AboutLena Torres Expertise Can Answer Questions about Lesbian Life: Dating, Relationships, Breakups, Cheating and Every day Co-habitation. Prefer not to Respond to: Intricate Psychological Disorder questions (though I can refer to other resources i.e. websites/counceling for information and help)
Experience Worked for 5 years within the domestic violence field, assisting victims to get their lives back on track; through facilitating support-groups, workshops and individual counceling. Continue to be an active member of the lesbian community, providing referals and support to fellow lesbians through church and other groups.
Organizations FVS (domestic violence group in Florida) and various church groups.
Education/Credentials B.A. in Journalism, with heavy research concentration in Social Psychology and Human Relations. Working toward Masters.
Awards and Honors Received commendation award for public relations work and teamwork/unity and team-leadership awards within a corporate setting.
Question This is the 2nd year of our relationship. She is my best friend TRULY, I haven't had a close friend like this since high school. I have trust issues. I do not see us growing old together in the same way she does. I went from 14 yr marriage to lesbian relationship inside of two months. I never took the time to recover from the first. Knowing this, she is convinced I will want to go back to men. I believe that if it came right down to it, i will never be happy with a man. This isn't a new thing for me and I have had a few girlfriends over the years. That said,.. I have been corresponding with someone I met a long time ago and lost touch with. He came for a visit a couple months ago, neither one of us ever expected to feel what we felt at first sight. We talked openly and honestly over the 24 hrs he was in town. I did nothing to disrespect my girlfriend in anyway. I really love my partner. Not necessarily 'in love' though. She is very insecure about me going back to men. I value my best friend over anything but my children. 'He' will be returning to this area in a month. Her and I are still living together, fights have been increasing, I don't know if I'm staying with her out of guilt, she uses guilt trips alot as a tool to get what she wants. I really can see having this man in my life, he says i can take all the time in the world to figure out what i want. She offers ultimatums. I love her and don't EVER want to hurt her. Should I stay or should I go and be on my own and get my head together? How do I live with my decision?
Answer Dear Stay or Go,
Before examining whether you "stay or go" or who you want to be in a relationship with for the rest of your life, I would suggest some time away from 'all' possible relationships.
You really seem to be on the right track when you state that you "did not take enough time to recover from your 14 year marriage." Whatever the condition of a relationship or the reason for leaving, time needs to be made to focus on what 'you' want -- where 'you' went wrong -- what within 'you' is being drawn to the wrong partners and on what you can do to get those needs met, without the need to involve another person.
You say you have "trust issues" and yet go on to tell me about your girlfriend's trouble with trust, instead of yours. You also say that you "did nothing to disrespect your girlfriend." Yet you are considering partnering yourself with this other person, while in a committed relationship with her.
I'll tell you why else, I don't believe that you did "nothing" to disrespect your girlfriend -- you also say he told you: you "can take all the time in the world to figure out what you want." How does he know that you need time to figure out what (or who) you want? Keep in mind, that even if nothing 'physical' happened, the implied willingness to partake, constitutes an emotional transgression, equivalent to infidelity.
Furthermore, I can understand his hesitation at jumping into anything with you. You have shown great lack of self-examination. You seem unwilling to take a hard look at yourself, eventhough you have said you know, that is exactly what needs to take place.
If you choose to stay put for a while (with your current partner), it might be helpful to admit to yourself, your contribution to the failure of the relationship.
Also, what is it that you see in this new person? What need of yours does he fulfill? Why does this need exist in you? How can you have this need met without involving another person? It is imperative that you find the answers to these questions for yourself.
A complete person, will make better choices in potential partners -- man or woman. Many lifelong lesbians, who know themselves well, do not necessarily rule out ever being with a man. A whole person seeks out qualities in a partner, that compliment who they already are, without regard for gender.
I am purposefully not addressing at all, the fact that you might desire to be with someone of the opposite sex. Sexuality is an altogether separate issue from what we are discussing here. Perhaps at a later time, you might benefit from questions regarding orientation. Right now, however, look first at why you chose your current partner and why you now feel the need to stray.
