Expert: Lena Torres - 6/15/2009

Question
my ex and i have been broken up for over a year.she has a girlfriend,the same girl she says she didn't leave me for.we talk about once a month.she recently called and wants to meet me for coffee on my birthday.she knows i still love her alot and hope that someday we may try again.she recently said to me that i have to have faith that if we're meant to be together again we will be.what does that mean?what does her saying that mean.i believe she is happy in current relationship and that it is a good relationship for her.i'm glad even though it kills me.her and the girl she is with have had addiction issues and they seem to be helping each other alot.any words of advice or wisdom,anything would be appreciated.by the way i'm 40 and she is 23.does that make a difference?

Answer
Dear Getting Over,

Life is a beautiful thing. Don't miss a single moment of it waiting or wondering if someone loves you or will come back to you. If she truly wanted to be with you, she would be. If she had no doubts, she would tell you plainly and simply.

Perhaps what she enjoys is the attention she gets from you or not just you, specifically, but attention in general.

Perhaps she does not realize that her scrambled words are a 'hook' for you. Or perhaps she does know she is causing you pain, yet she continues on.

You sound like such a kind and caring person. You wouldn't believe how many women pray daily to find somebody like you. They search and search and never find you, cause there you are, home, waiting for someone who will never be completely devoted to you.

Draw yourself a map of goals that doesn't include anything from your past. As often as possible stay in the present and move forward.

Life is too short to spend it pining after somebody who doesn't absolutely worship you in every way.

In every step you take, make sure you think of yourself and what you want, first. Go to your local community center, Church or join an activity group. Meet new people. Learn something that you didn't know before and reinforce a skill that you already have.

Journal about your feelings for your ex, don't ignore them. But instead of wishing she were with you, ask yourself what need she fills, that could be filled in other ways.

Keep track of the amazing growth and independence you are about to experience.