AboutVicky Expertise Lesbian: sexual problems, coming out, general questions about being gay:-) i came out when i was 17, and ive helped several ppl not just friends, come to terms and understand what its like to be gay, the kind of lifestyle it leads to or rather can lead to, medical issues, and just how to be happy with your choice of lifestyle.
Question I am an ex-pat kiwi living in Australia, and have been in a gay relationship for the past 10 years. I have known about my sexually from a young age but kept in hidden for many years. In fact it wasnt until I came to Sydney that I was comfortable enough to explore this lifestyle. I don't understand why it was and still is so hard for me to be gay back home. I have not come out to my family at all or any of my NZ friends. I feel I can't do this but I don't know why. I believe that NZ is not as tolerant as other countries. Are we just a backward nation when it comes to this type of thing. When back home I hear a lot of queer jokes and malicious innuendo, maybe I just come from the wrong city. When I was at school, ( I'm now 39yrs), this type of behaviour was condemned, quite heartbreaking really. It lead me to a marriage and children I did not want, I thought this was supposed to be normal, well thats what I was taught anyway! If I had grown up in any other country, do you think I would have made that mistake? How do I go home and feel comfortable being who I am?
Answer Hi May, thanks for the question, and apologies for the lateness in reply.
Im not so sure how to answer this to be honest! But I will give it a go!!
Yes there is a lot of gay innuendo here, but for the most part, this country has come a long way in trying to bridge that gap between being gay and being straight:) The Civil Union Act was a huge step and one certainly in the right direction. The introduction of the De Facto partnership before the civil union act was also a positive move. Instead of lumping everyone into one label or another, they just said if you are living with someone for more than 2 years its a de facto relationship..not bad really;) For those that didnt want to come out, that was a comfortable way of living. Granted you a few rights to property etc if things turned sour.
Im in one of the bigger cities and to be perfectly honest, for me, its ok being gay. No one really gives a crap one way or the other now. Its become part of the norm. I dont honestly think that this country is any less tolerant than the Aussies, or any other western country. Both countries have their bigots and nasties, but for the most part, you will find that people are just people and want to get on with living. I do think though, that it is certainly a lot harder to gain acceptance of who you are, if you are in a smaller city like Gore for example..not putting Gore down, but its just that small town mentality that can sometimes get in the way of just being who you are.
You also need to appreciate that Sydney is huge. It has the population of NZ in it!!! Therefore more people will be gay, there will be more things to do if you are gay, and there is a lot of "difference" of cultures i guess. In saying that though, NZ has a huge cultural package. For such a small nation we are trying to be as accepting as we can of anyone different, and welcoming to those coming from all over the world. Im an ex-pat South AFrican living in NZ, so i do have a small appreciation for things different and i do find that NZ is probably one of the more tolerant nations in that regard.
If you are struggling with the idea of coming out to your family, thats also normal. Your folks will be of that age group where the idea of being gay (sorry just an assumption about their age here), was not really something that was brought up a lot due to certain fears and ideals etc. BUT you never know what they will say. It is also something that you shouldnt really worry about. Chances are, some people in your family may already know you are gay as well;) THe thing is you have chosen your lifestyle, and you have lived your choice for 10 years now. Are you happy? ARe you kids happy? if you say yes, then what are you TRULY worried about??? You have happiness and love and that is more than a lot of people have nowadays;) If you portray that to your family, it may take them a while, it may not, but they will hopefully see that that is what is most important.
We always want acceptance from our parents and family. But in the long run, they cannot make us happy or point us in the direction of things that will make us happy. That is up to us as individuals. You can come home and tell them and things may turn pear shaped, but you will then return to your life and just get on with things. OR, you can come home and things will be fine and you will have worried for nothing;) I do appreciate where you are coming from though. Growing up with the "its wrong, its not normal" stance is hard. Especially when you know within yourself that that is how you feel! The trick is to just be true to you. Noone else can do that for you. Focussing on the negative will not make things easier either. FOcus on the fact that you have found someone that makes you happy, makes you feel loved. That is priceless.
Sheesh ive waffled a bit. Look, i dont know that if you had grown up elsewhere you would have made the same choices. thats quite hard to say. But you need to ask yourself if you had, would you have chosen your fate due to happiness or necessity? The choices we make? WE make them. no one else does;) We do it for whatever reason at the time, and either regret it, or move on. I suspect youve moved on. And in that regard, your lucky! There are still loads of people out there that want to be one way or the other, but cannot due to their own feelings and choices.
I cant change your feelings about coming home. Only you can do that;) But coming home to see your family and talk to them etc, do so while remaining true to yourself. Thats the only piece of advice i can offer i think. Be true to who you are. Dont come in expecting a battle because invariably youll get one!! YEs the butterflies in the stomache are good, but dont come home with thoughts of horror and fighting. Easier said than done eh!
I dont know if i have been of any use here. If not, please come back and i will do my best to quicker with a response! Otherwise, you know where to find me. Good luck and take care!
