AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question I'm 22 years old and have been heterosexual my whole life. I've dated a lot of guys, but it's been a long, long time since I've been able to find a serious or meaningful relationship of any kind. A couple months ago I started talking to a girl in my class and immediately realized how instantaneously we connected. I started realizing the way she made me feel whenever I was around her, and that
it was because I was becoming very attracted to her. I've never in my life met someone I've had more in common with, or felt this strongly for. We began to spend a lot of time together and we bonded very quickly. I think the fact that I knew she was a lesbian made me want to open up to the possibility of having a relationship with her, although I have NEVER been attracted to a person of the same sex before. I was very hesitant at first, but now we are together and the more time I spend with her, I get more comfortable with the idea of being in a lesbian relationship. However, I am still feeling very confused. Does this mean I am bisexual? Also, whenever I'm with her I'm constantly feeling self-conscious because she knows I've never been in a same sex relationship before, and I feel like an amateur. I'm constantly wondering if i'm doing things right and if she's thinking our relationship is different from her past relationships. Sometimes i feel like i have no idea what i'm doing, especially when it comes to sex! I'm definitely totally lost in that department. I want so badly to reciprocate but I have NO clue how to do it and I'm terrified of doing it all wrong and feeling stupid. My feelings for her could not be any clearer though. I feel very deeply for her and the way our relationship has been blossoming has just been one of the most amazing, wonderful experiences. I am sure that this is the greatest thing that a person could ever experience, and I feel so lucky. I just have SO many questions that need to be answered and I am so confused..PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!
Answer Dear First,
OK, I'll help you, but only on one condition -- that you try and seek on-going guidance from others in the LGBT community and especially, seek support from folks (in your area) who are new to the coming out process.
So, is it a deal?
You really are very lucky to have found someone with whom you have such a deep connection. Even luckier, for being so sure of your feelings for her. It sounds as though those feelings are being unequivocably reciprocated, congratulations! What you have is rare and precious.
It sounds as though, you are undergoing a phase of adjustment. This is a time during which, much like moving to a new location, starting a new career or any other major life change, one must allow time to to explore and become familiar with the new surroundings. The more you involve yourself with others who have been through the same discomfort and have found ways to cope, the more smoothly your process is likely to go.
None of us are anything but amateurs at anything, when we first try. It will feel more normal, once you've had sufficient practice. When it comes to intimate relations, being willing to be taught, can actually be a very good thing. Most people would rather avoid someone who thinks they know it all, yet does all the wrong things. Perhaps you've experienced this yourself with one of your previous partners.
Each person is different, so if you are open to on-going communication and are willing to 'learn her' this will increase the likelyhood of success in your relationship, at least more so, than being a closed, judgemental, person who thinks sex should be the same for everyone and that everyone has the same needs and preferences.
Express to her, just as you have to me (write it down if that makes it easier) what it is that you would like with her. Tell her if you need some time to aclamate to certain acts, for example P.D.A.
