AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question QUESTION: My girlfriend and I will celebrate our second anniversary together in early July, but since last July, we've had some issues. She is 30, I am 40. She has commitment issues, I have abandonment issues. It would frankly be easier for both of us if we just walked away, but we are drawn to each other for reasons that seem to be beyond our control, and we do really love each other. It's like we can't walk away, but I just know we aren't doing a good job of communicating, negotiating conflict, or growing from our struggles. I am of the mind that we need some outside assistance - coaching or therapy, something. She thinks we've not been together long enough for that to be necessary, and that if we go down that road, we're somehow admitting defeat. She hasn't completely ruled it out, but she's hesitant. Because I love her so much, and we've invested so much in our relationship, I want to exhaust all avenues for help before we declare this thing hopeless - any advice for how to proceed here? Thank you, Susan
ANSWER: Dear C or T,
We can't help who we're drawn to or who we fall in love with, we can however, make a conscious decision on how to proceed, if who we are drawn to is not the healthiest option. Take for instance, the case of a violent or abusive partner. We are drawn to what is familiar, not always to what is most prudent.
Most therapists would say that patients don't show up in their office until it is absolutely the last resort and nothing else has worked. Sometimes when you reach that stage, the damage has been done and at which point the relationship may be beyond repair.
I have known several couples who opt to have counceling 'prior' to moving in together or becoming involved. Of course usually, this is done in the case of the more legally binding commitments, like holy unions or now in states where marriage laws have been passed. Pre-commitment counseling is ideal, but rarely do we think that far ahead, especially while in the throes of intense passion.
In large part, I know that in our community, such guidelines have not been firmly established. The only 'norm' we have to go by, is to follow whatever paths our friends have taken before us. Hence, the large percentage of relationships which, after a period of trial and error, end in separation.
My point is, that it is never too soon to embark on the path of therapy. In fact, I find 'individual' therapy most helpful, for anyone either currently involved in a relationship or single. By this, I speak directly to the statement by your girlfriend: "... we've not been together long enough for that to be necessary."
Therapy is not "admiting defeat" and it is not the last resort. Sometimes it is the first and best avenue to be taken. No two people think exactly alike. Disagreement is inevitable. Going to therapy shows you care enough about the other person to be willing to do all you can to remain in their lives.
My Advice: Don't wait for her to decide to go to therapy. By starting 'individual' therapy (if you are not already going) you can obtain guidance on how to manage 'your half' of things. You can bring home valuable guidelines on how to improve communication and once she sees how well you are doing since starting therapy, she may be more inclined to join you.
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QUESTION: Thanks for your answer to that question. I have a counseling session scheduled for myself or possibly both of us on June 20 - she is still deciding whether or not to join me. Right now, she's reading a book called "Getting to Commitment," and I'm reading materials for Adult Children of Alcoholics; my father was one, and she's the child of several divorces.
We have lots of issues, but right now, the biggest one seems to be trust; she doesn't trust me with regards to a woman with whom I was in an ill-advised brief relationship during a period of time when we broke up, and I don't really trust that she means what she says, since she's gone so far as to ask me to marry her, but has panicked and backpedaled. Even so, we are both willing to work on repairing the trust. I'm not hiding any communications or correspondence with this other woman (who is a good woman and a good friend), but my girlfriend still misreads things, and sometimes focuses on what's going on there at the expense of what's going on between us. Whenever things feel even slightly distant between us, I start to feel very uneasy and probably press her too hard for answers about things, and sometimes not believing in my heart what she says.
Do you have any suggestions between now and the therapy session for things we might do to begin to restore our trust in each other? I know it's not easy, but since we're willing, I also know it's not impossible.
Thanks so much.
Answer Dear C/T,
It is just the most wonderful news, that you are seeking counseling! You have elected to embark on what will surely be the path of highest possibilities. Congratulations!
Having said that, it also looks like your partner is doing her part. She is reading on the subject of commitment. She can only go at the pace at which she is able. You, being an understanding person, will stand back and allow and share with her all of the progress that I'm sure you'll be making in therapy and from your ACOA materials. You will learn from 'her' process as well and from taking on the role of an observer.
You have already made amazing strides, just by your recent choices. Rest assured, that they are the right choices. It is said regularly, that the most difficult step is the first step and you have now taken it. Give yourself a big hug for all these brave and self-loving decisions.
Secondly, in counseling, you will (at first) be gauging compatibility between you and the counselor. Expect this. There may not be huge progress over-night. It is also important to keep in mind that "fixing" you, is not strictly the therapist's job. In fact, it is primarily, your responsibility. You do sound as though you are taking that responsibility seriously, so I am not one bit worried.
It can be scary to first dig into old wounds and to admit what may seem like one's shortcomings,but if one is willing (and I know that you are), the rewards on the other side can be abundant and nothing short of miraculous.
Coming from an alcoholic home, is traumatic, no doubt. Issues about attachment and learning to love with detachment, are likely going to surface. Continuous support, as in that provided within the 12-step, sponsoring framework, will be invaluable in this area.
Another excellent resource for someone in your situation would be ALANON. Most 12 step programs have on-line support communities where you can obtain information and talk to someone in order to gain better understanding or on an on-going basis, as needed. Often, the greatest lesson one can take from a 12-Step program is learning to live with adversity, thriving despite it.
Best of everything on this life-altering journey. Prepare to be amazed.
