AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I need advice. I just recently came out of a secret, 6 year sexual relationship with my best friend (of 20 yrs by the way) who is female. It's been about 8 months since we stopped our sexual relationship and tried to go back to being friends but that, of course, did not work out. We were both naive in thinking we could stop this without any repercutions. I was the one who both initiated it and ended it because she was totally smothering and obsessive. And, it remained a secret the whole time. I also thought that these feelings for women were a phase, that it was a one time thing. Of course, I was wrong again.
A few months ago I started having feelings for a co-worker who I know is a lesbian. She was also a friend and I felt like I needed advice on dealing with these new feelings for women. I came out to her. She was very nurturing and supportive. I didn't tell her about my feelings for her though even though I think I wanted to. A few weeks later I told her about how I felt about her and told her I just wanted to tell her. I didn't even expect an answer. She told me that she is against having any type of relationship with co-workers. And I respect that. Things were fine for a while. Then I mentioned it again recently in a joking manner. She took offense to it. I wanted to talk to her at work and apologize but I got the feeling she didn't want to. I wrote an email explaining that i was sorry if I offended her, it was just a joke and I totally thought she would make a joke back and that would be it. Well she told me, in not so many words, that she didn't like it and that she was confused. And since then, a week ago, things have been strained and tense. I respect her and do want to remain friends with her. She's given me the strength to be myself and not live a lie and I trust her. I would love for her to be in my life as a friend. But things are tense and weird and it's killing me. I don't know how to go back to feeling comfortable with her as friends and am hoping that this is even possible. I understand she may be mad at me, we now just say hello to each other and that's it. I feel like I want/need to back off for a while but it hurts to do. I don't know how to break this "silence." Please help.
Answer Dear CWP,
Secret relationships are always problematic in many ways. Some people subscribe to the idea that if you have to keep it a secret, then you shouldn't be in it in the first place. I have heard the pain of many a partner who has waited for their significant other to make up their mind about coning out. Sometimes the reasons for waiting are understandable and sometimes a breakup would be too difficult to even consider.
I say all that, because your previous relationship does seem a tangled web and I wonder how long it's been and if you've taken enough time to grieve the loss of a 20 year friendship and separately, the loss of the more intimate result of it, which took place over the past 6 years.
It sounds as though, you are desperately trying to fill the void. I think it is a good idea to go ahead and grieve. Many behavioral professionals have quoted the phrase: "You have to go through the pain, in order to start the healing." This is a good way to look at it. It's there, don't ignore it.
As for your friend at work, you can't force anyone to be friends with you against their will. I'm certain you are a charming person and many folks would be more than honored to be friends with you. That quick-involvement feeling can be extremely intimidating to some folks. Pay attention to your own needs and how you are trying to fill them. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways.
First acknowledge what your feelings are. Sit with them. Write them down and examine them. Get yourself around a support group or around people who whould understand what you are going through. The follwing website might be very helpful:
I don't know the reason why you were obligated to keep your 6 year relationship a secret, but on the board suggested above, many women are either simultaneously married, previously straight or dating someone who is. You might find empathy and support there.
Also contact the GLBT community center or similar organization in your area. If you are religious, GLBT friendly Churches are a great place to go, at least to get hugs. Be gentle with yourself and allow some time to pass, before getting too wrapped up in any other person.
