlfriend, I would not involve her in their lives too deeply, yet, except as a friend (acquaintance, for now). Incorporating her in their lives may become a slow process. They should never feel pressured to see her as a parent figure. She is not and will never be, their parent. She should however work at earning their trust and respect in the role of a friend.
For you to move-in together, may be O.K. for the two of you. But you may not be able to involve the kids yet. Of course, I would recommend complete honesty throughout the process, but depending upon their initial reaction to your separation, custody arrangement, etc., you may have to take it very slow, avoiding flooding them with too many changes at once. Allow them time to absorb the separation revelation, the living arrangement information and so forth. One thing at a time. Some have found it helpful to keep a separate apartment from the new partner, until the children are prepared to absorb the full picture.
Another great resource for you and your girlfriend is the AskJoanne Board. There you will find lots of support and information to carry you through each phase, from others that are in your same situation - go to: http://members3.boardhost.com/Ask_Joanne/index.html
Ask Joanne will be helpful with the rest of your coming out questions, deciding on timing, legal processes and the like.
Best of everything to you through this difficult journey.
